The minibus fired into life and the cheers rang out with the parents providing the most of the volume. A few days without their loud offspring was not going to be denied them. The excitement and noise levels rose as we set off on our London Tour. All were obviously in the hunt for the loudest team member award.

Coach Lee forgot his camera and naturally the debate as to his real age began. As I smirked, for some unknown reason the debate turned to my age and I was congratulated on my millionth birthday and was I present during the Big Bang? Baddhity may not get much game time this tour.

At the services, the WH Smith’s manager approached Coach Lee. Lee’s heart dropped in readiness for the damming words. But no, he was very complimentary and had sought us out to say so. Apparently, the boys had been very polite and one or two had actually asked how he was. A great way to start the tour.

Coach Lee makes a playlist of the boys’ favourite songs. It takes a while as many choose songs marked as ‘explicit’. I am not asked for my choice as classic rock is deemed to be old man’s music. One quip about music when dinosaurs existed was heard. Baddhity may not get much game time this tour. The boom box blasted out tunes (youth talk for noise) that I had never heard or want to hear again.

Having arrived early at the Bexley ground and been fleeced of £5 to park, we took a nice stroll round the ground and disused golf course. A game of stone skimming in the deep puddles began. Ali proclaimed loudly “ Watch me, I’m good at this.” We all watched as he completely missed the puddle. Stokes is first to fall out of the battle to be crowned loudest tourist. He has been quiet for nearly four whole minutes.

Bexley dominated the first half of the match as the tourists were a little lacklustre. At the break the home side led by a single goal. The travelling army of supporter was doing his best to rally the masses but his cheerleading cries fell on deaf ears…they could not hear him back in Gloucester. Howard senior was all on his own but at least he could choose where to stand. Unfortunately, Howard junior had not read the script and went off injured in the first half. As usual he asks, “If I can go back on, can I go up front?” He does not like the response. The second half was a different story to the first and Gloucester were on the front foot for most of it as they sought an equaliser. A Savioli header brought parity only for Bexley to run through the centre of the pitch unopposed and fire in a late winner.

I win the room battle and get the room furthest away from the Glanville – Ali room. Coach Lee’s random selector having thrown up some frightening combinations. The words, quiet, keep it down and stop shouting are in evidence as the rooms are inhabited. Cries of ‘My shower doesn’t work’ and far more importantly ‘The telly’s not working’ are heard and resolved before the highly nutritional pizzas arrive. Dixon and Middlecote only stop eating when the pizzas go cold. A minute later they are both seen eating cold pizza. To gain a few moments of peace and quiet I give them a task of lining up in age order without talking. Watching them try and not talk is a funny experience, they are just incapable of doing so. Ali works out how to do it using fingers for the month but then does what he does best, whinges out loud, as others would rather talk into their hands or whisper loudly. Howard tries his hand at being funny and isn’t, again. Diary time sees a wonderful array of pyjamas, all sensible except for Glanville’s, who has obviously forgotten his and picked up a pink and white unicorn onesy by mistake. He bravely wears it as if he likes it. Howard forgets to be loud as he is too busy trying to be funny and is eliminated from the loudness competition. Sadler and Dixon are definitely still in. When marking the diaries and awarding the DREAM marks, Coach Lee and I feel we have entered the Twilight Zone, Sadler has completed a great diary, a perfect 10, and even more strangely, Glanville has the highest attitude mark. Room inspections go well. Middlecote is still pulling a funny face, Coach Lee thinks it could be him smiling.

Hodges is excited when he spots doughnuts at breakfast, he is crestfallen when Coach Lee informs him that they are bagels. Glanville orders a hard-boiled egg and sulks when his egg comes hard boiled. Hodges loses two more eating points, Dixon and Middlecote definitely don’t.

When vacating the rooms, Stokes cannot find his ‘trumps’ pack after an extensive search and says to Coach Lee “Call me blind” if you can find it. A few seconds later and upon pulling back the duvet Lee calls Stokes blind.

The excitement level rises as we approach the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Ali and Kelly are particularly excited but do not come close to the excitement that I am experiencing. As the magnificent structure looms large all are eagerly anticipating the stadium tour, even the supporters of that nearby club. Football stadia have come a long way in the last couple of decades and this one is right at the top of the pyramid. It is more like a 5-star hotel than a football ground. Ali was a little overwhelmed with the range of things he could buy and did what he does best, he whinged that he didn’t know what to buy. Baddhity refused to smile the whole way round and insisted on holding his other North London club wallet in view for every photo. At least he is quiet and subsequently is out of the loudness award. Sadler isn’t quiet and his other North London club echo shout is rewarded with a reprimand from an uptight steward. Once we had viewed the record number of records for a stadium, I began to calm down a bit. The rest just wanted feeding.

Once fed, thoughts turned to the game and the need to reverse the defeat we suffered at the hands of St Albans a few weeks previous.

We begin well and even though we are playing up the slope we are in the ascendency. Glanville, Dixon and Howard give us a three- one advantage at half-time in a tough encounter on a very heavy pitch. Kelly is tackling just about everyone and leaving many lying flat out in his wake. Neither Coach Lee or I dare to say anything to him for fear of being next. The second half is virtually all one traffic and we score a further six goals and concede just the one. A great second half display by all and there are three cracking goals from Baddhity, Kelly and Savioli, another header from Savioli and two goals from Hodges. Savioli has a brilliant game full of tenacity, energy, strong running, great delivery and goals, earning himself a very rare perfect match score of 10 (only the fifth we have ever given). Stokes hit a well-placed penalty but was denied his first goal of the season by the ‘keepers acrobatic save. Howard senior had many more friends to play with this time and Howard junior stays on the pitch much longer this time too. He again asks if he can go back on up front and again does not like the reply.

As we leave everyone is asked to check they have all their possessions. Kelly turns to run back into the changing rooms in search of his rucksack but then realises it is on his back!

The exertions of the day begin to take their toll and Kelly falls below the average noise level and is out of the loudest person competition. Middlecote has replaced noise with the smiling thing and is also out.

Unbelievably Dixon follows soon after and is so tired that he evens forgets to answer back. It takes a while to check into the new hotel and means there is no time for an evening activity, just leaving enough time for a meal. Coach Lee spends 50 mins trying to find a restaurant that will take 13 hungry people. Sadler and Glanville spend the time playing Murder in the dark. Once told to stop it, they play Murder in the light and wonder why they have been told off as they did stop playing Murder in the dark. Glanville and Sadler will not win the attitude prizes this time. Hodges very nearly listened to an instruction to be ready in 50 mins to go out for food but he fell at the final hurdle, when asked to repeat the instruction his reply was What instruction? But at least he and room partner Baddhity were talking at normal volume levels. Hodges is out of the competition. Ali’s whinging is now barely audible and is out of the competition. The room of three, Kelly, Stokes and Savioli are very quiet and are left alone. Savioli is out of the competion. The two remaining candidates for the loudest person competition, Sadler and Glanville react very differently to being told off. Sadler is still loud but in a controlled way and Glanville starts sulking and then sulks some more. All the time being quite quiet. Therefore, Sadler takes the crown, is told off and deducted yet another attitude point. Having won he is fine from then on in. Finally, Coach Lee has found a restaurant, a favourite of his and it’s close by. All are summoned from their rooms, Stokes, Kelly and Savioli appear fully dressed and ready for an evening out…in their pyjamas. Fingers are pointed directly at Savioli. Coach Lee and I just shake our heads.

Five minutes later we arrive at Coach Lee’s favourite restaurant. McDonalds is enjoyed by all. Judging by how much he ate, Smiling Middlecote enjoyed it the most.

My next challenge for the boys is a game of helium straws. In groups of three or four all they have to do is lower the long straw to the floor with each touching the straw with one finger underneath. They cannot understand why the straw always seems to rise. Nobody does it legally but all give it a good go. Diaries are completed in silence and the result is one of the best overall set of marks. Howard has obviously focused on his diary rather than trying to be funny and is rewarded with a score of 10 as is Savioli who has capped a fine day with three top scores, match, diary and eating.

Hodges misjudges the size of his belly again and is deducted eating marks at breakfast. Baddhity leaves two tiny pieces of bacon that he could have just swallowed straight down but he refuses and loses a mark. The now seasoned travellers look after themselves well, are talking at a respectful level and are a credit to the GPSFA and their parents.

At Woking I am greeted nicely by that lovely girls’ team, with yells of ‘Hi granny driver’ and other such insults. No matter how loud the boys are I would not swap them for a season with the horrible, cruel girls.

The game was a one-sided affair but yet again it took until the second half for the tourists to turn their dominance into goals. Savioli completed a hat-trick of headers on tour and came out as the tour’s top scorer with 5, adding a brace here. Howard does not ask to go upfront and in the second half is put up front and adds another goal to his one from midfield. Dixon also grabbed a double, while Hodges, Kelly and Baddhity all scored to complete a 1-9 victory. Strangely, it was defenders Ali and Stokes who were the pick of the bunch on this occassion.

Coach Lee celebrated the win by spinning Baddhity upside down only to have the young man release wind right into his face. Coach Lee will never try that again…until the next time.

The journey back home was a rather muted affair, Dixon was staying in London with his Dad, the boys and the coaches were tired and so it was left up to the boom box to make the noise. At the services, Stokes, Sadler and Baddhity all did their best to waste their parents hard earned cash by buying neck cushions rather than hand any money back.

A good tour that saw us fully complete the M25 Orbital, visit the best stadium in the world and win two out of three games, scoring nineteen goals, conceding just five.

Jersey awaits.

Touring party,

Bobby ‘Loudmouth’ Sadler

Jaicob ‘Blindman’ Stokes

Harrison ‘Smiler’ Middlecote

Spencer ‘Hatchetman’ Kelly

Easah ‘The Whinge’ Ali

Harley ‘The Goldfish’ Hodges

Enrico ‘Pyjama Party’ Savioli

Jonathan ‘The farter’ Baddhity

George’ The Sulk’ Glanville

Josh ‘Up Front’ Howard

Alvin ‘The Beast’ Dixon

Lee ‘McDonalds’ Harris

Paul ‘Dinosaur’ Wixey