Pilgrim Fathers
It’s all aboard the charabanc for our January weekend in the Ocean City, though no-one expects to see the sea. It’s a settlement of some historical significance – Captain Robert Falcon ‘South Pole’ Scott was born here, Vice Admiral Sir Francis Drake played half a game of bowls here and the Pilgrim Fathers descended the Mayflower Steps to set sail for a new life in America from here. A historically motivated Knees arrives early, much to everyone’s surprise, while Adibayor brings up the rear, the need to pack a thousand underlayers of clothing far greater than the desire to receive a synopsis of Britain’s glorious, if rather murky, past.
Nureyev has packed very little on the basis that the less you take, the less you lose, while The Weatherman’s holdall contains a couple of t-shirts, a pair of shades and several tubs of sun cream.
The M5 is relatively quiet, the bus partly so and progress to Devon is swift. The revamped Exeter service station is an interesting place in that the architects have left the old bit just as it was, a throwback to the not-so-swinging 70s when WHS was the nation’s favourite (and only) bookstore and 9-a-side football was what you played when most of your subbuteo players were broken. The team heads en masse for Old Town before the more discerning migrate pretty quickly to Gregg’s, though everyone who remembers little plastic men on conical bases take refuge in Arlo’s, where breakfast comes in a pretty authentic pan and the bacon costs £1.19 per extra rasher.
Team meeting completed, it’s only a short hike to Ashburton and a rollercoaster of a game of the proverbial ‘two halves’. We dominate the first, with Billy, Lisa, Nureyev and Scarface bossing the midfield, the lively Lisa conjouring up an early-doors chance for Adibayor, only for a great last-ditch tackle from Kingdom to save the day for the hosts.
A couple of minutes later however we’re in front, Billy’s excellent corner being diverted in by a combination of Nureyev’s impressive big toe and someone wearing a green shirt, but no-one’s interested in percentage parts.
The remainder of the half sees Gloucester enjoying the majority of possession without adding to their tally, and eight minutes after the jelly baby-less interval, the hosts draw level following a bout of penalty box ping pong.
With Plymouth now on top, Gloucester defend manfully, the PPBS Alliance individually and collectively excellent. Big Sam and The Weatherman, a double act with a great future judging by the name, are later picked out for special mention by the Plymouth manager – praise indeed, while Margaret is at his indomitable best as the hosts’ threat is rebuffed time and again.
With eight minutes remaining the Greens win a penalty, but Kenny pulls off a great save diving to his right and for a few memorable moments, all is well with the world. The clock is ticking down when Knees’ measured pass finds The Colonel, but Layer grabs the ball on the line and the chance is gone.
Tick-tock, tick-tock. With just five ticks and five tocks remaining, the person on the (very impressive) programme cover shifts the ball from right foot to left before driving an excellent winner low into the far corner with the last meaningful kick of the match.
Ifs, buts, this, that, the analysts would have a field day. But as the flawed, yet brilliant WWII Australian surgeon Dorrigo Evans, during his time attempting to survive while in the captivity of the Japanese in 1943 Burma never tired of saying, ‘It is, it just is.’
Ten players are swimming at Plymouth Life Centre - Adibayor is banned after trying to drown himself at The Swindon Oasis back in November and passes the time spending other people’s money in a cafeteria that, like Old Town earlier, has seen better days. The football scores come through – Manchester United have won (who cares?), Plymouth have lost at home (hooray) and Gloucester City have avoided defeat as their game at Havant & Waterlooville has fallen victim to some storm or other. Things are on the up.
Back at the extremely nice Duke of Cornwall, Nureyev struggles to boil a kettle due to being unaware of the need to click the switch and has apparently served his roommate, Scarface, ‘cold chocolate.’ The Colonel is also distinguishing himself with his scientific knowledge of solids, liquids and gases, proclaiming that The Weatherman has ‘ate milk’ when everyone knows that this is just plain wrong and that if the truth be known, he’s ‘eaten it’. Peasant.
Outside in the corridor, Pargeter and Knight (W) are reclining on a sofa, the latter looking very much like a male model from a Lacoste catalogue, with his suave demeanour, designer tracksuit and random fringe. Only the crocodile logo and decimal point in the £185 price tag are missing.
The former doesn’t look quite like a fashion icon, with his shirt hanging out both back and front, the laces on both trainers undone and his right trouser leg tucked loosely into his right sock, as if the hotel’s ferrets enter your clothing on one side only. Coach Wilson immediately googles Steptoe & Son and Margaret Albert Pargeter is born.
On to Ten Pin where The Accountant ensures that Gloucester edge the second leg of the G-P Bowling Challenge (having taken the first leg in Barnwood 86.3 to 83.9 per player) to win the much coveted trophy for the twentieth season running. The silverware is still at Longlevens as it was no point carting it 150 miles down the M5 when the result is a foregone conclusion, as the only person capable of inaccurately yet believably calculating the final outcome is wearing a GPSFA badge and a knowing grin that has accompanied every bowling success since 1998.
Sunday morning and Big Sam has re-entered the world of the living with a look that suggests he’s not quite at his best, though in room 316 Scarface’s reintroduction to semi consciousness makes BS look positively chipper in comparison.
Beneath the huge chandelier in the very well appointed DOC restaurant, Big Sam consumes bacon, egg, sausage, hash brown, beans & toast in three minutes flat, while Scarface cuts his sausage into three before rotating both porker and egg anti clockwise round his plate for a quarter of an hour, in a vain attempt to give the impression that he’s eaten something.
Adibayor lays claim to watching every minute of Match of the Day the previous evening, while Honest Jude admits to falling asleep in the 29th minute of the Everton v WBA encounter. How anyone stays awake that long watching West Brom is anyone’s guess, but everyone believes him as he never, ever lies.
Michael Fish passes a comment that includes the conjunction ‘whether’ and unlike their unconditional belief in Kenny and his Big, Strong Hands, the ten remaining players ignore him completely.
Albert, Lisa and Billy are concentrating too much on the process of eating as much as possible to take too much notice of what the others are saying and doing, while The Colonel is concentrating too much on the process of seeing what everyone else is doing rather than spending much time eating.
The 9.30am game on the 3G against Marjons is just what the good doctor ordered, with the team moving the ball well and racking up a pleasing and well received victory. Scarface is particularly impressive down the right as is Michael on the left, while Adibayor and The Colonel buzz throughout. Billy rifles home a free kick, Lisa drives in a fine finish and Nureyev nets another ‘in-off’, following Billy’s three-inch ‘assist’. Harewood combine for number four midway through the second period, Billy ‘Peter Kay’s’ in a late ‘Ave it’ penalty and Kenny shouts from first minute till last and wears a smile as wide as The Tamar after adding a clean sheet to his Big Save yesterday.
Gordano services, and The Colonel takes his season’s borrowing to £27.85, every penny of which has been studiously logged. At this rate his mum will need to sell off her entire wardrobe of fancy hats in order to clear the bill. Adibayor, having spent everyone else’s money yesterday, announces he’s still got £11.20 left and suddenly acquires ten best friends.
Billy dislocates his jaw attempting to consume a giant ham and something Subway in one, while Lacoste draws admiring glances from a group of giggling schoolgirls who are loitering at the KFC counter awaiting the arrival of their 14-piece Bargain Bucket. Albert adjusts his shirt tail, right lace and left trouser leg all at once, but no-one looks his way.
Nureyev sits solemnly at a table, listing all the goals he’s scored that haven’t gone in off a member of the opposition and next to him Lisa lists all the goals he’s scored that have. Both sheets of paper are completely empty. Big Sam shows, not for the first time, that he’s the nicest person in the team by buying his dad a box of liquorice allsorts, while Scarface, who used to be the nicest, doesn’t.
The Weatherman stands in the foyer, staring out at the monsoon that’s engulfing the car park and slips two sachets of ‘After Sun’ into the waste bin outside. He thinks no-one’s noticed, but once again his reasoning’s somewhat wide of the mark. Kenny takes inspiration from his dad, changes his e-mail address to penaltysaveking@gmail.com and grins knowingly.
Thirty two hours after departing, the charabanc is back at the ranch and a lot’s been packed into those 1,920 minutes. With the nineteenth century winding down, Oscar Wilde, while on vacation in Plymouth once wrote, ‘To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist.’ And as the CCTV cameras in The Barbican will no doubt testify, the four Pilgrim Fathers who made the trip to downtown Devon one January weekend, most certainly did just that. Let’s hope the Mayflower Steps at least, remain intact.
Gloucester: Kenny; Michael Fish, Albert, Big Sam; Scarface, Lisa, Nureyev, Billy, Lacoste; Adibayor, The Colonel.
Nureyev has packed very little on the basis that the less you take, the less you lose, while The Weatherman’s holdall contains a couple of t-shirts, a pair of shades and several tubs of sun cream.
The M5 is relatively quiet, the bus partly so and progress to Devon is swift. The revamped Exeter service station is an interesting place in that the architects have left the old bit just as it was, a throwback to the not-so-swinging 70s when WHS was the nation’s favourite (and only) bookstore and 9-a-side football was what you played when most of your subbuteo players were broken. The team heads en masse for Old Town before the more discerning migrate pretty quickly to Gregg’s, though everyone who remembers little plastic men on conical bases take refuge in Arlo’s, where breakfast comes in a pretty authentic pan and the bacon costs £1.19 per extra rasher.
Team meeting completed, it’s only a short hike to Ashburton and a rollercoaster of a game of the proverbial ‘two halves’. We dominate the first, with Billy, Lisa, Nureyev and Scarface bossing the midfield, the lively Lisa conjouring up an early-doors chance for Adibayor, only for a great last-ditch tackle from Kingdom to save the day for the hosts.
A couple of minutes later however we’re in front, Billy’s excellent corner being diverted in by a combination of Nureyev’s impressive big toe and someone wearing a green shirt, but no-one’s interested in percentage parts.
The remainder of the half sees Gloucester enjoying the majority of possession without adding to their tally, and eight minutes after the jelly baby-less interval, the hosts draw level following a bout of penalty box ping pong.
With Plymouth now on top, Gloucester defend manfully, the PPBS Alliance individually and collectively excellent. Big Sam and The Weatherman, a double act with a great future judging by the name, are later picked out for special mention by the Plymouth manager – praise indeed, while Margaret is at his indomitable best as the hosts’ threat is rebuffed time and again.
With eight minutes remaining the Greens win a penalty, but Kenny pulls off a great save diving to his right and for a few memorable moments, all is well with the world. The clock is ticking down when Knees’ measured pass finds The Colonel, but Layer grabs the ball on the line and the chance is gone.
Tick-tock, tick-tock. With just five ticks and five tocks remaining, the person on the (very impressive) programme cover shifts the ball from right foot to left before driving an excellent winner low into the far corner with the last meaningful kick of the match.
Ifs, buts, this, that, the analysts would have a field day. But as the flawed, yet brilliant WWII Australian surgeon Dorrigo Evans, during his time attempting to survive while in the captivity of the Japanese in 1943 Burma never tired of saying, ‘It is, it just is.’
Ten players are swimming at Plymouth Life Centre - Adibayor is banned after trying to drown himself at The Swindon Oasis back in November and passes the time spending other people’s money in a cafeteria that, like Old Town earlier, has seen better days. The football scores come through – Manchester United have won (who cares?), Plymouth have lost at home (hooray) and Gloucester City have avoided defeat as their game at Havant & Waterlooville has fallen victim to some storm or other. Things are on the up.
Back at the extremely nice Duke of Cornwall, Nureyev struggles to boil a kettle due to being unaware of the need to click the switch and has apparently served his roommate, Scarface, ‘cold chocolate.’ The Colonel is also distinguishing himself with his scientific knowledge of solids, liquids and gases, proclaiming that The Weatherman has ‘ate milk’ when everyone knows that this is just plain wrong and that if the truth be known, he’s ‘eaten it’. Peasant.
Outside in the corridor, Pargeter and Knight (W) are reclining on a sofa, the latter looking very much like a male model from a Lacoste catalogue, with his suave demeanour, designer tracksuit and random fringe. Only the crocodile logo and decimal point in the £185 price tag are missing.
The former doesn’t look quite like a fashion icon, with his shirt hanging out both back and front, the laces on both trainers undone and his right trouser leg tucked loosely into his right sock, as if the hotel’s ferrets enter your clothing on one side only. Coach Wilson immediately googles Steptoe & Son and Margaret Albert Pargeter is born.
On to Ten Pin where The Accountant ensures that Gloucester edge the second leg of the G-P Bowling Challenge (having taken the first leg in Barnwood 86.3 to 83.9 per player) to win the much coveted trophy for the twentieth season running. The silverware is still at Longlevens as it was no point carting it 150 miles down the M5 when the result is a foregone conclusion, as the only person capable of inaccurately yet believably calculating the final outcome is wearing a GPSFA badge and a knowing grin that has accompanied every bowling success since 1998.
Sunday morning and Big Sam has re-entered the world of the living with a look that suggests he’s not quite at his best, though in room 316 Scarface’s reintroduction to semi consciousness makes BS look positively chipper in comparison.
Beneath the huge chandelier in the very well appointed DOC restaurant, Big Sam consumes bacon, egg, sausage, hash brown, beans & toast in three minutes flat, while Scarface cuts his sausage into three before rotating both porker and egg anti clockwise round his plate for a quarter of an hour, in a vain attempt to give the impression that he’s eaten something.
Adibayor lays claim to watching every minute of Match of the Day the previous evening, while Honest Jude admits to falling asleep in the 29th minute of the Everton v WBA encounter. How anyone stays awake that long watching West Brom is anyone’s guess, but everyone believes him as he never, ever lies.
Michael Fish passes a comment that includes the conjunction ‘whether’ and unlike their unconditional belief in Kenny and his Big, Strong Hands, the ten remaining players ignore him completely.
Albert, Lisa and Billy are concentrating too much on the process of eating as much as possible to take too much notice of what the others are saying and doing, while The Colonel is concentrating too much on the process of seeing what everyone else is doing rather than spending much time eating.
The 9.30am game on the 3G against Marjons is just what the good doctor ordered, with the team moving the ball well and racking up a pleasing and well received victory. Scarface is particularly impressive down the right as is Michael on the left, while Adibayor and The Colonel buzz throughout. Billy rifles home a free kick, Lisa drives in a fine finish and Nureyev nets another ‘in-off’, following Billy’s three-inch ‘assist’. Harewood combine for number four midway through the second period, Billy ‘Peter Kay’s’ in a late ‘Ave it’ penalty and Kenny shouts from first minute till last and wears a smile as wide as The Tamar after adding a clean sheet to his Big Save yesterday.
Gordano services, and The Colonel takes his season’s borrowing to £27.85, every penny of which has been studiously logged. At this rate his mum will need to sell off her entire wardrobe of fancy hats in order to clear the bill. Adibayor, having spent everyone else’s money yesterday, announces he’s still got £11.20 left and suddenly acquires ten best friends.
Billy dislocates his jaw attempting to consume a giant ham and something Subway in one, while Lacoste draws admiring glances from a group of giggling schoolgirls who are loitering at the KFC counter awaiting the arrival of their 14-piece Bargain Bucket. Albert adjusts his shirt tail, right lace and left trouser leg all at once, but no-one looks his way.
Nureyev sits solemnly at a table, listing all the goals he’s scored that haven’t gone in off a member of the opposition and next to him Lisa lists all the goals he’s scored that have. Both sheets of paper are completely empty. Big Sam shows, not for the first time, that he’s the nicest person in the team by buying his dad a box of liquorice allsorts, while Scarface, who used to be the nicest, doesn’t.
The Weatherman stands in the foyer, staring out at the monsoon that’s engulfing the car park and slips two sachets of ‘After Sun’ into the waste bin outside. He thinks no-one’s noticed, but once again his reasoning’s somewhat wide of the mark. Kenny takes inspiration from his dad, changes his e-mail address to penaltysaveking@gmail.com and grins knowingly.
Thirty two hours after departing, the charabanc is back at the ranch and a lot’s been packed into those 1,920 minutes. With the nineteenth century winding down, Oscar Wilde, while on vacation in Plymouth once wrote, ‘To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist.’ And as the CCTV cameras in The Barbican will no doubt testify, the four Pilgrim Fathers who made the trip to downtown Devon one January weekend, most certainly did just that. Let’s hope the Mayflower Steps at least, remain intact.
Gloucester: Kenny; Michael Fish, Albert, Big Sam; Scarface, Lisa, Nureyev, Billy, Lacoste; Adibayor, The Colonel.
