On a lovely sunny morning…..oops, sorry wrong blog. Miserable, cold and wet, Coach Wixey joined the team for his first tour of the season in low spirits. Feeling he’d signed his soul to the Devil, Wixey was taking the place of new father Butler, who will be missed by some.

The boys arrive and quickly choose their seats. Jones and Colley are the last to arrive, so have to suffer the front two seats by the Coaches. Harris looks all too concerned at what Colley might bring to Jersey seeing as he’s packed for a 2-week holiday.

The Services sees Horsford have a full on BKing meal at 9:30am in the morning and the others are a little more sensible with only one or two bits of fast food. Colley buys a Stress Dog, called Max Jnr, from WH Smith that’s filled with what looks like sugar. This will go well, I’m sure.

The games on the bus see competitiveness fired up from Parker, Horsford and Drew. Hales has to be in the same team as Neanderthal Boyd, who continues to shout made up words at me like a psycho.

Arriving at Bexley after 4 or so hours (5 mins!), the concern was the boys would start the game slowly. However, after some lovely football from the back through midfield to upfront, Boyd finishes cleanly to give the lead. This was quickly followed by a Parker screamer – himself looking in such shock that it found its way past everyone into the far corner from 20 yards. Boyd’s shot was parried to Drew who slotted home the third.

The Second half was a little scrappier with moments of quick-triangles football. Boyd skips around a defender to score his brace before his shot rebounds out to Parker to smash home his second of the match also.

Special mention to Asare, who mopped up nearly everything at the back – assisted brilliantly by Ball. Both looking incredibly resolute and strong.

Bexley decide to do a ‘fun penalty shootout’ at the end of the game. Worryingly, our Striker and two Attacking Midfielders missed, but everyone else (bar one Defender) slot homes nicely – including Howell, who scores one and saves four. Special mention to Drew – whose penalty miss scared the watching Bexley parents stood 40 yards to the right of the goal.

On route back to the Changing Rooms, Hales forgets his gloves on the pitch and has his warning not to lose points. Arrival into the Clubhouse sees four Dominos Pizzas waiting to be devoured by the boys. It’s fair to say, the boys did not disappoint and tucked in well.

Getting back on the bus, Hales forgets his gloves….again putting his points tally at risk and Max Jnr, the sad little dog only lived 3 hours before being cut open and sugar-bleeding to death.

Games on route to the Harvester in St Albans help the fact that our journey time was doubled to nearly 3hrs due to the M25. Row Parker/Jones/Asare win comfortably.

A few questionable comments come from row 2; Boyd, when playing cards and picking which suit to be, picked “Orange”….you know that famously named suit and colour of cards. Colley quickly pipes up, asking for the blue lights to be turned on in the bus, because “according to the ‘Science of Physics’, Blue is calming and should help them sleep!” Coaches Harris & Wixey look at each other to wonder what they’ve signed up for.

The Harvester in St Albans looked in fear as eight reprobates and five persons of decorum (I’ll let you decide who is who) ascended into the restaurant.

No-one drops points eating, but half the group decide against pudding due to full tumtums. Ball nearly dropped points with the peppery-pasta, but he and his constantly squirmed face made it through.

Boyd, Horsford, Jones and Hales devour a baby cow between them, eating and sucking every ounce of meat and fat off the BBQ Ribs.

The mixtures of drinks are more than interesting – Jones, looking like he’s drinking dishwater and others combining Tango Orange and Apple with Strawberry Pepsi.

Another questionable question from Colley asks, “Does Caramel have Cheese in it?” And Durrans says he can’t eat Chocolate Ice Cream as it’s too Chocolatey. Coaches Harris & Wixey look at each other to wonder what they’ve signed up for.

Onto the Hotel, where room mistakes from the staff mean we head into Diaries straight away. Drew and Ball get special mentions for their efforts with their writing, but all the boys made a good start to their London Booklets.

Once taken to their rooms, the boys have half hour to unpack and get ready for bed. Wixey and Harris think this will be a tall order, however, the boys were fantastic. Three of the rooms gaining maximum points and only the occupants of 213, Howell, Parker & Ball dropped a single point due to the toothbrush and toothpaste of one person being chucked on the bathroom side.

Parker tried to lose more points by covering the bathroom sink with blood after losing a tooth – well, not losing it….just placing it safely in his wallet. Durrans gives Harris a first by turning up to tour with a Boots Dryer – where after you wash your boots, you dry them out nicely on the legs of the machine. Now, that’s packing!

Scores are decided for all categories and 4 points separate everyone, with Drew leading the way thus far.

Friday

The lovely morning wake-up call sees three rooms awake and one still fast asleep. Ball, Howell and Parker are awoken and have somehow all swapped beds. Parker looks flummoxed that he’s been woken up.

Colley, Jones & Hales are awake, but still in bed while all others are up, dressed and quietly waiting. Asare, who only speaks when it’s important, moans that he has to wait 20mins before breakfast.

Breakfast sees no Eating Points dropped again and the boys are complimented by a couple on what a lovely bunch they are. We confirmed they were talking about our boys…and they were. Howell, in particular, striking up conversation with the lady.

Hales is good with breakfast, eating fruit. Drew picks the fat off his bacon with his fingers and Boyd claims he’s only left the fat of his bacon, yet there’s still half a pig attached. Ball has 3 Sausages, 3 Hash Browns, Scrambled & Beans, but Durrans gives him a close run for his money.

A quick change of some rooms for Howell, Ball, Parker, Boyd and Horsford, plus the two Coaches means all rooms are now next to each other and Harris is next to them, while Wixey gets to enjoy life a little further away. Harris types in ‘Calming substances that are legal’ into Google.

Boyd, in his fight against common sense, decides to pick everything of his up in one go to move rooms. Luckily, Coach Wixey was like Hansel & Gretel, picking up everything dropped on Boyd’s travels to the alternative room.

Wembley beckoned, but a mix up with the Car Park meant our journey time nearly doubled and we took a tour of every road around Wembley.

However, we made it finally and met up with the Girls’ Squad for our very own tour of the stadium. George, the unlucky guy who had to take us round, had about 11 boys and 4 girls within sniffing distance at all times as the eagerness to burst into each room was palpable.

Speaking of sniffing, the worrying images were when George passed around a boot worn by Rashford – to which a number of the boys had to sniff the inside of the boot. Faces lost to the inside of a football boot, the Coaches worry at what they’re witnessing. Coach Wixey types ‘Legal substances to help strange kids’ into Google.

Walking out from the tunnel was a sight to behold – some of the boys looked in wonder. That was until they sprinted to sit in the manager’s seats without realising they were soaking – ending in a few soggy bottoms.

Calls of “Hello Wembley” and “Gloucester Schools’” were echoed loudly through the stadium when both teams yelled at the top of their lungs. Members of the poor public down at pitchside looked up at the Gloucester Rascals in disgust for scaring them somewhat.

The shop sees water bottles bought by some and footballs bought by others. People are disappointed when they realise they have to hand over the balls until we get back to Gloucester. We don’t trust those boys!

Asare, Ball and Jones look at nothing, so that they could play Table Football instead. I don’t know who won but they all looked happy and sad at multiple points.

A race down Wembley way was won by Parker with Jones and Durrans closely behind, while Ball followed over the finish line 4 minutes later.

The most fun of the day seemed to be the barriers going down the stairs where the boys climbed them and slid down the stairs with such glee. More members of the poor public looked on as they thought they were attending London Zoo.

Back to the bus and back to the hotel to get ready for the game. Hales has managed (so far!) to not lose anything today, but gets a Cookies and Cream Frappe tipped partly on him after friend Boyd thinks it’s a good idea to pass the drink over his head and over a seat without adjusting his wrist position – tipping it upside down. Boyd continues his fight against common sense.

The match against St Albans went very well – even though we probably got to about 70%. Goals from Boyd, Drew and a brace each for Horsford and Colley. Asare makes the Coaches chuckle when he was told that he would be going on at CDM, to which replied, “Noooo, I don’t like it there because I have to play football!” On he went into CDM regardless and football he did play…..well, actually.
Thank you to Durrans and Drew Snrs for making the trip down and giving the boys sweets before the game and a special mention goes to Horsford’s little harem of family members who cheered him on well – especially little Isla with her ‘Go Zaiden’ poster.

Back to the hotel for showers sees Boyd take 27minutes to dawdle and 3 minutes to shower and change. Hales has to wait to have a 4 minute shower after Jones and Colley use up all the time allowance.

Howell thinks he has lost his joggers, but then thinks he has found his and it’s in fact Ball who has lost his. Turns out no-one lost anything, but they still ended up in the opposite’s joggers anyway.

Burger King is the healthy option for tea. On the walk over, Drew quips to Coach Wixey that “he’s been a really big kid over the last couple of days!” – he’s not wrong.

Orders put in and Ball orders the largest burger on the menu. Coach Harris looks on proudly. For some reason, there’s a fascination with Asare’s big muscles. Once one has said how big they are, they all must have a feel. Asare must feel like a waxwork in Madame Tussaud’s – getting touched up by everyone.

Back for a Quiz on Wembley where Horsford, Boyd and Jones narrowly beat Durrans and Colley to the win after a tiebreaker. Drew is not happy that his teammates of Ball & Asare who “didn’t know any of the flippin’ answers!”. Proudly, in last, were Howell, Parker and Hales.

Now….if you have a nervous or sensitive disposition then please move onto the next paragraph.

While marking the Diaries, Coaches Harris and Wixey heard a commotion coming from the room of Howell, Ball & Parker. Upon entry, Harris was hit with a disturbing smell and boys shouting, “Max has had a big poo and the toilet won’t flush!” Holding his breath, Harris goes to check the damage, only to met with a severed baby’s arm hanging there out of the top of the water. Harris embarrassingly has to go down to reception and ask for a toilet brush (whilst uncontrollably giggling). The receptionist disappears and a couple stopped me to talk about how lovely the boys are. During that conversation, the receptionist returns with said toilet brush – much to the funny looks of the couple. A quick dash back to the room, Howell has to dislodge the mammoth slug which takes about 6 flushes and a washing of the brush in the shower. Awful experience, but hilarious.

Now….back to some dacorum.

Scores are totted up and rooms aren’t as brilliant, but still very good. Drew still leads with Colley just behind.

Saturday

The morning wake up call literally echoes the morning before. Parker, Ball & Howell still asleep, Hales, Jones & Colley still in bed, but watching The Chase, Horsford and Boyd nearly ready (or as ready as Boyd can ever be) and Durrans, Drew & Asare dressed and ready for breakfast. Asare, again moans at me for having to wait 20mins longer for breakfast while others get ready.

Breakfast sees Horsford nearly drop the first food points of the Tour after the waitress goes to clear his plate with bits of Scrambled Egg still on the plate. He quickly mops them up with his fingers to save himself. Durrans takes top spot for portion size today – putting even the adults to shame. If there’s one thing I’ve seen from that boy over two tours is that he can eat. Where he puts it all, is beyond me!

Onwards to the final game of the season…or so we thought. Coach Wixey is driving again (he hasn’t the handed the keys back to Harris since he was given them two days ago. Lord knows why?!). However, for the 56th time of tour, he forgets there’s a handbrake that needs to be let off in order for us to move. Finally, a quick lesson again in learning how to drive gets us on our way.

The game against Chiltern would all but put the B Team in a strong position for the league and a place in a final at Oxford should the game go to plan. Boy, didn’t it go to plan. An impressive 8-1 win (although the game could’ve finished 14-5) meant that the boys deservedly finished the London Tour incredibly strong. There was a 20-minute period upto Half Time where we played possibly the best football of the season. ‘Outstanding’ was the word that came to my head.

Horsford, who had a hatful of chances bagged a very good hat-trick. Ball doubled his tally for the season by also getting his own hat-trick – all coming from corners brilliantly (credit goes to Durrans’ deliveries, who was fantastic all game). Drew bags another goal to commemorate the first player to score a 10 out of 10 for Matchscore and lastly, Jones finally gets his first goal of the season with a brilliant strike from outside the box that found its way into the top corner. The joy on his and everyone’s face was fantastic.

The boys were superb and should be massively proud of their footballing achievements this tour.

The final travels home leave the Services left to be taken over by the boys. The Burger King the night before wasn’t enough for Howell who digs into another BK meal. Spring Rolls are tried by Parker and Jones and Colley likes Coach Harris’ smell so much that he buys the same lovely smelling Aftershave he wears.

Back we go home, where the Mank Utd fans are happy with a point at Goodison, singing of those blinkin’ songs from the GPSFA playlist and final scores are read out before getting back to see the parents and family members waiting for the beloved boys and two Coaches happy to hand them over.

Thank you to Durrans & Drew Snr for driving down and staying over (although I’m sure they had a fun night anyway) and Horsford’s family for the brilliantly vocal support for their family boy and the team.

The boys have been brilliant and they should feel very proud of themselves.