Thursday

It’s that time of year where this year’s cohort get to experience Tour. The boys are eagerly awaiting when James and I arrive and it’s the parents who look more nervous about letting go of their beloveds.

The journey starts with the same loud noises on the bus that we would love to hear more of on the pitch. Coach Harris made the mistake of allowing the boys to choose songs to listen to and there were some very questionable songs until Howell finally requested a Michael Jackson song. James and I finally could join in. ‘The Thick of It’ becoming the song of the Tour, however wasn’t too bad.

Horsford, the ever vocal rapper, asked who was Manager and who was Coach between James and I. We asked his opinion, to which he replied that James was the Coach because he (and I quote), “Is just there!”. The First Aid Kit came out to mend James’ broken heart.

The ever-competetive Coin game sees Parker, Horsford & Drew winning their leagues, but Drew being declared the first Champions of Champions. Sadly, at the other end, Asare finishes as Ultimate Loser – just losing out to Ball by one coin flip.

At the first Services stop of the Tour, Horsford spends nearly half his money already. Drew wants to show us he’s a good Masseuse and he was not lying. There’s definitely a career in it for him should being a Class Clown not work out for him.

James and I keep a close eye on the boys. Boyd looks like he is looking for any Services tatt to buy, but refrains and Hales just looks like he’s having the time of his life already – smiling everywhere he goes.

The game didn’t bring much joy to the Tour. Losing 2-0 to a team that played some decent football. Sadly, we played very little football on a small pitch. Worthy mentions go to Asare and Howell, with the former having a solid game.

Following some miserable words from the already-miserable two Coaches, a healthy meal of Sausage and Chips were put on by the lovely hosts, who looked after us splendidly. Although, according to Jones’ Diary entry, the Chips were, “Too potato-ey”.

Arriving at the hotel, the much anticipated room selection took place. With Colley & Durrans in the Twin Room and the Triplet Rooms being occupied by Howell, Drew & Ball, Parker, Boyd & Horsford and finally, Jones, Asare & Hales. Howell, Drew & Ball were situated next to Coach Harris’ room for obvious reasons and told to quieten down within 3 minutes 17 seconds.

An evening stroll down at Aberavon Beach led us to a small Skatepark most likely used for heathens during the day. Keeping with that tradition, we thought we would bring some Gloucester Barbarianism to the ramps. A few runs over the ramps knackered a few of them out, but it was the balancing beam that caused issues – Howell & Ball going down like the preverbial sack was a highlight for everyone else ….not for them!

Races were to be had on the steps of the beach. Room Horsford, Parker & Boyd winning the group race, but Coaches Butler & Harris smashed the boys in their races, but special mentions to Jones – who is quite rapid, even in Crocs and Asare in Sliders and Hales, who again, smiles even when running his backside off.

Back to the hotel for Diaries – where certain people like Durrans and Colley struggle to stop talking – typical Longlevens. Healthy Crisps and Chocolate are consumed before heading up to the rooms for Room Inspections.

Room Inspections were fine, but not perfect. The reprobates of Room 116 lose 3 points due to leaving two things messy leaving Blue Toothpaste spat in the sink. They also then lose an Attitude point for having to be told to go to sleep again – when every other person is already sleep. Jones lets down Asare & Hales with his untidy bag, which won’t be the last time.

Friday

The morning brings a wake-up call of 8am. Boyd has to be woken up and looks incredibly shocked for about 10 seconds to be in hotel room with other people and not in his own bed. A walk into Room 116 sees Drew just sat on edge of the bed in the dark by himself. Halloween was the night before, but that freaked both Coaches out.

Breakfast saw the boys eat plenty. Drew, Durrans and Howell were talking to some lady about why they were here. At the same time, Ball was seen being spoken to by another lady in the queue for hot food. At the horror that someone would speak to him, he looked at me with utter distress waiting to be rescued. We, of course, left him chatting to the kind lady.

Early indications suggest that Horsford would be the Eating Animal, Jones and Parker are the sensible ones – eating fruit and cooked food and Durrans looks to have never been taught how to use a knife and fork. Colley, however, overused the knife and fork to eat his muffin. We have our work cut out.

The game against Swansea saw us be fantastic after 20mins. A great through-ball from Parker to Horsford, whose pace took him past two defenders to slot home and a Ball free kick from about 20 yards finds its way to the top corner of the goal. 2 sloppy goals conceded from Corners meant we lost 3-2, but a great performance nonetheless.

During the game, Colley turned into Scar from the Lion King after a boot caught his face. “He didn’t touch him!” was the cry from the Referee. His forehead says different.

Next call was a healthy Greggs for Lunch, where each boy had a spend limit of £5. Some, such as Hales and Parker were nice and were under their limit. Some, such Durrans and Howell needed to be exactly £5 and one other, Horsford had to exceed his spend limit.

The trip to the Vacuum Museum (this is where we’d told the boys we’d be planning on going. They were not amused) was in fact the Mumbles Pier Arcade. Sadly, we arrived to find the sad remnants of what once was – the original space having been ruined in a fire. A small room with very few games left meant the boys quite quickly had done everything on offer and even tried to do the games that weren’t on offer. A toddler’s ride, where two people sit and it takes them into the air and back down was frequented by quite a few.

Ball tried the Punching machine and scored 370. Colley tried it and scored 71 out of 999 🤦‍♂️. Hales and Jones were seen trying to hit the large Hammer at the pokey-up-thing, but the hits were so minimal, even the grannies passing by felt sorry for them.

Drew got battered at Air Hockey by me and Parker, Asare & Howell spent lots of 2-pence pieces and won nothing. Hales, was gutted when he just changed a couple of quid for lots of 2-pence pieces – only to be told we were leaving.

Boyd cheered everyone up when he gave birth to Mr Mumbles the Bear – our new mascot and apparently his and Horsford’s child. The poor Bear had a turbulent start to life being passed from pillar to post, had his face put in the sand and Boyd leaned on him to get up a big step and even within an hour had “Separated parents and would be spending Sundays to Wednesday with one parent and Wednesday to Saturday with the other.

Having ‘completed the Arcade’, plan-B had to be decided. After some moaning about having photos done and being told multiple times that “I’m not Tony”, the boys wanted to climb a massive sloped cliff. Being a Welfare Officer myself, a quick reminder that if only two boys broke a leg falling, we would still have a team that could play the next day and it was decided to ascend – much to the delight of Horsford and Parker, who often kept getting away with themselves with multiple reminders to stay behind me. Asare and Ball tentatively climbed the rockface and did brilliantly in the end.

Climbing another Rock Island, everyone made it to the top where Howell asked to go for a wee. I told him to go into the bush, but look up seconds later to find him weeing in the open air – with the wind spraying it in many directions. I held my head in shame and the people down the beachside eating their Chips covered their food.

Just as the tide was quickly coming back in, we decided to stop for healthy Ice Creams – with Jones struggling to put much in his mouth, but deciding to feed the pavement on multiple occasions instead.

Swimming was the next order of the day. Another injury to Colley was highlighted when it was noticed he had a Red Back…no-one knows why.

As with most previous cohorts, most of the boys thought they could fight me. All lost. Parker and Jones were suckers for punishment and kept coming back for more and drowned every time. Ball, Hales, Asare, Drew & Durrans also kept trying to fight me and lost every time. Some boys were very easy to throw across the water. Again, I’m a Welfare Officer, it’s fine.

The slides were very much enjoyed by everyone. At one point, Howell had gone off by himself for 10minutes only to be found entertaining himself going up and down the slides.

Sicknote Colley stops me to tell me that he’s now bleeding on the back of his foot. We just call St John’s Ambulance to sit outside in case more goes wrong for that boy.

Dinner at The Harvester saw some of the boys quip that they’ve never eaten so much food in one day. Jones & Howell drop points on their Sundaes, while Boyd, Colley and Horsford mix their flavoured drinks to look like sewage water. Coach Butler loses two points for losing his hotel key and leaving food.

Room inspections were much improved – with both the occupants of Room 112 (Colley & Durrans) and Room 116 (Ball, Howell & Drew) gaining maximum points. Both other rooms scored 9, showing that all boys are capable of keeping their rooms very clean. Don’t listen to them in future if they’re sat in their dumps at home.

Saturday

Breakfast sees Drew try to recruit a member of the public to eat his food, should he not be able to finish it and risks losing a point. A point is deducted for the very idea and being silly enough to do it within earshot of me. 

Compliments from members of the public shine the boys in a glowing light once again.

No points are dropped for Eating and Howell gets away with losing a point due to a fly landing on the “not very nice Toast” that he was debating whether to finish.

Yesterday’s points are given out, with only 4 points separating everyone. A moment of amazement felt by all, which included the question, “How am I top?”, when Drew is declared 1 point in the overall lead.

A final room inspection sees Colley & Durrans gain maximum points, Rooms 116 lose points for the room not being as neat and not flushing the chain and 117 lose a couple of points for slightly messy. However, the ‘reliable room’ were not so reliable – with an unflushed toilet, unopened curtains and a bottle left under the bed. “How am I supposed to see that under the bed?” asked Asare. “In the same way, I did – you just look!”, I quipped back.

The route to Rhondda took us up the windiest roads into the Stratospheric layer and back down again. Ball, who originally told me he would take his Anti-Sickness Tablet before we left, then preceded to tell me he was feeling sick. It was noted to never trust his word again as I moved further away from him.

The match was a game of two halves with more than one meaning. Rhondda dominated the first half and scored 2 sloppy goals. With us playing poorly, but still creating chances, we knew there were opportunities if we upped it….and we did exactly that for the second half. Domination now with us, Drew gets on the end of one of my favourite goals of the season. Starting from the back, a smooth transition through midfield, down the right and back into the area, Drew gives us a chance. Chances galore followed for us, but the elusive goal continued to be so until the last couple of minutes. Boyd, who had minutes before had a free kick cleared off the line, repeated the same precise kick. This time, the clearance bounces back just outside the 6-yard box for Horsford to half-volley in to the top corner.

A thoroughly deserved draw (if not, better), but lessons still need to be learnt about starting slow.

The trip back sees the final Services stop. Parker waits 25 minutes for a Hamburger and Chips, Howell can’t finish his multiple Doughnuts, Colley and Ball lose points for not being able to finish their drinks and Hales is ever helpful by clearing away other people’s mess and gains an Attitude point.

Arrival back at Longlevens sees the parents eagerly awaiting to give their kids the hugs they’ve missed and James and I breathe a sigh of relief that peace and quiet can be resumed in our lives again….until next Friday, at least.

Thank you so much to the parents that travelled down to watch. It’s a long way to come to see the boys for a couple of hours each day. Although, from the messages I saw, it seems they had a good time themselves.

Lastly, thank you to the boys. They were a real credit to the Association, themselves and their families. We had a fair few compliments about the boys throughout the weekend and they deserved them.

Gloucester B: Howell, Ball, Asare, Colley, Jones, Hales, Parker, Boyd, Durrans, Drew, Horsford