The Jersey Festival - Challenges, Experiences and Memories
Saturday
The boys from Gloucester B embarked on their third tour to Jersey with an incident free trip to Southampton Airport, aside from picking up a waif and stray on the way who bore a remarkable resemblance to Coach Harris, but with heavy eyelids and a very tired look. Harris had been Best Man, Usher, photographer, guest and most probably master of ceremonies as well at former coach Lewis Cook’s wedding the day before. Poor grammar and questionable clothing confirmed it was Coach Harris; everyone else was in good spirits and determined to represent the City to the best of their abilities. Williams had done well to arrive without any stomach upset. Balkwill had been dispatched with enough medicines to open a new Boots the Chemist.
The first incident of any note concerned a doddery old man who was obviously suffering from some form of dementia related illness. He rose from his seat on the plane just as take-off was imminent and ignored the very direct requests of the stewardess to sit down and limped down the aisle, further worrying first time flyer Sutherland until he stopped at an ‘A’ Team player to reprimand him before finally returning to his seat. On leaving the plane, Coach Owen was seen head bowed while receiving a lecture from an irate stewardess as he represented the City to the best of his ability.
Groundsman, chef and driver Foran was dismayed to see the mini-bus allocated to the team. It already had the door caved in, obviously in anticipation of the damage that the Gloucester mini-buses are normally returned with. Previous culprits, coaches Wixey and Owen, are nowhere to be seen.
They were excited, what will their rooms be like, what will the football be like, how much free time will they get and also for being away from their families for a whole week. The boys were excited as well.
All settled in well, teddies were cuddled, but not one picture of a loved one was kissed. Coach Harris had taken a deep breath and paired Sutherland and Weatherley together and then in a moment of genius handed Coach Wixey his key, right next to them. Wixey grumbled and vowed to return the favour sometime.
Coaches Wixey and Harris ended day one looking forward to the ‘B’ team competing well in the festival.
Sunday
The boys performed very well in their opening game against a very strong Plymouth side but lost 1-0. Butcher was pleased to be given his third pair of new yellow socks for the tour to replace the very grey ones that accidently got washed with black items by his mum.
Lunch revealed that Mason was not joking when he said he was a fussy eater and may already be out of the running to retain his top tourist position after just three meals. It was already apparent that knives and forks are optional in most households. Miguel the waiter was already a favourite with the boys.
The afternoon trip to La Corbiere allowed mountain goat Harris to show off how surprisingly light he was on his feet, clambering over the rocks with 10 little ducks following behind. Swimming at Les Quennevais pool allowed him be a kid again and splash, throw and jump on as many boys as he could until they slowly tired of his antics and gradually drifted away in small groups for some peace.
The evening meal brought further point losses for Mason and revealed that Butcher and Elliott were going to battle for the Division one title, while Balkwill and Collins were squaring up for the premiership fight. Williams had his first stomach complaint.
Wixey and Harris were proud of the boys’ performance today and were still hopeful for the rest of the week.
Monday
Sutherland began a craze for water melon at breakfast that would last all week. Williams was full after two mouthfuls of Coco Pops and complained of an impending stomach upset.
The game against Orpington B did not go well and they lost 2-0. Coach Owen was seen punching the air and dancing in an unseemly display on the touchline, representing his City to the best of his ability when celebrating an ‘A’ team goal. Beccy Butcher offers to wash the kit and when Wixey replies that he would rather find a launderette and pay the exorbitant service wash fee, Beccy is left dumbfounded as she stands there all dressed up in her grey attire that matches most of the socks worn by her son.
Match forgotten and lunch consumed by all except Mason. Chef / groundsman / mini-bus driver / navigator Foran headed for the northern beach of Plemont, arriving an hour later at the most easterly beach of Gorey. The boys knew no different and enjoyed an afternoon of football and sandcastles, turning into a game of football rugby with sandcastles as goalkeepers. Driver Foran chatted to the Ice-cream seller until he gained a discount on all the ice-creams.
During Diary time Wixey challenged Mason to show that he cannot be so nice all the time and say something mean. Coach ‘Elvis’ Basford was to be his intended target as he got on well with him. Elvis just happened to pass by, and in front of all, Mason’s rude reply to Basford’s greeting startled all. A bemused Elvis walked on. Mason won his bonus point and started to think of ways of being Coach B’s friend again without revealing the challenge.
Wixey and Harris were now worried as to how the rest of the week’s football would go.
Tuesday
Breakfast saw Mason trying his best to apologise to Elvis who eventually relented and said he would accept it if the perpetrator found five Elvis song titles by lunch time. Mason accepted and asked any elderly person he could find for the information. Wixey was not happy to be asked first. Harris was re-christened ‘Zlatan’ on account of his Ibrahimović-like hairstyle and Williams again complained of a full stomach after half a sausage and seven Coco Pops. Weatherley decided to see if he could whinge for a whole day. He was successful.
The team played well against a physically strong under 12 St Paul’s side and deserved to get more out of the game than a three nil defeat. Williams had to come off for a while to stop him being ill on the pitch and Pinkney injures his knee but remembers something his Dad once told him, that he had once played on with a broken arm in a rugby game. He carries on only to injure his other knee. Again he remembers what his Dad had said and carries on.
At lunch Mason did not just recite his five Elvis song titles but sang them to Elvis Basford instead. He then cheekily proffered, “If you were thinking of getting me a prize, I’d like some wine gums and they sell them at the shop around the corner.” With good grace, Elvis did give Mason his requested prize. “I am Zlatan” was already becoming a Harris catchphrase.
Driver Foran attempted to try and find Plemont Bay for a second time. After a couple of wrong turns the mini-bus eventually arrived at the required destination only to find that by now the tide had come in. After a quick change of plan, the mini-bus arrived in Greve de Lecq for another great sunny afternoon at the beach. Three hardy souls, Butcher, Mason and Collins braved the freezing water for all of 3 seconds, only for photographer Zlatan to insist on taking pictures of them behind a waterfall. The reward for the intrepid trio was having to get changed into warmer wear as quickly as possible while still on the beach. Wixey attempts to gain a suitable discount from the ice-cream seller but fails dismally and pays full price. Driver Foran is seen smirking in the background.
Butcher and Elliott resume their battle at dinner despite Sutherland wanting to see if Butcher likes everything dunked in water. Balkwill loses pace with Collins while Mason and Williams lose pace with everybody.
Diaries reveal Elliott has not just eaten everything put before him but has swallowed a thesaurus as well. Wixey has to sneak off and look up some of the words to mark his diary. Balkwill scares Wixey during room inspection with his Blofeld from James Bond impersonation.
Coaches Wixey and Harris consider their future but are given the dreaded vote of confidence by Vice Chairman / Server / Coach / Linesman Macdonald.
Wednesday
At breakfast, two dubious challenges are given out by coach Wixey. Weatherley is challenged not to whinge all day and Williams is given the task of being intelligent for a day. Surprisingly they accept.
Butcher and Elliott conspire to leave the latter’s boots behind. Sutherland volunteers to wear boots that are two sizes too big so all can play. Collins’ heels force him to miss most of the Thurrock match. Pinkney injures his shoulder but refuses to come off because once his dad played on with a broken arm. Also because there were no substitutes left. A good second half follows an indifferent first half and the boys are defeated again. Sonia ‘Boots the Chemist’ Balkwill is seen delving into her supplies to come to the aid of the Newbury goalkeeper. Three ambulance men and two doctors wait in line for assistance.
Butcher is challenged not to fiddle with his cutlery for a whole meal time. Within five seconds he sits back dejected having lost the challenge but at least he is at the table on time. The ‘A’ Team arrive for lunch well after waiter Miguel has said the kitchen is closed. Coach Owen offers no apology for his lateness and begins ordering as he represents his city to the best of his ability.
The visit to Aqua Splash allows the boys to let off steam. Coach Zlatan does so more than most and is twice warned by the lifeguards. Some of the boys shake their heads in disapproval. The Williams family arrive telling Mission Impossible tales of how they have taken to sneaking about the hotel in order not to bump into Harry as he is unaware they are staying there. Almost immediately the family trait is upheld with former ‘B’ Team player Alfie being taken ill just sitting by the side of the pool. Butcher is lucky that it stops raining as he leaves the pool as he has forgotten his coat.
With appetites sharpened and Butcher’s insistence that Roast Lion is on the menu, all were keen to get to dinner only to be disappointed a few minutes later when Roast Loin of Pork is served. Williams tries to prove his intelligence by happily trotting off to ask the St Albans coach for a long weight. After being made to stand around for a couple of minutes he returns to say they do not have it anymore but can they have their chocolate teapot back please. After a few more fruitless requests Williams is put out of his misery by his laughing team mates. Many boys are seen standing around the dinner hall waiting for their long weight that evening. Williams gives up on gaining a point by being intelligent for a day and returns to losing loads of points by leaving half his food. Coach Wixey offers blue cheese to anybody to try and with no takers turns it into a challenge. Balkwill, Sallis and Collins go for the extra points. Only Collins refuses to give up and succeeds even though he has tears rolling down his face and he receives a very hard earned point. Surprisingly Weatherley wins his point for not whinging for a whole day. Sutherland did it for him.
Coaches Wixey and Harris spend a nice hour with the parents. Pinkney senior takes them into confidence and says that they should inspire the boys by telling them that he once played rugby with a broken arm - adding that he does not like to talk about it. Karen Pinkney adds that we should serve the boys with shots before the match. Coaches return full of sympathy for Pinkney Junior and are very worried for his future.
Coaches Wixey and Harris’s vote of confidence is withdrawn and replaced with a vote of no confidence. Vice Chairman / Server / Coach / Linesman Macdonald eyes promotion and a hike in status by adding B Team Director of Football to his ever-growing job description.
Thursday
The day starts in fine style with Coach Owen greeting yet another knock on his door with due consideration and understanding by shouting loudly. The chambermaid scurries away as Coach Owen represents his City to the best of his ability.
Elliott is challenged by Zlatan to wear his hair in a bun and with a little persuasion arrives at the ground sporting the hairstyle to the disbelief of his parents. Zlatan is pleased with his mini-me and awards him his point. Even though he doesn’t like to talk about it, Pinkney senior reminds the coaches that he once played with a broken arm. The new self-appointed Director of Football offers Coaches Wixey and Harris the advice of ‘Try and score a goal’. Taking this on board completely, the duo pick the most defensive formation possible and contemplate life after football. The team play well and restrict Jersey, the eventual top team to just four goals.
The Gloucester parents, siblings and players do what they do best after a game of football during a football festival...play rugby. Giving many the opportunity for all to show their skills and Pinkney Senior the chance to tell people he once played with a broken arm…but he doesn’t like to talk about it. Sarah Williams completes the match without being ill, completely destroying the hard earned reputation built up by her offspring.
A return to La Corbiere with the tide out this time gives the mountain goat another opportunity to lead his charges as they snake behind him across the rocks like the Pied Piper. Williams hangs from a rock scared to make the leap to terra firma as he is, in his words, “Too small”. Eventually he is talked into completing a death defying leap of at least 3 centimetres.
To celebrate their safe return, Driver Foran again looks for an ice cream van. Foran leaves the female seller no opportunity of escape as he drives the mini-bus right up to the window. She recognises him from previous years and immediately gives him discount in the hope of saving herself from another extended conversation. She is not successful and is visibly crestfallen when Foran leaves saying, “See you next year.” Wixey makes a note that Foran can buy all the ice-creams from now on in.
Butcher somehow manages to have another meal ruined by water being accidently spilt into his plate through no fault of his own. He is happier when Coach Wixey does not deduct any points. Williams tries to deceive by hiding broccoli under his fork and is deducted another point. Butcher receives a St Albans shirt complete with name and number on the back. Coaches Wixey, Harris and Owen attempt to negotiate the permanent transfer of Butcher and think they have succeeded with a full box of crisps offered, but at the last moment St Albans demand more to take him. A quick whip round leaves the coaches a few pounds short of the target and Butcher is forced to remain a Gloucester player.
Coaches Wixey and Harris finally offer their resignations. Vice Chairman / Server / Coach / Linesman / Director of Football Macdonald is to sleep on it and will let them know in the morning if he is to accept them.
Friday
Williams is ill before the match against St Albans gets underway. The remedy is administered and is successful. A packet of Skips crisps is now part of the medical staff’s list of vital items. Pinkney Senior tries to inspire by relating a secret to all of how he once played rugby with a broken arm. Pinkney Junior rolls his eyes and makes a mental note to look up the adoption process when he returns home. The game is another disappointing reverse. The boys are cheered up by the news they are now record breakers, having lost all their games without scoring.
The coaches’ pro-celebrity match has three Gloucester representatives, Uncle Fester Stalley, Elvis Basford and Zlatan Harris. Uncle Fester is first to make an impact with a shot destined for the corner flag when it hits an ageing defender too slow to get out of the way and deflects past the goalkeeper too lazy to dive and into the net. He wheels away arm raised shamelessly celebrating as if he meant it. Elvis gets in on the act and under no pressure at all plays a back pass to the ‘keeper that misses him completely and gifts a goal to the opposition. His team mates are very supportive and do not pass to him again. Meanwhile Zlatan makes a run forward and has to either take the corner or make the long run back to his defensive position. His corner hits the first man. He is coached vociferously from the sidelines by the Gloucester boys. His only second half contribution is to dive and give away a penalty. He is again coached vociferously from the sidelines by the Gloucester boys.
At lunch Zlatan is unable to decide between ice cream and gateaux. Fed up of waiting, an exasperated Miguel gives him both. He unsuccessfully tries the same trick for all the remaining meals.
The afternoon’s activities are to be decided by a vote. Aqua Splash is the runaway winner. Zlatan is fearful as he has no energy left to fight off 10 boys trying to drown him. He is distraught when he finds out the ‘A’ team have independently arrived at the same venue and he will now have 20 boys trying to drown him. Again Butcher forgets his coat. Zlatan survives but only just. He is only reprimanded once by the lifeguards this time. Sallis decides to try and change the water colour to red by banging his nose on a float.
Former coach Cook texts Zlatan to let him know that he and his new wife are cutting short their honeymoon and booking a flight to Jersey to take control of the situation on the field. As usual he is too late.
Captains Collins and Weatherley hastily write their ‘thank you’ speeches in readiness for the evenings Gala Dinner. They are actually a little disappointed to find out they have been tricked by Zlatan. Collins and Weatherley have both taken unassailable positions in their respective eating leagues with Butcher and Elliott tied for theirs. Collins, Butcher and Elliott are also tied for the overall prize. Both Butcher and Elliott are challenged to eat two of their main dislikes, tomatoes and mushrooms. A suggestion to revive the blue cheese challenge as a way of deciding is agreed. Butcher and Elliott bravely chew and quickly swallow a tiny ball of the cheese. Collins does not keep it down and is declared third overall. Butcher and Elliott fight on.
The GPSFA quiz part one reveals that Mason reads and memorises the programme from cover to cover and the rest have not even seen one.
Wixey and Harris are resigned to their fate and start to look on the positives of the situation. Wixey thinks of the money he will save, the holidays he’ll be able to have and the oodles of Saturday lie-ins he’ll enjoy. Harris looks forward to the money he can earn from photography on a Saturday and concentrate on ousting Hickey from his perch, but less so about having to grow up and act his age. Their meeting with Vice Chairman / Server / Coach / Linesman / Director of Football Macdonald does not go well and they are sentenced to 10 more years as B Team Coaches. Both are very disappointed and will appeal to the Real Chairman on their return.
Saturday
Breakfast finally sees the epic battle between Elliott and Butcher resolved. Butcher bites off more than he can chew and cannot finish his toast in the allotted time. Elliott wins on a technical knockout. Both have put their larger team mates to shame and eaten just about everything put before them.
After all are taken through what to pack and what not pack in hand luggage the frantic packing begins. This clearly demonstrates that very few boys were involved in the packing for the outbound journey. The methods on display are many and varied, ranging from filling as many of the pockets as possible, completely filling the holdall and then putting inside the case to just simply stuffing everything in and forcing the top shut. Butcher forgets some items and has to re-pack. Williams leaves a whole drawer full of T-shirts in situ.
Having hardly spent a penny the whole holiday, all are unleashed on the town. Shopkeepers rub their hands with glee as the race to spend their parents’ hard earned cash in the shortest amount of time begins. All parents lose.
There is a tearful farewell to Miguel at lunch with many man bumps and hugs taking place. Butcher is seen racing back into the restaurant until coach Wixey holds up the fudge that he had, true to form, left behind.
At the airport, driver Foran asks coach Owen if has handed over the final cheque to Pat Cullinane the event organiser. Owen searches his pockets, getting increasingly worried. Foran makes a very ageist remark as Owen continues to search frantically, eventually pulling out the cheque and proceeds to wave it in Foran’s face like a four-year old in front of all the other startled travellers…as he represents his city to the best of his ability. Butcher has forgotten about the items allowed in hand luggage and loses his toiletries. Coach Uncle Fester is questioned heavily by security after attempting to take scissors with him. The rest of the coaching staff offer much verbal support and demand an internal search and that he be taken away. Coach Harris helpfully offers to look after his wife and adopt his children. In the face of the abuse received the security guard waves him through.
As the tired but happy group land and leave Southampton airport another fantastic tour comes to an end. One full of fun, friendships, blue cheese, wind-ups, sun, Elvis songs, rain, hailstones, swimming, hairstyles, many challenges and hundreds of great memories.
Many thanks are due to all who made it possible, the many parents who were able to travel and especially the boys for immersing themselves in and adding to the traditions and rich history of the Jersey Festival.
Memories.
The boys from Gloucester B embarked on their third tour to Jersey with an incident free trip to Southampton Airport, aside from picking up a waif and stray on the way who bore a remarkable resemblance to Coach Harris, but with heavy eyelids and a very tired look. Harris had been Best Man, Usher, photographer, guest and most probably master of ceremonies as well at former coach Lewis Cook’s wedding the day before. Poor grammar and questionable clothing confirmed it was Coach Harris; everyone else was in good spirits and determined to represent the City to the best of their abilities. Williams had done well to arrive without any stomach upset. Balkwill had been dispatched with enough medicines to open a new Boots the Chemist.
The first incident of any note concerned a doddery old man who was obviously suffering from some form of dementia related illness. He rose from his seat on the plane just as take-off was imminent and ignored the very direct requests of the stewardess to sit down and limped down the aisle, further worrying first time flyer Sutherland until he stopped at an ‘A’ Team player to reprimand him before finally returning to his seat. On leaving the plane, Coach Owen was seen head bowed while receiving a lecture from an irate stewardess as he represented the City to the best of his ability.
Groundsman, chef and driver Foran was dismayed to see the mini-bus allocated to the team. It already had the door caved in, obviously in anticipation of the damage that the Gloucester mini-buses are normally returned with. Previous culprits, coaches Wixey and Owen, are nowhere to be seen.
They were excited, what will their rooms be like, what will the football be like, how much free time will they get and also for being away from their families for a whole week. The boys were excited as well.
All settled in well, teddies were cuddled, but not one picture of a loved one was kissed. Coach Harris had taken a deep breath and paired Sutherland and Weatherley together and then in a moment of genius handed Coach Wixey his key, right next to them. Wixey grumbled and vowed to return the favour sometime.
Coaches Wixey and Harris ended day one looking forward to the ‘B’ team competing well in the festival.
Sunday
The boys performed very well in their opening game against a very strong Plymouth side but lost 1-0. Butcher was pleased to be given his third pair of new yellow socks for the tour to replace the very grey ones that accidently got washed with black items by his mum.
Lunch revealed that Mason was not joking when he said he was a fussy eater and may already be out of the running to retain his top tourist position after just three meals. It was already apparent that knives and forks are optional in most households. Miguel the waiter was already a favourite with the boys.
The afternoon trip to La Corbiere allowed mountain goat Harris to show off how surprisingly light he was on his feet, clambering over the rocks with 10 little ducks following behind. Swimming at Les Quennevais pool allowed him be a kid again and splash, throw and jump on as many boys as he could until they slowly tired of his antics and gradually drifted away in small groups for some peace.
The evening meal brought further point losses for Mason and revealed that Butcher and Elliott were going to battle for the Division one title, while Balkwill and Collins were squaring up for the premiership fight. Williams had his first stomach complaint.
Wixey and Harris were proud of the boys’ performance today and were still hopeful for the rest of the week.
Monday
Sutherland began a craze for water melon at breakfast that would last all week. Williams was full after two mouthfuls of Coco Pops and complained of an impending stomach upset.
The game against Orpington B did not go well and they lost 2-0. Coach Owen was seen punching the air and dancing in an unseemly display on the touchline, representing his City to the best of his ability when celebrating an ‘A’ team goal. Beccy Butcher offers to wash the kit and when Wixey replies that he would rather find a launderette and pay the exorbitant service wash fee, Beccy is left dumbfounded as she stands there all dressed up in her grey attire that matches most of the socks worn by her son.
Match forgotten and lunch consumed by all except Mason. Chef / groundsman / mini-bus driver / navigator Foran headed for the northern beach of Plemont, arriving an hour later at the most easterly beach of Gorey. The boys knew no different and enjoyed an afternoon of football and sandcastles, turning into a game of football rugby with sandcastles as goalkeepers. Driver Foran chatted to the Ice-cream seller until he gained a discount on all the ice-creams.
During Diary time Wixey challenged Mason to show that he cannot be so nice all the time and say something mean. Coach ‘Elvis’ Basford was to be his intended target as he got on well with him. Elvis just happened to pass by, and in front of all, Mason’s rude reply to Basford’s greeting startled all. A bemused Elvis walked on. Mason won his bonus point and started to think of ways of being Coach B’s friend again without revealing the challenge.
Wixey and Harris were now worried as to how the rest of the week’s football would go.
Tuesday
Breakfast saw Mason trying his best to apologise to Elvis who eventually relented and said he would accept it if the perpetrator found five Elvis song titles by lunch time. Mason accepted and asked any elderly person he could find for the information. Wixey was not happy to be asked first. Harris was re-christened ‘Zlatan’ on account of his Ibrahimović-like hairstyle and Williams again complained of a full stomach after half a sausage and seven Coco Pops. Weatherley decided to see if he could whinge for a whole day. He was successful.
The team played well against a physically strong under 12 St Paul’s side and deserved to get more out of the game than a three nil defeat. Williams had to come off for a while to stop him being ill on the pitch and Pinkney injures his knee but remembers something his Dad once told him, that he had once played on with a broken arm in a rugby game. He carries on only to injure his other knee. Again he remembers what his Dad had said and carries on.
At lunch Mason did not just recite his five Elvis song titles but sang them to Elvis Basford instead. He then cheekily proffered, “If you were thinking of getting me a prize, I’d like some wine gums and they sell them at the shop around the corner.” With good grace, Elvis did give Mason his requested prize. “I am Zlatan” was already becoming a Harris catchphrase.
Driver Foran attempted to try and find Plemont Bay for a second time. After a couple of wrong turns the mini-bus eventually arrived at the required destination only to find that by now the tide had come in. After a quick change of plan, the mini-bus arrived in Greve de Lecq for another great sunny afternoon at the beach. Three hardy souls, Butcher, Mason and Collins braved the freezing water for all of 3 seconds, only for photographer Zlatan to insist on taking pictures of them behind a waterfall. The reward for the intrepid trio was having to get changed into warmer wear as quickly as possible while still on the beach. Wixey attempts to gain a suitable discount from the ice-cream seller but fails dismally and pays full price. Driver Foran is seen smirking in the background.
Butcher and Elliott resume their battle at dinner despite Sutherland wanting to see if Butcher likes everything dunked in water. Balkwill loses pace with Collins while Mason and Williams lose pace with everybody.
Diaries reveal Elliott has not just eaten everything put before him but has swallowed a thesaurus as well. Wixey has to sneak off and look up some of the words to mark his diary. Balkwill scares Wixey during room inspection with his Blofeld from James Bond impersonation.
Coaches Wixey and Harris consider their future but are given the dreaded vote of confidence by Vice Chairman / Server / Coach / Linesman Macdonald.
Wednesday
At breakfast, two dubious challenges are given out by coach Wixey. Weatherley is challenged not to whinge all day and Williams is given the task of being intelligent for a day. Surprisingly they accept.
Butcher and Elliott conspire to leave the latter’s boots behind. Sutherland volunteers to wear boots that are two sizes too big so all can play. Collins’ heels force him to miss most of the Thurrock match. Pinkney injures his shoulder but refuses to come off because once his dad played on with a broken arm. Also because there were no substitutes left. A good second half follows an indifferent first half and the boys are defeated again. Sonia ‘Boots the Chemist’ Balkwill is seen delving into her supplies to come to the aid of the Newbury goalkeeper. Three ambulance men and two doctors wait in line for assistance.
Butcher is challenged not to fiddle with his cutlery for a whole meal time. Within five seconds he sits back dejected having lost the challenge but at least he is at the table on time. The ‘A’ Team arrive for lunch well after waiter Miguel has said the kitchen is closed. Coach Owen offers no apology for his lateness and begins ordering as he represents his city to the best of his ability.
The visit to Aqua Splash allows the boys to let off steam. Coach Zlatan does so more than most and is twice warned by the lifeguards. Some of the boys shake their heads in disapproval. The Williams family arrive telling Mission Impossible tales of how they have taken to sneaking about the hotel in order not to bump into Harry as he is unaware they are staying there. Almost immediately the family trait is upheld with former ‘B’ Team player Alfie being taken ill just sitting by the side of the pool. Butcher is lucky that it stops raining as he leaves the pool as he has forgotten his coat.
With appetites sharpened and Butcher’s insistence that Roast Lion is on the menu, all were keen to get to dinner only to be disappointed a few minutes later when Roast Loin of Pork is served. Williams tries to prove his intelligence by happily trotting off to ask the St Albans coach for a long weight. After being made to stand around for a couple of minutes he returns to say they do not have it anymore but can they have their chocolate teapot back please. After a few more fruitless requests Williams is put out of his misery by his laughing team mates. Many boys are seen standing around the dinner hall waiting for their long weight that evening. Williams gives up on gaining a point by being intelligent for a day and returns to losing loads of points by leaving half his food. Coach Wixey offers blue cheese to anybody to try and with no takers turns it into a challenge. Balkwill, Sallis and Collins go for the extra points. Only Collins refuses to give up and succeeds even though he has tears rolling down his face and he receives a very hard earned point. Surprisingly Weatherley wins his point for not whinging for a whole day. Sutherland did it for him.
Coaches Wixey and Harris spend a nice hour with the parents. Pinkney senior takes them into confidence and says that they should inspire the boys by telling them that he once played rugby with a broken arm - adding that he does not like to talk about it. Karen Pinkney adds that we should serve the boys with shots before the match. Coaches return full of sympathy for Pinkney Junior and are very worried for his future.
Coaches Wixey and Harris’s vote of confidence is withdrawn and replaced with a vote of no confidence. Vice Chairman / Server / Coach / Linesman Macdonald eyes promotion and a hike in status by adding B Team Director of Football to his ever-growing job description.
Thursday
The day starts in fine style with Coach Owen greeting yet another knock on his door with due consideration and understanding by shouting loudly. The chambermaid scurries away as Coach Owen represents his City to the best of his ability.
Elliott is challenged by Zlatan to wear his hair in a bun and with a little persuasion arrives at the ground sporting the hairstyle to the disbelief of his parents. Zlatan is pleased with his mini-me and awards him his point. Even though he doesn’t like to talk about it, Pinkney senior reminds the coaches that he once played with a broken arm. The new self-appointed Director of Football offers Coaches Wixey and Harris the advice of ‘Try and score a goal’. Taking this on board completely, the duo pick the most defensive formation possible and contemplate life after football. The team play well and restrict Jersey, the eventual top team to just four goals.
The Gloucester parents, siblings and players do what they do best after a game of football during a football festival...play rugby. Giving many the opportunity for all to show their skills and Pinkney Senior the chance to tell people he once played with a broken arm…but he doesn’t like to talk about it. Sarah Williams completes the match without being ill, completely destroying the hard earned reputation built up by her offspring.
A return to La Corbiere with the tide out this time gives the mountain goat another opportunity to lead his charges as they snake behind him across the rocks like the Pied Piper. Williams hangs from a rock scared to make the leap to terra firma as he is, in his words, “Too small”. Eventually he is talked into completing a death defying leap of at least 3 centimetres.
To celebrate their safe return, Driver Foran again looks for an ice cream van. Foran leaves the female seller no opportunity of escape as he drives the mini-bus right up to the window. She recognises him from previous years and immediately gives him discount in the hope of saving herself from another extended conversation. She is not successful and is visibly crestfallen when Foran leaves saying, “See you next year.” Wixey makes a note that Foran can buy all the ice-creams from now on in.
Butcher somehow manages to have another meal ruined by water being accidently spilt into his plate through no fault of his own. He is happier when Coach Wixey does not deduct any points. Williams tries to deceive by hiding broccoli under his fork and is deducted another point. Butcher receives a St Albans shirt complete with name and number on the back. Coaches Wixey, Harris and Owen attempt to negotiate the permanent transfer of Butcher and think they have succeeded with a full box of crisps offered, but at the last moment St Albans demand more to take him. A quick whip round leaves the coaches a few pounds short of the target and Butcher is forced to remain a Gloucester player.
Coaches Wixey and Harris finally offer their resignations. Vice Chairman / Server / Coach / Linesman / Director of Football Macdonald is to sleep on it and will let them know in the morning if he is to accept them.
Friday
Williams is ill before the match against St Albans gets underway. The remedy is administered and is successful. A packet of Skips crisps is now part of the medical staff’s list of vital items. Pinkney Senior tries to inspire by relating a secret to all of how he once played rugby with a broken arm. Pinkney Junior rolls his eyes and makes a mental note to look up the adoption process when he returns home. The game is another disappointing reverse. The boys are cheered up by the news they are now record breakers, having lost all their games without scoring.
The coaches’ pro-celebrity match has three Gloucester representatives, Uncle Fester Stalley, Elvis Basford and Zlatan Harris. Uncle Fester is first to make an impact with a shot destined for the corner flag when it hits an ageing defender too slow to get out of the way and deflects past the goalkeeper too lazy to dive and into the net. He wheels away arm raised shamelessly celebrating as if he meant it. Elvis gets in on the act and under no pressure at all plays a back pass to the ‘keeper that misses him completely and gifts a goal to the opposition. His team mates are very supportive and do not pass to him again. Meanwhile Zlatan makes a run forward and has to either take the corner or make the long run back to his defensive position. His corner hits the first man. He is coached vociferously from the sidelines by the Gloucester boys. His only second half contribution is to dive and give away a penalty. He is again coached vociferously from the sidelines by the Gloucester boys.
At lunch Zlatan is unable to decide between ice cream and gateaux. Fed up of waiting, an exasperated Miguel gives him both. He unsuccessfully tries the same trick for all the remaining meals.
The afternoon’s activities are to be decided by a vote. Aqua Splash is the runaway winner. Zlatan is fearful as he has no energy left to fight off 10 boys trying to drown him. He is distraught when he finds out the ‘A’ team have independently arrived at the same venue and he will now have 20 boys trying to drown him. Again Butcher forgets his coat. Zlatan survives but only just. He is only reprimanded once by the lifeguards this time. Sallis decides to try and change the water colour to red by banging his nose on a float.
Former coach Cook texts Zlatan to let him know that he and his new wife are cutting short their honeymoon and booking a flight to Jersey to take control of the situation on the field. As usual he is too late.
Captains Collins and Weatherley hastily write their ‘thank you’ speeches in readiness for the evenings Gala Dinner. They are actually a little disappointed to find out they have been tricked by Zlatan. Collins and Weatherley have both taken unassailable positions in their respective eating leagues with Butcher and Elliott tied for theirs. Collins, Butcher and Elliott are also tied for the overall prize. Both Butcher and Elliott are challenged to eat two of their main dislikes, tomatoes and mushrooms. A suggestion to revive the blue cheese challenge as a way of deciding is agreed. Butcher and Elliott bravely chew and quickly swallow a tiny ball of the cheese. Collins does not keep it down and is declared third overall. Butcher and Elliott fight on.
The GPSFA quiz part one reveals that Mason reads and memorises the programme from cover to cover and the rest have not even seen one.
Wixey and Harris are resigned to their fate and start to look on the positives of the situation. Wixey thinks of the money he will save, the holidays he’ll be able to have and the oodles of Saturday lie-ins he’ll enjoy. Harris looks forward to the money he can earn from photography on a Saturday and concentrate on ousting Hickey from his perch, but less so about having to grow up and act his age. Their meeting with Vice Chairman / Server / Coach / Linesman / Director of Football Macdonald does not go well and they are sentenced to 10 more years as B Team Coaches. Both are very disappointed and will appeal to the Real Chairman on their return.
Saturday
Breakfast finally sees the epic battle between Elliott and Butcher resolved. Butcher bites off more than he can chew and cannot finish his toast in the allotted time. Elliott wins on a technical knockout. Both have put their larger team mates to shame and eaten just about everything put before them.
After all are taken through what to pack and what not pack in hand luggage the frantic packing begins. This clearly demonstrates that very few boys were involved in the packing for the outbound journey. The methods on display are many and varied, ranging from filling as many of the pockets as possible, completely filling the holdall and then putting inside the case to just simply stuffing everything in and forcing the top shut. Butcher forgets some items and has to re-pack. Williams leaves a whole drawer full of T-shirts in situ.
Having hardly spent a penny the whole holiday, all are unleashed on the town. Shopkeepers rub their hands with glee as the race to spend their parents’ hard earned cash in the shortest amount of time begins. All parents lose.
There is a tearful farewell to Miguel at lunch with many man bumps and hugs taking place. Butcher is seen racing back into the restaurant until coach Wixey holds up the fudge that he had, true to form, left behind.
At the airport, driver Foran asks coach Owen if has handed over the final cheque to Pat Cullinane the event organiser. Owen searches his pockets, getting increasingly worried. Foran makes a very ageist remark as Owen continues to search frantically, eventually pulling out the cheque and proceeds to wave it in Foran’s face like a four-year old in front of all the other startled travellers…as he represents his city to the best of his ability. Butcher has forgotten about the items allowed in hand luggage and loses his toiletries. Coach Uncle Fester is questioned heavily by security after attempting to take scissors with him. The rest of the coaching staff offer much verbal support and demand an internal search and that he be taken away. Coach Harris helpfully offers to look after his wife and adopt his children. In the face of the abuse received the security guard waves him through.
As the tired but happy group land and leave Southampton airport another fantastic tour comes to an end. One full of fun, friendships, blue cheese, wind-ups, sun, Elvis songs, rain, hailstones, swimming, hairstyles, many challenges and hundreds of great memories.
Many thanks are due to all who made it possible, the many parents who were able to travel and especially the boys for immersing themselves in and adding to the traditions and rich history of the Jersey Festival.
Memories.
