Tuesday 19th April 2022

The most rapidly organised tour in GPSFA history is finally underway. The catalogue of obstacles in its path (which I won’t bore you with here) have all been overcome due to a lot of teamwork, phone calls and emails. The coaches breathe a sigh of relief as they pull up at Longlevens in the minibus to a chorus of “WE’VE BEEN HERE SINCE 9 O’CLOCK!” Thankfully we’re spared the blame as it’s actually our secretary who has entered the departure time as 9am on one email and 9.30am on the itinerary.

“Apology’s, Ed. You’re right, there seems to have been some confusion. Better late than never, though!” the secretary emails to apologise to us later on that evening.

The parents have long said their goodbyes at this point and are very relaxed about sending their children off to the other side of the country. Even Father Tomo is holding it together better than usual, at a distance anyway. As you get closer, there’s a trickle of blood running down his chin where he’s been biting his lip. He extends a manly handshake to Tomo to say goodbye, but the game’s up when he refuses to let go and he breaks down in tears at the thought of not seeing Emily for eight whole hours.

We’ve got Coach Jess with us this time; she’s decided to tour with us on the condition that we stop at The Greatest Services In The World, Beaconsfield, on the way there. This is a popular choice for all and the lack of lunchboxes on display must mean the girls are taking a chance on us stopping there, too. Jess restores her Vitamin KFC levels with a Boneless Banquet and is now ready to go.

A four-hour journey culminates with a session at Gravity trampoline park where, because the children of Kent are back at school today, the girls have the place mostly to themselves. The trampolining socks that the girls have packed for the occasion are rendered worthless as the park insist on us purchasing Gravity socks only, since the grip patterns underneath are only of use on their trampolines. Purely for safety purposes, not financial gain, of course. There’s some quick bouncing around the place and showing off of acrobatics before everyone settles down to some Gladiator duels where Maisie is crowned champion by the team.

In another first, we’re able to check into our hotel BEFORE playing for once and due to it being midweek, the Holiday Inn, Maidstone is much like a ghost town. We’re given our own corridor and there’s precious signs of life on our way to it. The girls have been allocated executive rooms complete with double beds, jacuzzis, kitchenettes, writing bureaus and a Dairy Milk Caramel on their pillows. Conversely, the coaches are given the non-executive rooms where they have to sleep on a bale of hay next to a pig. Room 231 has Sassy and Paige. Room 232 has The Cockerel and Aaliyah. Room 233 has the Social Secretary and the Slingers. Room 234 has Ava and Sonic, while Room 235 has Tomo and Maybelline. Ava points out that she has already room-shared with Sonic and Coach Ed has failed in his duties to mix up the rooms. I wonder why Ava doesn’t want to share with Sonic again?

We make our way to Kings Hill Sports Park where we’ll be playing West Kent, who are a traditionally strong district side. Greeting us are the Tomos, where Father Tomo has been out shopping and proves how much he misses Tomo by buying her two pairs of jeans. We’ve also got the season ticket holding Ultras, the Rosenbergs. Nothing stops their attendance at games, not even a birthday getaway for Mother Rosenberg at the end of March. Armed in their yellow and black face paint and accompanying drums, they provide an intimidating away presence. Mother Cockerel makes up the away following for a final attendance of seven (with Buddy not even in the car). Father Slinger has been banned from the county of Kent after some undisclosed fanatical behaviour in the Leeds end at Gillingham ‘back in the day’, so he must stay at home for fear of reprisals.

‘Physical’ is the word that Coach Ed “bangs on about” (thanks, Aaliyah) in the pre-match talk. Something that can go easily missing but can make a world of difference in football matches. The girls make a decent start but they go 1-0 down to a superb, clinical finish in the first quarter. The visitors grow back into the game with the introduction of the Social Secretary as she starts to put some lovely through balls for Sonic and Millie to run onto and terrorise the home backline. The four-woman defence of Sassy Falls-a lot, Tomo, Paige and Maybelline stay strong at the back, though and Aaliyah keeps everything tidy, with no fuss.

Into the third quarter and the girls continue to push on. Sonic smashes a shot straight at the keeper, Ava and the Social Secretary continue to pump passes in behind the West Kent defence and eventually a loose ball falls to Ava who slots calmly into the corner to equalise. The final quarter starts at a quick pace and Ava gives us the lead for the first time by crashing the ball home with purpose but the lead disappears within minutes as West Kent break down the right and their cross isn’t properly cleared for an easy equaliser.

The visitors push and push as they make the most of their slight downhill advantage. Izzy tries five throw-ins in a row which are all cleared far into the surrounding greenery. Purely out of feeling sorry for her excessive running to collect the ball each time, the call is made for Paige to take the next throw in. Hers is only half-cleared to her feet and with great poise she chips the keeper from near the touchline to give us a 60th minute lead. West Kent come back with desire and in the 63rd minute, chase down Paige, who is unable to make a clearance and the tackle squeezes through both players and Aaliyah for a last-gasp equaliser.

West Kent suggest a penalty shoot-out as a way to finish the day which sees some very well taken conversions. At 5-5, Maisie tucks hers into the left corner before the hosts hit the cross bar to give Gloucester some form of consolation. The very nice home parents have provided snack bags for the girls to take back to the hotel. Aaliyah explains that she can’t eat the sausage rolls as she doesn’t eat pork. The Cockerel helpfully tells her not to worry as sausage rolls contain sausage, not pork. Mother Cockerel wheels away in shame.

The buffet is more suited to children than adults and Coach Ed decides that this much beige will have to be evened out by a portion of fruit at breakfast. Coach Jess asks: “What’s a fruit?” Only one eating point is dropped by The Cockerel so it’s up to the corridor of luxury for diary time and room inspection. The room inspections are very successful. Room 234 is the only room to score a 10 however, with crumpled duvets being the dominant crime across the other four abodes.

Wednesday 20th April 2022

A wonderful start to the day as The Cockerel has learned her lesson from the last tour and has paid attention to the instruction of staying in her room until wake-up time. The coaches make the rounds and find Rooms 232 and 233 wide awake and full of beans. However, Room 231 take several minutes to open their door and make no effort at conversation when they finally do. The people in Room 235 look like they’ve had a heavy night and we finally understand why Ava was so reluctant to share with Sonic again; she’s a prolific snorer as well as a prolific scorer.

The return of the Holiday Inn breakfast buffet fills the girls with excitement. The presentation of dishes on Masterchef is clearly not watched by any of the team as they manage to fit baked beans, pain au chocolat and melon on the same plate. The staff at the buffet jab a finger in the direction of the twins and explain that, due to their reputation, all guests are today limited to one sausage each.

Back upstairs and the instruction is to be ready in nineteen minutes to go to the beach, which Tomo finds utterly impossible. Nineteen minutes later, everyone is ready and it’s off on a Jolly Girls’ Outing to Margate. Although it only takes forty-five minutes get there, it feels like we go forty-five years back in time once we arrive. The seaside is like a time warp, with some buildings seemingly still decorated as the day they were built soon after World War 2. We take a stroll down the seafront to see what we can see, but there’s nothing of interest so we set up camp on the desolate, yet golden beach.

The girls split into two activities, beach football and burying Maybelline in a sandy tomb. Tomo seems over-enthusiastic about the latter, since Maybelline woke her up at 5am to ask her what the time was. Once she’s well and truly lost underneath the surface, the beach football adds to its numbers and its clear to see the Slingers must have some Brazilian blood in them considering their level of skill on sand. The Samba Twins feint left and right, string passes together and let off unstoppable shots, leaving the rest of the group quite literally in their dust. The coaches count at least five instances of Sassy Falls-a lot falling over a lot and while questioning her as to why she falls over so much, she describes it as an exaggeration on our part, then promptly trips over a lunch bag.

Before we head off for lunch, there’s another split in the camp as half try a spot of writing in the sand and the other half go to swim in the sea. Ava, Izzy and Maybelline ambitiously bring their goggles with them, but all they can muster is a bit of splashing in the shallows for a few minutes. Coach Ed and the rest find the sand too deep to write in and we’re equally hampered by The Cockerel having to check her badge for the spelling of GPSFA, so we give that up, too. Meanwhile, with the sand-writers distracted, a brave seagull has decided that Maisie’s sausage roll and crisps are too good to leave alone and nicks them out of her lunch bag before flying off and feeding the rest of its species further down the beach.

Next on the list is the amusements, where the team are determined to get rid of what remains of their tour money. Maybelline and Ava team up and spend the majority of their cash in order to win several hundred tickets. The prizes on offer for this amount of paper probably means that the arcade ends £59.26 in profit. The long journey back means we need to spend a few minutes in the Wetherspoons toilets just in case, although Sonic spends a few minutes more after locking herself in her cubicle.

A quick change back at the hotel before a visit to New Horizons Academy, where we’re due to play Medway for the first-ever time. We arrive to the familiar yellow and black painted faces of the Rosenbergs, the beaming smile of Mother Cockerel and the floods of tears and embarrassed looks of the Tomos.

Medway are very strong and can ping the ball around very well on the 3G surface. The visitors give a good account of themselves but allow three very straightforward goals, when a clearance will do just fine. Sonic goes close either side of half time but can’t keep her composure enough to get her shots into the elusive corners. The Samba Twins bring their beach skills to life on the far easier flat surface, and do a good job of combining with each other. Ava, The Cockerel and The Social Secretary are industrious in midfield against tough opposition, but struggle to create the kind of chances they did the night before. Aaliyah is commanding in goal, coming off her line and reminding the team of her expectations. Sassy, Tomo, Paige and Maybelline are solid in defence and make sure they block and clear everything in the second half. Tomo takes a shot on the fleshy part of her ankle which leaves a Nike logo imprinted on her skin as she squeals in pain. Father Tomo squeals in even greater pain on her behalf and tries to rush onto the pitch to stop the match for Tomo to receive treatment. “I felt that one myself,” he whimpers, “but it didn’t hurt my ankle; it hurt my heart instead.” In spite of the heroics, the hosts finish with two more well-taken volleys directly from corners to leave with a well-deserved 5-0 victory.

The evening meal is no longer a buffet and we need to order off of the menu where pizza wins 6-5 to fish fingers. Each plate arrives with a pot of coleslaw and the girls are quick to ask if it means eating points will be taken off should it not be eaten. The coaches sympathise and tell them not worry about it but nine out of the eleven take no such risks and force it down in one go. Room checks are impressive and only a couple of crumpled duvets in Rooms 231 and 235 stop it from being perfect tens all round. Coach Jess has decided that diaries are to be completed in silence due to her KFC withdrawal symptoms. The only points of discussion revolve around how many colours are needed to describe Medway’s kit and how fast Mabel’s shower was, yet how fresh and clean she looked after it. “Maybe she’s born with it?” whispers Paige. “Maybe it’s Maybelline?” answers Sassy.

Thursday 21st April

A shock is in store for the coaches as they make their morning knocks. For the first time ever, Sassy is awake to open the door with Paige hovering close behind. We still get no conversation, though. 233 and 235 bound to their respective doors ready to attack the day. The tables are turned on Room 232 as Coach Ed wakes up The Cockerel for the first time this season. 234 are awoken by the morning call as well. Sonic looks like an angry bear woken two months early from hibernation, while Ava is in a state of disarray, as all questions are answered with a look of “Where am I?” on her face.

Once the team make their way down for breakfast, the final room inspections are completed. 233, 234 and 235 all receive perfect tens. 232 are deducted a point for being the only room-mates to have Margate beach’s sand all over the bathroom floor. 231 clearly didn’t spend their extra time out of bed this morning tidying up and are deducted three easy points. Coach Jess is still suffering from a lack of KFC and has threatened any loudness at the breakfast table with a loss of attitude points. Her Vitamin KFC levels have dropped to 1.4. To put this into perspective, a well-regulated level should fall between 4.3 and 6.5. There’s a worry she may not even make it to the services.

The four-hour journey back is punctuated by a stop at the Guildford Spectrum where the girls have voted to swim instead of ice skate. The coaches sit back in the café upstairs and try to keep themselves busy with a mixture of Wordle, Heardle and Quordle. What was expected to be a near-empty pool is actually filled with a parent and toddler session, but the girls enjoy the healthy mix of slides, waterfalls and wave machines nonetheless.

We start to make our way to Reading services as quickly as we can, as Jess’s levels have now dropped to 0.7. If it reaches 0.1, she’ll forget all about KFC and order a Waitrose Meal Deal instead. Ava takes action and draws the KFC logo and two pieces of chicken on a piece of paper as a morale booster for a near-comatose, Jess. She tries to eat it to no avail. The accelerator on the minibus is pushed to the floor in a desperate attempt to make it go over 62 mph, as Jess’s Colonel-o-meter starts to beep, indicating she’s at 0.3. “I quite fancy dipping some celery in hummus along with a nice piece of focaccia,” she mutters deliriously. Reading services can’t arrive quickly enough and the KFC staff, who are on first name terms with JB after years of custom, clear the rest of their orders and spoon-feed KFC gravy into her mouth as she lies motionless against the electronic ordering system. The Colonel-o-meter starts to beep from 0.2… to 0.3… to 0.4… to 0.5 and finally she arises from her slump like Popeye filled with spinach and demands a Boneless Banquet to ecstatic cheers from the entire venue. SHE LIVES!

On the way back to Gloucester, Jess compiles the DREAM marks for the tour:

Diary – Runner up, The Social Secretary (17/20). Winner, Sassy Falls-a-lot (18/20).

Room – Last place, Room 231 (24/30). First place, Room 234 (30/30).

Eating – Last place, The Cockerel (26/30). First place, everyone else (30/30).

Attitude – Last place, everyone else (29/30). First place, Maybelline, Cockerel, The Social Secretary, Ava, Tomo and Paige (30/30).

Match – Runner up, The Social secretary (16/20). Winner, Tomo (16.5/20).

Overall – Third place, Tomo (118.5/130). Runner up, The Social Secretary (121/130). Winner, Ava (122.5/130).

Thanks everyone for a successful and enjoyable FIRST-EVER tour to Kent. Thanks to the families who could make it there to give us such great support. Thanks to the players for being such good all-round people. Thanks to Bob for working overtime to make sure we had everything. And thanks to Jess for keeping me sane!

Three more match days and one presentation evening….