Friday

I’ve just discovered that Captain Cooper doesn’t like peas or homework, does like The Goonies and Woolacombe Sands and once got extremely embarrassed by falling over his own two feet. And judging by the erudite way in which he explained the nuances of home schooling the other week, a career in journalism seems an appropriate choice for a future career. As long as he writes as well as he talks, that is. Oscar Giddy meanwhile, likes animals but dislikes roast dinner, which, all things considered, seems just about right. So, that’s the player profiles for next week’s programme for the visit of Swansea sorted – just need to update with Saturday’s statistics before sending everything to the printer on Sunday evening.

Weather permitting, we’re going to have a post-match ‘picnic’ at Wootton Bassett tomorrow, so nip up to Tesco for the second time this week to add ten tubes of Smarties to the carrier bag of chocolate-based goodies, only to find there’s still not a Smartie in the place. Jolly bad show and impending disappointment for HC. Twirls all round, then.

Man for All Seasons is missing this evening’s coaching session due to a leg twinge, but the word on the street (or Tewkesbury Road, anyway) is that he’s having his locks sculpted and the operation is likely to take several hours with an equal amount of R & R required to follow. No such issues for The Freemason, who is currently donning enough hair for both he and his walk-in partner, Rhodes, who’s got very little. Apparently, he was sunbathing on one of The Maples’ many sumptuous lawns on Wednesday afternoon and didn’t spot the sit-on mower until it was far too late. We decide not to go there however, as Coach Stalley arrives and all mention of cranial follicles ceases with immediate effect. ‘Nice hair,’ says Coach Stalley to The Freemason. ‘Now I remember when….’

There’s a short warm-up, but the ten-minute run-through of defensive shape begins without Monty Don, who bursts through the gate just as the Hurricane has shuffled inside to cover Coach Stalley, who’s doing his best to fill in at centre back for MfAS. ‘Mi fuchsias are still causing me problems,’ The Gardener calmly explains, ‘but don’t worry, I’ve been down the chemist and got some stuff to treat them with.’ There’s an interesting silence for a few seconds, but normality returns as soon as MD completes his clinical explanation. ‘Horticulture,’ he nods, knowingly, and everyone gets going again, none the wiser for the unexpected intervention.

Saturday

It’s an almost cloudless sky as we arrive at the excellently appointed Gerard Buxton Sports Ground, where the facilities are the envy of many communities far larger than Royal Wootton Bassett, as the town has been mysteriously known since 2011. The site boasts a Hellenic League football ground, several 9-a-side pitches, three all-weather surfaces, a couple of tennis courts and two cricket squares – testimony to the foresight, planning and sheer hard work of a dedicated group of local people and the largesse of the benefactor whose name adorns the ‘Welcome’ sign at the entrance.

The Freemason offers to take the first part of the warm-up after promising not to include any funny handshakes or repeat his notorious party piece, a routine which includes a number of dodgy moves featuring a pair of buffalo horns; instead, his stretch and jog regimen suggests he has a promising future as a high-level FA coach – or a fitness instructor in a backstreet gym, at any rate.

We play up the slope in the first half and in an interesting opening, three different balls are used in the first seven minutes as both the original and the replacement disappear into the undergrowth at the Farm End, never to be seen again. Footballs apart, there is little to choose between the teams until the Freemason wins a corner on the right and Man for All Seasons converts Rhodes’ fine delivery at the back post.

There are a couple of alarms as we concede possession in dangerous areas, but those indiscretions apart, the team defends well, with both Hurricane and Black Boots Dix helping turn defence into attack as well as maintaining their defensive duties. In the centre of the back line, Man for All Seasons is looking more assured with every game and it is he who plays in The Freemason for an excellent finish, lifting the ball neatly over the advancing keeper in a one-on-one situation.

Boris is quickly off his line to deny the hosts a scoring opportunity and the Gloucester custodian looks solid throughout, though he does seem a little hesitant about taking hold of the melting jaffa cakes at half time, limiting himself to just the four on this occasion.

The visitors continue in similar fashion after the break, Captain Cooper, Rhodes and Triple B all working hard in central midfield, with Two-Foot and The Freemason adding impetus down the flanks. Indeed, it’s Rhodes and Two-Foot who combine well to set The Freemason away on the right and the hairy one makes it three midway through the second period.

It’s been warm and sunny all morning here at Wootton Bassett, but two of our number who won’t be named (Triple B & Freemason) are spotted wearing little black gloves, which they must mistakenly think are some sort of fashion accessory. Thankfully, on seeing a combination of both steam and perspiration seeping out of their kit to the point where it might genuinely be dangerous, they remove their thermals and in a matter of seconds see their body temperature return to something close to normal.

On the far touchline however, the ex-Chairman is glimpsed, having dressed for the occasion in fifteen identical layers and a big thick coat, though without the pair of sheepskin mittens I was going to buy him for Christmas, his Celsius reading isn’t too much different to usual.

With eight minutes to go, Monty Don wraps matters up with a boomer from twenty yards that flies straight into the top corner before the keeper (or anyone else) has time to move. ‘Straight lines,’ explains The Gardener. ‘No dip, no swerve, no messing – just a dead straight line from foot to net. Now, who wants to hear about my herbaceous borders?’

And so, to the post-match picnic. Captain Cooper is appalled that Tesco hasn’t restocked its Smarties shelf, but contents himself with half a packet of chocolate digestives instead. The Hillview Hurricane is more of a savoury man, snacking enthusiastically on a variety of crisp flavours, though draws the line at the last packet of prawn cocktail, much to the relief of everyone sitting within a five-yard radius of him. Triple B indulges, though his mind seems to be largely on other things, like finger coverings and hand-warmers. Boris, meanwhile, just eats.

With the refreshment break over, The Lens spies an opportunity to make a bit of additional cash a week or so down the line by arranging the players and parents on a grassy bank and taking as many group photos as he possibly can, followed by a series of family shots that he’ll offer as part of one of his upcoming ‘Two for the price of Three’ scams.

As everyone’s departing, The Freemason waltzes over with a cheeky smile and an extremely plausible summary of today’s events. ‘It was all down to my warm-up,’ he winks, before sweeping back his hair and disappearing into the car park. And even though Coach Stalley will be horrified to hear it, he may very well be right.

‘Awaydays’ Review – Saturday 17th May

Journey There: 10. Forty minutes. Picturesque lanes. Water parks. Second homes. Don’t get lost. Not even once.

Facilities: 10. Quality. Neat. Tidy. Spacious. Lots of parking. Proper coffee.

Programme: 10. Twenty-four pages. Full colour. Interesting articles.

Ground: 10. Good size. Great surface. Warm and sunny.

Journey Back: 10. Quick. Warm. Contented.

Warm-up: Perfect. Pro-active. And utterly priceless.

Gloucester: Boris; Hillview Hurricane, Man for All Seasons, Black Boots Dix; Triple B, Captain Cooper, Rhodes, Two-Foot, The Freemason; Monty Don.