Tales from South Wales
Wixey awoke in a cold sweat. Yes, the day of the first tour of the 18-19 season was here. The questions that had been keeping him awake all night were still swirling around his head. Would the boys enjoy it? Would they behave? Would their parents behave, unlike last year’s rabble? Will there be a male voice choir on every street corner? Would Jones feel so at home he would not want to return to Blighty? Would he get a nickname that does not relate to farting? Would Harris survive yet another drowning? Would he once again become depressed about being another year older? Would Taylor be able to sit still for more than five minutes. Would his mum bring the rain with her? Would Nicola Bee get a phone that has WhatsApp and melt everyone else’s down with a million posts a day? Would Taylor and Fisher actually listen to anything? And who would be the lucky person to have to share a room with them? Only time would tell.
The day’s Whats App discussion revolved around bag packing and how to cram a month’s worth of supplies into a single kit bag, Kennedy put on great show of packing his own bag but on inspection of said bag, a little parental help was evident, like all of it. Fortunately, Fisher’s three bags did not materialize and like all others managed the impossible.
Harris and Wixey are joined on the tour by old boy Ashton Holder from the 13-14 season. While his attitude could not be questioned, his intelligence is in serious doubt having been on three tours with the duo back in the day.
With the impossible bags packed on the minibus, last kisses planted and hugs hugged, the group set off on their adventure to deepest dark Wales.
Villiers is first to leave his wallet unattended at the services, it is safely rescued by the devious coaches who send him off to ask the staff at the last shop he went in if they have it. When that fails to produce the lost wallet, ever helpful Harris dispatches him to check the bin where he dispensed his rubbish. Bambi ( Mason), Fisher, Taylor and Dory (Boakes) are seen helping their teammate search the bin. Taylor and Dory ironically leave their own wallets unattended while they help search. They are also swept up by the now rich coaches. Once the lecture is given the wallets are returned by the poor again coaches.
The group are told of the DREAM marking system that will be in operation for the duration of the tour except for the D for Diary element. Room, Eating, Attitude and Match scores will be given as normal. As usual most say they are not bothered but then their competitive spirit takes over and everyone joins in. Prizes are at stake.
Caerphilly is reached without a Welsh male voice choir being spotted and the game under floodlights gets underway. The tourists treat the first half as they normally do… as a warm up and it is no surprise that the homeside take the lead. The visitors equalise just before halftime, Mulraney heading home from all of a metre out following a corner. Gloucester start the second half in a much more determined fashion and gain an instant reward, Kennedy slotting home after good work from Villiers, Fisher and Mulraney. A Caerphilly equaliser is followed by Bee’s first goal of the season and a low drive into the bottom corner of the net from the impressive Villiers. The homeside pull a goal back in what has now become a very open game before Bee’s delightful cross causes havoc and allows Fisher to head home. Villiers completes the scoring to give the tourists a 3-6 victory. Werner yet again complains about being in defence despite having played so well there.
While Wixey drives, Harris selects the room combinations using the boys’ requests as a basis. Mullers and Taylor are in direct competition with Fisher and Villiers for the room from hell title while Balala (Bee) and Dory will compete with Bambi and Jones for the nicest room. The others, Ball, Werner and Rowling (Kennedy) are packed into the room the coaches have ‘no worries’ over.
Harris cannot find Fisher and a search party is put together. A person inhabiting Fisher’s body is found but this person is nice and is following all asks and is even asleep before the requested time. The search continues. Mullers and Taylor age 40 years as cups of tea are drunk in bed before going straight to sleep. The room from hell competition is falling very flat. Balala and Dory demonstrate that they really need to travel more as they complain to Wixey that they cannot use their wardrobe as it is blocked by a piece of wood. The concept of adjoining rooms is explained to the Longlevens pair. Lewis Cook of Longlevens School is dismayed and denies even knowing either of them. Jones’ unpacks a sloth of bears but reveals his cruel side by leaving one lonesome teddy at home while he cuddles Nilly, Wilbur and Fluffy Sunday without a single thought for the poor unfortunate bear. The nice room prize looks a long way off for Jones & Bambi. They fall behind in the tidiest room stakes as well as they have left the toilet in a less than satisfactory condition. Remarkably the two ‘room from hell’ contenders lead the way and the ‘no worries’ do not.
Jones and Bambi are up five in the morning. Jones had set his alarm clock for 7:30 but forgot to actually set the time on the clock first. They have tried using the time to tidy their room though and somehow cleaned the toilet even though there was no toilet brush. It is amazing how useful tissues can be!
The boys represent their city well at breakfast. Balala asks ‘What kind of mash potato is that?’ Wixey tells him it is scrambled egg and wonders what planet he will be on today. Harris again asks Where’s Fisher?, the imposter is not doing a good impression of him and is courteous and quite pleasant to be with. The search continues. Dory lives up to his nickname and forgets his room number, Balala is no help as he is enjoying life on his own planet.
Rain puts paid to the planned trip to the Mumbles beach in favour of an amusement arcade. Harris has a turn at driving and the boys enjoy counting the beeps he receives as the drivers of Swansea try to educate him. Wixey and Holder hold on as tightly as they can. Jones is blamed for the erroneous smells that have inhabited the bus despite his protestations to the contrary. After arriving safely…ish, Taylor, Villiers and Jones find a Clown Shy game that is stuck open and continually throw the balls for a good twenty minutes before two of them give up. Taylor carries on regardless. Werner celebrates winning two tickets while seasoned gambler Mullers gives a shrug when he hits the jackpot of 500 tickets. Then does it again and marks it with another shrug. Taylor finally gives up throwing the balls at the shy after mammoth 42 minutes, the longest he has held a position since gaining his place in the GPSFA.
The café next door has a self playing piano and over lunch Harris answers the inevitable questions as to how it works by saying it just a ghost. The unbelievers are referred to the young girl on the counter where Harris expects his lie to be exposed but to his delight she says that it is true and then goes even further by telling them that the ghost pianist was murdered right there and now haunts the place. The questions stop immediately. Evil Harris is happy and wants another go at driving. A steep hill becomes his Everest. His first attempt sees the minibus stall and slowly go backward. For the second attempt he reverses as far back as he can, drives as fast as he can in first gear and just as he nears the brow he smugly tells everyone he has made it, the minibus immediately falters and judders to Harris’ horror but he just about manages to keep the wheels turning and reaches the top to cheers from the boys and sighs of relief from Wixey and Holder. Wixey eventually peels his fingers away from the grab bar. No Welsh male voice choirs are spotted all morning but the old Fisher begins to re-emerge.
Swimming at the LC2 in Swansea sees Harris deducted a point for not having packed his swim shorts and another for revealing his body once another pair are purchased. In between the many slide rides, Harris is drowned four times, beaten up three times and visibly aged by ten years in the two hours. Wixey melts and nods off in the spectator gallery as he enjoys the only moment of peace of the tour. Villiers wins the loudest shorts competition by a single decibel from Jones.
After a quick turnaround including an energy food party, the tourists make the short trip to the floodlit pitch. It is raining and the coaches look to see if Cass Bulley has arrived, she has and the rain starts to come down heavier. The native American people of the Zuni are rumoured to be on their way over to UK to visit Cass as they need a new rain dance to increase their rainfall.
Despite the rain and the cold, there is a large following to greet the tourists as they take to the pitch. Three fifteen minute games follow with Swansea fielding three completely different sides. As usual Gloucester give the home side a two goal advantage before beginning to play. The second game is much closer with Villiers gaining the only goal. The third period saw the visitors play their best football, winning it by 2 goals to one, Taylor scoring an absolute cracker, a half volley from 25 metres that stayed about a foot off the ground until it hit the back of the net. Jones headed in the final goal to bring the overall scoreline to a creditable 3 all draw. The old Fisher is most definitely with us again and Harris ages another two years and re-assembles the search party, this time for the new Fisher. Werner again says he is not a defender. If only this team could start as they finish games…..
A quick trip to McDonalds goes down very well. Jones’ horizons are expanded as he tucks into his first Big Mac not realizing it is a slippery slope he has embarked upon. Werner finally says he is a defender as Big Mac’s are offered to defenders only.
Back at the hotel, Mullers and Taylor spend as much time as they can tidying their rooms as do Villiers and Fisher making Harris and Wixey’s prediction of them competing for ‘the room from hell ‘ tile looking very wide of the mark. That title is most definitely won by the group the coaches thought would give them no worries whatsoever. Werner ( threatened with being docked points for his Chelsea pyjamas), Rowling and Ball, especially Ball who has the attention span of a goldfish , proves to be Harris’ worst decision since deciding to follow the Dawn French diet. Dory, Balala, Bambi and Jones concentrate on being nice, talking and visiting other planets to notice some of the more basic housekeeping errors they had made but at least they had tried.
Wixey and Harris for some reason thought it would be a good idea to wake the boys up the following morning wearing ‘Scream’ masks. It was. Most were still asleep and when woken by the evil duo offered a variety of responses, remarkably nobody swore, Bambi came close but stopped at ‘What the…’ Mullers gave the best reaction, deservedly thumping Harris in the face.
Breakfast and checkout goes well, Bambi makes Wixey phone the LC2 to locate his lost glasses to no avail and Mullers is docked the only eating point for leaving a half- eaten bap, Harris tries to double it in retribution for being thumped but is not successful. The new Fisher is back and Harris dismisses the search party. The final room inspection as the boys exit their rooms reveals that Ball tries to donate his coat to charity by leaving it in his room. It takes ages for him to realise Harris has put it on and Bambi’s glasses are found under his bed. Jones does not show any signs of trying to remain in the land of his fathers. Taylor very nearly follows instructions but stops at the listening phase.
On the way to Bridgend more smells fill the bus, again everyone turns to Jones and again he refutes the claims, the jury remains out.
The rules by which the game is to be played is explained to the Gloucester coaches a few minutes before kick-off in no uncertain terms and set the tone for the match. Balala was unsure as to which planet he would be inhabiting today and lined up in his right midfield position….for the opposing side. The game was feisty affair with refereeing being seen as a part time role for the obviously overworked Bridgend coach and came below coaching, being a Dad, Linesman and looking after the subs on his priority list. The homeside wanted the victory more than the tourists and played the better football throughout. The second half saw the visitors compete more effectively (do they just like the stern half time team talks before actually trying?). Fisher cancelling out Bridgend’s first half opener. The homeside re-took the lead a few minutes later after some sloppy play from the yellows. A Mulraney free was superbly headed home by Gloucester’s best player on the day, Jones, only for Bridgend to immediately strike from the re-take. A fourth arrived before the final whistle to give the homeside a deserved four- two victory.
All enjoyed the Championship match where Swansea hosted Reading. Bambi tried starting a Mexican wave but as he jumped up and threw his arms in the air his seat folded up and he tried to sit on thin air, he failed. The boys learnt a new song and delighted singing it to the coaches. The song in question was ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning”. Thanks guys. Swansea won two nil.
The journey back to Longlevens was relatively quiet as the demands of the first tour of the season began to take their toll. It must have completely destroyed Dory’s mathematical abilities as he was unable to correctly answer a simple equation. His maths teacher, Mr Cook was contacted, and was heard crying down the phone before denying knowing him. All returned, safe, happy and tired.
Wixey reflected on the questions keeping him awake the night before going.
Would the boys enjoy it? Yes they did. Would they behave? Yes they certainly did. Would their parents behave, unlike last year’s rabble? Yes but the signs are evident that by the time Jersey comes around things may be different. Will there be a male voice choir on every street corner? Amazingly no. Would Jones feel so at home he would not want to return to Blighty? Not for one moment did he yearn to stay in Wales. Would he get a nickname that does not relate to farting? The jury remains on that one. Would Harris survive yet another drowning? Just about but he has aged dramatically. Would he once again become depressed about being another year older? Yes and even more so having aged so much on tour. Would Taylor be able to sit still for more than five minutes. No chance. Not once did he sit still. Would his mum bring the rain with her? Yes, and then some. Would Nicola Bee get a phone that has WhatsApp and melt everyone else’s down with a million posts a day? Thankfully no. Many others took her place though. Would Taylor and Fisher actually listen to anything? For Taylor: listen yes, but do? No. And for Fisher: when the wind blows in the right direction, yes.
A great first South Wales tour. Thanks to all who made it possible. Roll on London in February.
The day’s Whats App discussion revolved around bag packing and how to cram a month’s worth of supplies into a single kit bag, Kennedy put on great show of packing his own bag but on inspection of said bag, a little parental help was evident, like all of it. Fortunately, Fisher’s three bags did not materialize and like all others managed the impossible.
Harris and Wixey are joined on the tour by old boy Ashton Holder from the 13-14 season. While his attitude could not be questioned, his intelligence is in serious doubt having been on three tours with the duo back in the day.
With the impossible bags packed on the minibus, last kisses planted and hugs hugged, the group set off on their adventure to deepest dark Wales.
Villiers is first to leave his wallet unattended at the services, it is safely rescued by the devious coaches who send him off to ask the staff at the last shop he went in if they have it. When that fails to produce the lost wallet, ever helpful Harris dispatches him to check the bin where he dispensed his rubbish. Bambi ( Mason), Fisher, Taylor and Dory (Boakes) are seen helping their teammate search the bin. Taylor and Dory ironically leave their own wallets unattended while they help search. They are also swept up by the now rich coaches. Once the lecture is given the wallets are returned by the poor again coaches.
The group are told of the DREAM marking system that will be in operation for the duration of the tour except for the D for Diary element. Room, Eating, Attitude and Match scores will be given as normal. As usual most say they are not bothered but then their competitive spirit takes over and everyone joins in. Prizes are at stake.
Caerphilly is reached without a Welsh male voice choir being spotted and the game under floodlights gets underway. The tourists treat the first half as they normally do… as a warm up and it is no surprise that the homeside take the lead. The visitors equalise just before halftime, Mulraney heading home from all of a metre out following a corner. Gloucester start the second half in a much more determined fashion and gain an instant reward, Kennedy slotting home after good work from Villiers, Fisher and Mulraney. A Caerphilly equaliser is followed by Bee’s first goal of the season and a low drive into the bottom corner of the net from the impressive Villiers. The homeside pull a goal back in what has now become a very open game before Bee’s delightful cross causes havoc and allows Fisher to head home. Villiers completes the scoring to give the tourists a 3-6 victory. Werner yet again complains about being in defence despite having played so well there.
While Wixey drives, Harris selects the room combinations using the boys’ requests as a basis. Mullers and Taylor are in direct competition with Fisher and Villiers for the room from hell title while Balala (Bee) and Dory will compete with Bambi and Jones for the nicest room. The others, Ball, Werner and Rowling (Kennedy) are packed into the room the coaches have ‘no worries’ over.
Harris cannot find Fisher and a search party is put together. A person inhabiting Fisher’s body is found but this person is nice and is following all asks and is even asleep before the requested time. The search continues. Mullers and Taylor age 40 years as cups of tea are drunk in bed before going straight to sleep. The room from hell competition is falling very flat. Balala and Dory demonstrate that they really need to travel more as they complain to Wixey that they cannot use their wardrobe as it is blocked by a piece of wood. The concept of adjoining rooms is explained to the Longlevens pair. Lewis Cook of Longlevens School is dismayed and denies even knowing either of them. Jones’ unpacks a sloth of bears but reveals his cruel side by leaving one lonesome teddy at home while he cuddles Nilly, Wilbur and Fluffy Sunday without a single thought for the poor unfortunate bear. The nice room prize looks a long way off for Jones & Bambi. They fall behind in the tidiest room stakes as well as they have left the toilet in a less than satisfactory condition. Remarkably the two ‘room from hell’ contenders lead the way and the ‘no worries’ do not.
Jones and Bambi are up five in the morning. Jones had set his alarm clock for 7:30 but forgot to actually set the time on the clock first. They have tried using the time to tidy their room though and somehow cleaned the toilet even though there was no toilet brush. It is amazing how useful tissues can be!
The boys represent their city well at breakfast. Balala asks ‘What kind of mash potato is that?’ Wixey tells him it is scrambled egg and wonders what planet he will be on today. Harris again asks Where’s Fisher?, the imposter is not doing a good impression of him and is courteous and quite pleasant to be with. The search continues. Dory lives up to his nickname and forgets his room number, Balala is no help as he is enjoying life on his own planet.
Rain puts paid to the planned trip to the Mumbles beach in favour of an amusement arcade. Harris has a turn at driving and the boys enjoy counting the beeps he receives as the drivers of Swansea try to educate him. Wixey and Holder hold on as tightly as they can. Jones is blamed for the erroneous smells that have inhabited the bus despite his protestations to the contrary. After arriving safely…ish, Taylor, Villiers and Jones find a Clown Shy game that is stuck open and continually throw the balls for a good twenty minutes before two of them give up. Taylor carries on regardless. Werner celebrates winning two tickets while seasoned gambler Mullers gives a shrug when he hits the jackpot of 500 tickets. Then does it again and marks it with another shrug. Taylor finally gives up throwing the balls at the shy after mammoth 42 minutes, the longest he has held a position since gaining his place in the GPSFA.
The café next door has a self playing piano and over lunch Harris answers the inevitable questions as to how it works by saying it just a ghost. The unbelievers are referred to the young girl on the counter where Harris expects his lie to be exposed but to his delight she says that it is true and then goes even further by telling them that the ghost pianist was murdered right there and now haunts the place. The questions stop immediately. Evil Harris is happy and wants another go at driving. A steep hill becomes his Everest. His first attempt sees the minibus stall and slowly go backward. For the second attempt he reverses as far back as he can, drives as fast as he can in first gear and just as he nears the brow he smugly tells everyone he has made it, the minibus immediately falters and judders to Harris’ horror but he just about manages to keep the wheels turning and reaches the top to cheers from the boys and sighs of relief from Wixey and Holder. Wixey eventually peels his fingers away from the grab bar. No Welsh male voice choirs are spotted all morning but the old Fisher begins to re-emerge.
Swimming at the LC2 in Swansea sees Harris deducted a point for not having packed his swim shorts and another for revealing his body once another pair are purchased. In between the many slide rides, Harris is drowned four times, beaten up three times and visibly aged by ten years in the two hours. Wixey melts and nods off in the spectator gallery as he enjoys the only moment of peace of the tour. Villiers wins the loudest shorts competition by a single decibel from Jones.
After a quick turnaround including an energy food party, the tourists make the short trip to the floodlit pitch. It is raining and the coaches look to see if Cass Bulley has arrived, she has and the rain starts to come down heavier. The native American people of the Zuni are rumoured to be on their way over to UK to visit Cass as they need a new rain dance to increase their rainfall.
Despite the rain and the cold, there is a large following to greet the tourists as they take to the pitch. Three fifteen minute games follow with Swansea fielding three completely different sides. As usual Gloucester give the home side a two goal advantage before beginning to play. The second game is much closer with Villiers gaining the only goal. The third period saw the visitors play their best football, winning it by 2 goals to one, Taylor scoring an absolute cracker, a half volley from 25 metres that stayed about a foot off the ground until it hit the back of the net. Jones headed in the final goal to bring the overall scoreline to a creditable 3 all draw. The old Fisher is most definitely with us again and Harris ages another two years and re-assembles the search party, this time for the new Fisher. Werner again says he is not a defender. If only this team could start as they finish games…..
A quick trip to McDonalds goes down very well. Jones’ horizons are expanded as he tucks into his first Big Mac not realizing it is a slippery slope he has embarked upon. Werner finally says he is a defender as Big Mac’s are offered to defenders only.
Back at the hotel, Mullers and Taylor spend as much time as they can tidying their rooms as do Villiers and Fisher making Harris and Wixey’s prediction of them competing for ‘the room from hell ‘ tile looking very wide of the mark. That title is most definitely won by the group the coaches thought would give them no worries whatsoever. Werner ( threatened with being docked points for his Chelsea pyjamas), Rowling and Ball, especially Ball who has the attention span of a goldfish , proves to be Harris’ worst decision since deciding to follow the Dawn French diet. Dory, Balala, Bambi and Jones concentrate on being nice, talking and visiting other planets to notice some of the more basic housekeeping errors they had made but at least they had tried.
Wixey and Harris for some reason thought it would be a good idea to wake the boys up the following morning wearing ‘Scream’ masks. It was. Most were still asleep and when woken by the evil duo offered a variety of responses, remarkably nobody swore, Bambi came close but stopped at ‘What the…’ Mullers gave the best reaction, deservedly thumping Harris in the face.
Breakfast and checkout goes well, Bambi makes Wixey phone the LC2 to locate his lost glasses to no avail and Mullers is docked the only eating point for leaving a half- eaten bap, Harris tries to double it in retribution for being thumped but is not successful. The new Fisher is back and Harris dismisses the search party. The final room inspection as the boys exit their rooms reveals that Ball tries to donate his coat to charity by leaving it in his room. It takes ages for him to realise Harris has put it on and Bambi’s glasses are found under his bed. Jones does not show any signs of trying to remain in the land of his fathers. Taylor very nearly follows instructions but stops at the listening phase.
On the way to Bridgend more smells fill the bus, again everyone turns to Jones and again he refutes the claims, the jury remains out.
The rules by which the game is to be played is explained to the Gloucester coaches a few minutes before kick-off in no uncertain terms and set the tone for the match. Balala was unsure as to which planet he would be inhabiting today and lined up in his right midfield position….for the opposing side. The game was feisty affair with refereeing being seen as a part time role for the obviously overworked Bridgend coach and came below coaching, being a Dad, Linesman and looking after the subs on his priority list. The homeside wanted the victory more than the tourists and played the better football throughout. The second half saw the visitors compete more effectively (do they just like the stern half time team talks before actually trying?). Fisher cancelling out Bridgend’s first half opener. The homeside re-took the lead a few minutes later after some sloppy play from the yellows. A Mulraney free was superbly headed home by Gloucester’s best player on the day, Jones, only for Bridgend to immediately strike from the re-take. A fourth arrived before the final whistle to give the homeside a deserved four- two victory.
All enjoyed the Championship match where Swansea hosted Reading. Bambi tried starting a Mexican wave but as he jumped up and threw his arms in the air his seat folded up and he tried to sit on thin air, he failed. The boys learnt a new song and delighted singing it to the coaches. The song in question was ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning”. Thanks guys. Swansea won two nil.
The journey back to Longlevens was relatively quiet as the demands of the first tour of the season began to take their toll. It must have completely destroyed Dory’s mathematical abilities as he was unable to correctly answer a simple equation. His maths teacher, Mr Cook was contacted, and was heard crying down the phone before denying knowing him. All returned, safe, happy and tired.
Wixey reflected on the questions keeping him awake the night before going.
Would the boys enjoy it? Yes they did. Would they behave? Yes they certainly did. Would their parents behave, unlike last year’s rabble? Yes but the signs are evident that by the time Jersey comes around things may be different. Will there be a male voice choir on every street corner? Amazingly no. Would Jones feel so at home he would not want to return to Blighty? Not for one moment did he yearn to stay in Wales. Would he get a nickname that does not relate to farting? The jury remains on that one. Would Harris survive yet another drowning? Just about but he has aged dramatically. Would he once again become depressed about being another year older? Yes and even more so having aged so much on tour. Would Taylor be able to sit still for more than five minutes. No chance. Not once did he sit still. Would his mum bring the rain with her? Yes, and then some. Would Nicola Bee get a phone that has WhatsApp and melt everyone else’s down with a million posts a day? Thankfully no. Many others took her place though. Would Taylor and Fisher actually listen to anything? For Taylor: listen yes, but do? No. And for Fisher: when the wind blows in the right direction, yes.
A great first South Wales tour. Thanks to all who made it possible. Roll on London in February.
