The Not Too Much Good Football Tour
Tour week kicked off with the storms responsible for a venue change for the first leg of a double header against Orpington. The change suited the visitors more as their neat and controlled passing game benefited from the 3G surface. The first half was fairly even with Gloucester having a little more of the territory but the visitors the clearer opportunities. Orpington took the lead following some sloppy play in midfield and defence leaving their striker a free run in on goal. Badham equalised just before half time when he slotted home a penalty having himself been upended in the box.
The second half was a little disappointing from the home-side’s perspective. The expected upturn in tempo of the last few weeks did not materialize and when the away side scored following a corner, they saw out a two-one victory quite comfortably even though Gloucester hit the bar twice through Fogg and Burr.
Good news followed; Heidi has obviously worked her magic and Moroney is now able to begin playing again.
Little Harris, forever the entertainer, entertained everyone with his new hair ‘style’ as most arrived early at Longlevens in readiness for the off. His perm looking very similar to the one Fogg had just lost. He answered all questions like, ‘Are you being punished?’ ‘Did you trip over the barber’s blind dog?’ with his usual smile and sarcastic laugh. For the second tour running he, along with Butcher and Moroney managed to escape the dreaded las minute kiss from mum. All mums looked on gooey eyed though when Burr actually welcomed a kiss from his Dad. The Balkwill clan finally arrived and the explorers could begin their long-awaited trek into the wilds of London.
The songs cam thick and fast and every now and again a note was actually hit. Big Harris’ bumper CD mix went down well and the back-row brigade of Ball, Evans and Balkwills one and two, were in their element, singing and dancing in their seats with arms flailing everywhere. The services were a blessed relief from the noise for the most senior member of the party while Big Harris just pretended he liked the noise. Allied to the Balkwill’s late arrival, Fogg and Ball took too long in choosing their food and were not impressed when they were asked to finish up just as they sat down.
Wembley Stadium looked impressive; well it would do if you could actually see it. It is now buried behind a multitude of high-rise buildings, completely ruining that wow moment as you approach from any direction except Wembley Way. The tour was full of many facts and figures but in all likelihood the only one that will be remembered is that that there are 2618 toilets. The Balkwills were forced into appreciating their Englishness when they were made to stand under a large three lions badge. Strangely, they later bought teddies with England badges on. Burr bought an England football then promptly got his money back. He is getting much closer to actually thinking before he does things. Jersey may yet herald a new era for him. Matt Gore did not take part in the annual race down Wembley Way, falling flat on his face as he passed Big Harris. Wixey showed him every bit of sympathy by laughing his head off. His punishment, a sudden downpour and driving winds.
Two Sentences were uttered that made the drive to Bexley a horrible one. Firstly Big Harris said that ‘We don’t need to leave yet, we will get there too early’ and later Wixey proclaimed ‘Look it has stopped raining’. We arrived late for the kick-off and in torrential rain.
The ref wanted to start the game as soon as we could and then gave 15-minute lecture on what he wanted and did not want to see in the game. Thankfully the storm stopped just as we finally kicked off.
Bexley dominated the play and thoroughly deserved their two-nil win. Gloucester worked hard and put in a battling performance but were not able to put together many passes and gain a decent foothold in the game. ‘Keeper Balkwill made some unorthodox saves to keep the score down while Harris, Young and Fogg never let their heads drop. Moroney made a positive and welcome return to the side for the final 15 minutes. The Evans contingent made their presence felt throughout and pulled off making it seem as if we had a mass following. Much appreciated.
Crook Log leisure centre may not have any slides and floats but all have a good time, usually trying to drown Big Harris. This time however, Harris was able to enjoy a swim for the half of the session. Evans and Moroney win the loudest shorts competition. On the pitch and just about everywhere else, Ball is expert at falling to the floor with style at the slightest touch or ‘diving’ as some would say. In the pool he has absolutely no idea and it anybody’s guess as to which part of his body hits the water first. Burr on the other hand was consistent with his diving, consistent belly flops that is. The Balkwills won the obligatory race easily. The Dylan variety finishing first. Big Harris cheats in the second race and cuts off others before claiming victory. A tired Gore lies out on the edge of the pool like a basking seal very reminiscent of big Harris’ stranded whale of a couple of years ago. Has Harris got himself an apprentice?
The competition to drown big Harris begins and Butcher immediately goes for the neck. Others just go for scratching him to death. He survives and some turn to his apprentice. He also survives but is not happy with the scratching. Big Harris then discovers Young is extremely ticklish and has a special tickle laugh. Harris makes the poor lad laugh his special laugh again and again.
Diary time finally sees the excitement levels begin to fall. The well-behaved group are a big disappointment to big Harris as he is missing not being able to practice his behavioural improvement skills. Blackcurrant juice won over orange juice.
Balkwill, the Gethin variety, in his diary planted the blame for their lateness in the morning firmly at the feet of Simon who had insisted on finishing his cup of tea. The Dylan variety tried to gain extra room points by leaving a lovely note for Wixey and Harris. He failed and was deducted a mark for leaving a piece of paper on the bathroom side. Maybe he should have put effort into he and his roommates, Ball and Butcher, unpacking their swimming things. Another point lost each.
Balkwill, the Dylan variety entertained everyone with his concentrated, focused and unbelievably slow walk carrying a hot chocolate mug at breakfast. The Gethin variety, drank his hot chocolate using a spoon. Everyone else was normal. The well-behaved group are a big disappointment to big Harris.
Mini-golf gets off to a flying start, Burr holes in one at the first. Balkwill, the Dylan variety immediately brought the level back down. He has the touch of a brick. Badham and little Harris also struggle but do not miss from a few inches, well not very often. Young showed he learns things from his coaches, but this time he decided to follow Gore’s lead and fell flat on his face on hole 2. Ball made a good connection on hole 14, unfortunately it was with Badham’s head. Balkwill, the Dylan variety continued to struggle even after some coaching. On the 17th, it got worse for him, after hitting his first shot out of bounds, his second backwards, his third shot looked destined to achieve the goal but somehow it just jumped up at the wrong moment and out of bounds again. Wixey demonstrated great empathy and cried with laughter. Gore repeated his feat of the previous day and fell flat on his face for the second time on the final hole. Fogg won and Evans came second with good consistent scoring.
Just for the record, Wixey won the adults match…as usual.
At the 19th hole the group consumed their food as has come to be expected, impeccably. The group are a big disappointment to big Harris.
The travelling army of Gloucester supporters arrived in St Albans early and took shelter from the rain in a nearby pub as well as to take advantage of the opportunity to sample the local beer. Some seemed to have taken advantage of the opportunity many times by kick-off.
At least the game was able to be played even if it meant it had to be moved onto a very small 3G pitch. With the two previous games between the two sides going the way of Gloucester, expectations were high but the away side were unable to cope with the small dimensions as well as the home-side. The saints raced into a two-goal advantage with their first two meaningful attacks leaving Gloucester with a mountain to climb. Burr seemed to be the player most likely to produce something as he was in the mood to take a strike whenever he neared goal. One of his powerful drives hit the bar. Moments later he deceived everyone by hitting a free-kick low into the bottom corner when everyone was expecting a power drive. With the arrears reduced the visitors upped their game but the half time whistle came before they could make it pay. Gloucester began the second half well and created a few half chances but could not take advantage. A breakaway saw the home side extend their lead through a speculative lob from wide on the right. For a while this rocked the yellows. They upped the pace and determination if not the quality in the last ten minutes to no avail as chances came and went. The last throw of the dice saw Moroney, Gloucester’s best player on the day, moved up front from defence but even he was not able to take advantage of the one chance that fell to him.
After the game it was learned that Saturday’s match against Orpington has had to be cancelled. This was disappointing news for both players and parents but those who had taken the opportunity to sample the local beer a few times seemed less disappointed. Badham senior immediately realised that he had a very important appointment to make that night and raced off just in time to make the start of Love Island.
Badham loses a point for forgetting to pack any clothes and has to go to the arcade in his kit. The vote to not do the bowling and have pizzas instead was won by a landslide. The arcade part would only happen if time allowed. Even though Wixey was driving he still could not delay enough to stop a visit to the horrible place.
Harris won the air hockey challenge against Wixey…as usual. Worsening Wixey’s mood as he wandered around moaning about the noise, flashing lights, the waste of money and anything else he could think of. Ball was oblivious to the fact that everyone was depositing sweet wrappers into his hood.
The Dominoes pizzas went down very well except for the pineapple one that was left virtually intact. Probably because it was highlighted that pineapple may be good for you.
Diaries were completed with good personal expression in most. Rooms were excellent apart from Burr, Moroney and Harris’ room. Not exactly a room from hell but just a little messier than the others, Harris’ influence of just stuffing things under places is evident. They go straight to sleep. The group are a big disappointment to big Harris. Unlike their parents who appear to be making up for their children.
The Balkwill’s of the Sonia and Simon variety unfortunately suffered a burst tyre due to a pothole on the way back to the hotel. They were hoping for a romantic night as they were for once ‘childless’ but now were late for the second time in two days. Bursting rubber things is never good when you are planning a romantic night.
Meanwhile others celebrated their reduced parenting responsibilities by getting together for some practice for the upcoming Jersey tour. Some practice a lot. Tiny Miss Butcher puts the unsteady Kev and Nat through their Ballet paces while following on from working her magic with Josh, Heidi now believes she is a real magician and makes a bottle of gin completely disappear.
Breakfast is shared with another team, Wrexham AFC. Both are well behaved and pose for photos with the lovely breakfast staff. Barbara and Susan (and Anita on Friday) actually take time to speak to the boys as individuals and they responded as if they had known them forever. The group are a big disappointment to big Harris.
For the record, Wrexham beat Bromley 2-0.
It was decided that trampolining would replace the postponed game and by the enthusiastic response was a very popular choice. Some siblings and even some parents joined in. Registration was difficult for Sally as by the time big Harris had filled in the forms for all eleven boys, Sally had remembered all her children’s names, three of the birthdays but was struggling with the other two and who’s dates they were. Any resemblance to the ‘Old lady who lived in a shoe’ rhyme is completely and absolutely untrue. Those not taking part sat in the café for some reason drinking water, for health reasons obviously and definitely not to help with dry mouths. Heidi continued to practice her magic and made many random pictures appear on Big Harris’ phone. True to form the Balkwill’s arrived late. Thankfully the burst tyre had not delayed their romantic night too much. Sonia was good to her husband and said she didn’t mind Simon arriving late for everything during the weekend.
The exertions of the trampolining does nothing to reduce the liveliness of the tour party and immediately their minds turn to the next thing and cries of ‘How long to the services?’ are continuously heard, as are the continuous replies of ‘5 minutes’. Songs are still being made up and notes sung in a variety of keys at the same time. Ball is blamed for every erroneous smell and Burr is asked to close the window every 17 seconds. Young’s tickle laugh is evident throughout as Ball and Badham attempt to cure him of his ticklishness, repeatedly.
News that the Evans car has suffered a puncture to yet another pothole reaches the following minibus. the debate as to which of the occupants should, if any, be given a place on the minibus is interrupted with news that Evans senior has fixed it and they are back on their way.
All arrive home safe and sound, albeit a little late (no blame on Simon this time). All have laughed and sung their hearts out, all seem to have enjoyed themselves, all will have made some great memories, all have behaved impeccably….and there was little football as well.
Two potholes, lots of lateness, two defeats and a cancelled game. A great tour.
Wix.
The second half was a little disappointing from the home-side’s perspective. The expected upturn in tempo of the last few weeks did not materialize and when the away side scored following a corner, they saw out a two-one victory quite comfortably even though Gloucester hit the bar twice through Fogg and Burr.
Good news followed; Heidi has obviously worked her magic and Moroney is now able to begin playing again.
Little Harris, forever the entertainer, entertained everyone with his new hair ‘style’ as most arrived early at Longlevens in readiness for the off. His perm looking very similar to the one Fogg had just lost. He answered all questions like, ‘Are you being punished?’ ‘Did you trip over the barber’s blind dog?’ with his usual smile and sarcastic laugh. For the second tour running he, along with Butcher and Moroney managed to escape the dreaded las minute kiss from mum. All mums looked on gooey eyed though when Burr actually welcomed a kiss from his Dad. The Balkwill clan finally arrived and the explorers could begin their long-awaited trek into the wilds of London.
The songs cam thick and fast and every now and again a note was actually hit. Big Harris’ bumper CD mix went down well and the back-row brigade of Ball, Evans and Balkwills one and two, were in their element, singing and dancing in their seats with arms flailing everywhere. The services were a blessed relief from the noise for the most senior member of the party while Big Harris just pretended he liked the noise. Allied to the Balkwill’s late arrival, Fogg and Ball took too long in choosing their food and were not impressed when they were asked to finish up just as they sat down.
Wembley Stadium looked impressive; well it would do if you could actually see it. It is now buried behind a multitude of high-rise buildings, completely ruining that wow moment as you approach from any direction except Wembley Way. The tour was full of many facts and figures but in all likelihood the only one that will be remembered is that that there are 2618 toilets. The Balkwills were forced into appreciating their Englishness when they were made to stand under a large three lions badge. Strangely, they later bought teddies with England badges on. Burr bought an England football then promptly got his money back. He is getting much closer to actually thinking before he does things. Jersey may yet herald a new era for him. Matt Gore did not take part in the annual race down Wembley Way, falling flat on his face as he passed Big Harris. Wixey showed him every bit of sympathy by laughing his head off. His punishment, a sudden downpour and driving winds.
Two Sentences were uttered that made the drive to Bexley a horrible one. Firstly Big Harris said that ‘We don’t need to leave yet, we will get there too early’ and later Wixey proclaimed ‘Look it has stopped raining’. We arrived late for the kick-off and in torrential rain.
The ref wanted to start the game as soon as we could and then gave 15-minute lecture on what he wanted and did not want to see in the game. Thankfully the storm stopped just as we finally kicked off.
Bexley dominated the play and thoroughly deserved their two-nil win. Gloucester worked hard and put in a battling performance but were not able to put together many passes and gain a decent foothold in the game. ‘Keeper Balkwill made some unorthodox saves to keep the score down while Harris, Young and Fogg never let their heads drop. Moroney made a positive and welcome return to the side for the final 15 minutes. The Evans contingent made their presence felt throughout and pulled off making it seem as if we had a mass following. Much appreciated.
Crook Log leisure centre may not have any slides and floats but all have a good time, usually trying to drown Big Harris. This time however, Harris was able to enjoy a swim for the half of the session. Evans and Moroney win the loudest shorts competition. On the pitch and just about everywhere else, Ball is expert at falling to the floor with style at the slightest touch or ‘diving’ as some would say. In the pool he has absolutely no idea and it anybody’s guess as to which part of his body hits the water first. Burr on the other hand was consistent with his diving, consistent belly flops that is. The Balkwills won the obligatory race easily. The Dylan variety finishing first. Big Harris cheats in the second race and cuts off others before claiming victory. A tired Gore lies out on the edge of the pool like a basking seal very reminiscent of big Harris’ stranded whale of a couple of years ago. Has Harris got himself an apprentice?
The competition to drown big Harris begins and Butcher immediately goes for the neck. Others just go for scratching him to death. He survives and some turn to his apprentice. He also survives but is not happy with the scratching. Big Harris then discovers Young is extremely ticklish and has a special tickle laugh. Harris makes the poor lad laugh his special laugh again and again.
Diary time finally sees the excitement levels begin to fall. The well-behaved group are a big disappointment to big Harris as he is missing not being able to practice his behavioural improvement skills. Blackcurrant juice won over orange juice.
Balkwill, the Gethin variety, in his diary planted the blame for their lateness in the morning firmly at the feet of Simon who had insisted on finishing his cup of tea. The Dylan variety tried to gain extra room points by leaving a lovely note for Wixey and Harris. He failed and was deducted a mark for leaving a piece of paper on the bathroom side. Maybe he should have put effort into he and his roommates, Ball and Butcher, unpacking their swimming things. Another point lost each.
Balkwill, the Dylan variety entertained everyone with his concentrated, focused and unbelievably slow walk carrying a hot chocolate mug at breakfast. The Gethin variety, drank his hot chocolate using a spoon. Everyone else was normal. The well-behaved group are a big disappointment to big Harris.
Mini-golf gets off to a flying start, Burr holes in one at the first. Balkwill, the Dylan variety immediately brought the level back down. He has the touch of a brick. Badham and little Harris also struggle but do not miss from a few inches, well not very often. Young showed he learns things from his coaches, but this time he decided to follow Gore’s lead and fell flat on his face on hole 2. Ball made a good connection on hole 14, unfortunately it was with Badham’s head. Balkwill, the Dylan variety continued to struggle even after some coaching. On the 17th, it got worse for him, after hitting his first shot out of bounds, his second backwards, his third shot looked destined to achieve the goal but somehow it just jumped up at the wrong moment and out of bounds again. Wixey demonstrated great empathy and cried with laughter. Gore repeated his feat of the previous day and fell flat on his face for the second time on the final hole. Fogg won and Evans came second with good consistent scoring.
Just for the record, Wixey won the adults match…as usual.
At the 19th hole the group consumed their food as has come to be expected, impeccably. The group are a big disappointment to big Harris.
The travelling army of Gloucester supporters arrived in St Albans early and took shelter from the rain in a nearby pub as well as to take advantage of the opportunity to sample the local beer. Some seemed to have taken advantage of the opportunity many times by kick-off.
At least the game was able to be played even if it meant it had to be moved onto a very small 3G pitch. With the two previous games between the two sides going the way of Gloucester, expectations were high but the away side were unable to cope with the small dimensions as well as the home-side. The saints raced into a two-goal advantage with their first two meaningful attacks leaving Gloucester with a mountain to climb. Burr seemed to be the player most likely to produce something as he was in the mood to take a strike whenever he neared goal. One of his powerful drives hit the bar. Moments later he deceived everyone by hitting a free-kick low into the bottom corner when everyone was expecting a power drive. With the arrears reduced the visitors upped their game but the half time whistle came before they could make it pay. Gloucester began the second half well and created a few half chances but could not take advantage. A breakaway saw the home side extend their lead through a speculative lob from wide on the right. For a while this rocked the yellows. They upped the pace and determination if not the quality in the last ten minutes to no avail as chances came and went. The last throw of the dice saw Moroney, Gloucester’s best player on the day, moved up front from defence but even he was not able to take advantage of the one chance that fell to him.
After the game it was learned that Saturday’s match against Orpington has had to be cancelled. This was disappointing news for both players and parents but those who had taken the opportunity to sample the local beer a few times seemed less disappointed. Badham senior immediately realised that he had a very important appointment to make that night and raced off just in time to make the start of Love Island.
Badham loses a point for forgetting to pack any clothes and has to go to the arcade in his kit. The vote to not do the bowling and have pizzas instead was won by a landslide. The arcade part would only happen if time allowed. Even though Wixey was driving he still could not delay enough to stop a visit to the horrible place.
Harris won the air hockey challenge against Wixey…as usual. Worsening Wixey’s mood as he wandered around moaning about the noise, flashing lights, the waste of money and anything else he could think of. Ball was oblivious to the fact that everyone was depositing sweet wrappers into his hood.
The Dominoes pizzas went down very well except for the pineapple one that was left virtually intact. Probably because it was highlighted that pineapple may be good for you.
Diaries were completed with good personal expression in most. Rooms were excellent apart from Burr, Moroney and Harris’ room. Not exactly a room from hell but just a little messier than the others, Harris’ influence of just stuffing things under places is evident. They go straight to sleep. The group are a big disappointment to big Harris. Unlike their parents who appear to be making up for their children.
The Balkwill’s of the Sonia and Simon variety unfortunately suffered a burst tyre due to a pothole on the way back to the hotel. They were hoping for a romantic night as they were for once ‘childless’ but now were late for the second time in two days. Bursting rubber things is never good when you are planning a romantic night.
Meanwhile others celebrated their reduced parenting responsibilities by getting together for some practice for the upcoming Jersey tour. Some practice a lot. Tiny Miss Butcher puts the unsteady Kev and Nat through their Ballet paces while following on from working her magic with Josh, Heidi now believes she is a real magician and makes a bottle of gin completely disappear.
Breakfast is shared with another team, Wrexham AFC. Both are well behaved and pose for photos with the lovely breakfast staff. Barbara and Susan (and Anita on Friday) actually take time to speak to the boys as individuals and they responded as if they had known them forever. The group are a big disappointment to big Harris.
For the record, Wrexham beat Bromley 2-0.
It was decided that trampolining would replace the postponed game and by the enthusiastic response was a very popular choice. Some siblings and even some parents joined in. Registration was difficult for Sally as by the time big Harris had filled in the forms for all eleven boys, Sally had remembered all her children’s names, three of the birthdays but was struggling with the other two and who’s dates they were. Any resemblance to the ‘Old lady who lived in a shoe’ rhyme is completely and absolutely untrue. Those not taking part sat in the café for some reason drinking water, for health reasons obviously and definitely not to help with dry mouths. Heidi continued to practice her magic and made many random pictures appear on Big Harris’ phone. True to form the Balkwill’s arrived late. Thankfully the burst tyre had not delayed their romantic night too much. Sonia was good to her husband and said she didn’t mind Simon arriving late for everything during the weekend.
The exertions of the trampolining does nothing to reduce the liveliness of the tour party and immediately their minds turn to the next thing and cries of ‘How long to the services?’ are continuously heard, as are the continuous replies of ‘5 minutes’. Songs are still being made up and notes sung in a variety of keys at the same time. Ball is blamed for every erroneous smell and Burr is asked to close the window every 17 seconds. Young’s tickle laugh is evident throughout as Ball and Badham attempt to cure him of his ticklishness, repeatedly.
News that the Evans car has suffered a puncture to yet another pothole reaches the following minibus. the debate as to which of the occupants should, if any, be given a place on the minibus is interrupted with news that Evans senior has fixed it and they are back on their way.
All arrive home safe and sound, albeit a little late (no blame on Simon this time). All have laughed and sung their hearts out, all seem to have enjoyed themselves, all will have made some great memories, all have behaved impeccably….and there was little football as well.
Two potholes, lots of lateness, two defeats and a cancelled game. A great tour.
Wix.
