Saturday

Owen, Wilson, Foran and his grandson Romeo looked resplendent in their matching school uniforms. Rebels Wixey and Harris had decided to go for a more relaxed and stylish look much to the disgust of the class of ’58 or whatever year their fashion sense was from. Noses were looked down and mutterings of lowering of standards could be heard. The intrepid duo were not bothered in the slightest and exuded confidence while the class of ’58 were busy adjusting their too tight ties.

As the touring party grew in a huddle around the coach a vision appeared, a vision of sartorial elegance, swept back hair, sunglasses and a superstar smile. Glanville had arrived. Savioli’s arrival was a little more understated as he went for the Arctic look, sporting a huge parka with hood up and as many clothes as he could possibly put on. Dixon set his self-reliance standards right from the start, he had forgotten to pack his sliders.

Collecting in the wallets for safety and the Wixey-Harris holiday fund, it became apparent that this was the richest group of parents ever. All gave the maximum amounts to their offspring as well as some sneaky extra pocket money, just for the journey of course.

With all kisses and hugs planted and wrapped, the touring party begin their hugely anticipated journey to the island of Jersey. Folley lets all vehicles within 100 meters know that ‘We’re from Gloucester’ again and again. Mutterings of lowering of standards could be heard from the class of ’58. Folley just carried on regardless, only louder. Harris informs Wixey that his ankle is a little sore and puffy following his football match the night before. Wixey resists the temptation to say ‘So is the rest of you’ and says nothing.

Hodges fails the walk-through scanner, he then fails the full body scanner, his shoes fail the shoe scanner and he has to wait stood in his socks and a little bemused while his shoes are x-rayed again. Once it is determined that he is more of a threat to himself than national security he is allowed to re-join the group.

As the small plane coughs into life, Ali begins to feel a little apprehensive, when only one propeller starts up, he begins to feel a little scared. When kind Harris re-assures him by telling him we will have to fly on an angle, he begins to be a lot scared. When the second propeller starts up, he reverts back to being a little scared. He survives and fifty minutes later all survive and we land without any injuries including Howard who has completed a whole morning without the need of first aid.

We are greeted in Jersey by the festival organiser Pat Cullinane whose welcoming sentence included the warning that under no circumstances is Owen allowed to drive the new minibus. Cook Foran, now driver Foran, is handed the sparkling new keys instead. Owen gets the other set. Pat’s smile shows there is nothing wrong with his memory even though he is in his eighties.

At the hotel, we go straight into lunch. Everybody devours their meal and no points are deducted. Caveman Baddhity is reminded to use a knife and fork. “Why would I do that?” is his surprising reply.

Don’t get wet was the instruction as the tourists reached Gorey beach. Dixon is immediately wet. Obviously, it was Kelly’s fault as he forced Dixon to run into the sea. A sea, which according to the self- proclaimed brainbox Howard, is the Mediterranean. Ali is warned that he is going too far out. His quick and very defensive retort surprised the coaching staff, “It’s not me”. Quite who it was nobody is sure. Harris asks him a little while later “What are you going to dry yourself with?”. “Water” was his second incredulous reply of the afternoon. It might be a long week.

A group assembles by a rock pool and all are fascinated by whatever Sadler was pointing at with his stick. It later transpired that it was dead crab. Others reveal that it was not actually dead. Sadler conceded that it did move as he poked it but it was dead afterwards but he definitely did not kill it. Wixey and Harris hold their heads in their hands as the first afternoon has revealed they have a non-intelligent intelligent person, a person who blames others for everything, a person who thinks he is somebody else and you can dry yourself with water and now a crab killer who definitely did not kill it in their charge. It might be a long week.

Back at the Neptune Hotel, Owen is delighted to hear that his beloved Gloucester City have won. Kelly goes to fist bump him and is left hanging as the coach from the class of ’58 does not understand the new- fangled way of interacting. Kelly is crestfallen and embarks on a mission to gain as many fist bumps as he can. Owen carries on oblivious. Harris informs Wixey that his ankle is a little sore and puffy, again Wixey resists the temptation to say ‘So is the rest of you’.

Prawns in the salad see a raft of points dropped in the eating stakes. Middlecote, Ali and Stokes take an early advantage. The early start and the excitement of the day takes its toll and diaries is quickly followed by sleep.

Sunday

Sunlight causes Ali and Dixon to recoil in horror as if they are vampires when the curtains are drawn back in the morning. The smelliest room contains Glanville and Middlecote. Glanville is quite proud of the fact. The Arsenal room of Baddhity and Sadler began abusing the very nice Tottenham supporting coach Wixey. Baddhity calling him ‘Gramps’ a name that stuck the whole week. Wixey thinks it might be a long week.

Savioli reveals his very strange diet at breakfast of dry cereals including, worst of all, dry Weetabix.

After breakfast, the team are introduced to the two teddies Kong and Karen, named by the boys, who will be ‘won’ for those special moments. One for good and one for the more stupid things that are said and done. They have to be loved and cared for all day and must never be left behind. Howard wins Kong for being very nice and funny and the crab killer who definitely did not kill it gets the other one.

Howard is asked to carry the first aid kit and realises why when others start laughing, somebody has mischievously added ‘Property of Josh Sicknote Howard’. He is not amused.

Game 1 v St Pauls. Lost 7-3

The under 12 side used their superior physicality to good effect and raced into a three-goal lead. Gloucester then began to stand up to the challenge and were the better team for a while, scoring three goals themselves through Baddhity, Stokes and Dixon. Stokes’ goal was greeted with a great roar from all as it was his first of the season and a great strike. Unfortunately, local side St Pauls re-gained the upper hand and scored four more to secure the win. The tourists had given them one of the hardest games of the week until their final game.

St Ouen’s bay is sunny and reasonably warm. It follows that the sea would be warm as well. Judging by the shrieks from the first two in, Kelly and Middlecote the coaches had unfortunately got it wrong; it was freezing. They were so sorry and nearly stopped laughing to say so. All eventually braved the cold temperature except wimps Glanville and Howard… and the coaches. The obligatory beach football game was an exercise in who could cheat the best. Middlecote had to suffer the indignity of wearing a towel everywhere as he had forgotten to pack a change of shorts. His parents will be so disappointed to learn he has done this as they would never forget to pack a pair. Harris showed Hodges how to tie his shoe laces and challenged him to know how to do it by the end of the week.

That very nice man Foran, who was enjoying a day off serving up food at Longlevens, served up everyone with an ice-cream and was instantly the favourite grown-up in the party. The Watersplash bar allowed the group to watch the Man City – Liverpool game on the big screen. The boys delighted in letting Liverpool fan Harris know when Man City had scored, even running into the toilets to make sure he knew at the earliest opportunity. Kelly was doing well with his fist-bump quest apart from the coaches who continued to follow Owen’s lead and left him hanging every time.

At dinner, the self-proclaimed intelligent one, Howard, demonstrated his high intellect by eating his soup with a fork. Middlecote devoured everything in sight including a spare pudding.

Diaries were completed in near silence except for Dixon’s attempt to clear the hallway with his own special sound and following aroma. Harris informs Wixey that his ankle is a little sore and puffy, again Wixey resists the temptation to say ‘So is the rest of you’

Monday

Savioli was awoken by pillow beating, Glanville and Middlecote by fresh air, the vampire room by daylight and Wixey received his customary abuse from Baddhity and the crab killer. Baddhity has bad bed-hair which he attempts to cure by patting it down with his hand and wonders why it doesn’t work.

Ali showed that he aspires to having servants one day and gets Sadler to spread the jam on his toast for him. When trying to guess middle names, the self-proclaimed intelligent one revealed he hates being called Joshua and his middle name is Lee. He cannot understand why he is called Joshua Susan Lee for the rest of the day. He is not amused.

Stokes receives Kong for his first GPSFA goal and Middlecote gets Karen for forgetting his shorts, something his parents would never do.

Game 2 v Hackney. Won 3-0

A great win where everyone played well. Middlecote made a brilliant last man sliding tackle to save a certain goal with the game still at 0-0. Sadler saved well with his feet before goals from Kelly and two from Dixon gave the yellows a deserved victory. Hodges received a bang on the head and was withdrawn as a precaution but Howard broke his own record of not receiving any treatment for two whole games now.

The walk to Aquasplash was fairly uneventful, well it was for Wixey, who spent the entire time trying to chivvy up Kelly who was complaining that a snail kept tripping him up. At the front of the line, Harris kept walking faster to try and escape Ali who had rediscovered whinging. By the end of the ten minute walk, binoculars were needed to see the two ends.

Wixey pays for Aquasplash and was instantly the favourite grown-up in the party. Wixey and Foran enjoy their first restful period of the tour while Harris bravely dons his costume and gets in with the boys. Dixon gets cramp and screams out with his leg held high on the sidewall. Harris tries to help and laugh at the same time. The lifeguards cannot work out what’s going on and so do nothing. Watching Harris be sympathetic while laughing is a funny sight. Dixon survives. All have fun but one of the slides is very slightly out of line and a join causes marks on those who are slightly plump. Romeo and Harris leave the pool with marks all down their backs. Hodges is really happy and excited as he has tied his own laces for the first time.

The snail and the whinger again cause the line to elongate on the return walk.

Wixey introduces a game of 20 questions at the dinner table. This usually involves finding out how a person or persons died. To achieve this, intelligent questions need to asked to narrow down the causes and reasons for the given scenario. Surprisingly the best questions come from Hodges and the scenario is solved. Wixey requests a DNA test for Hodges but then remembers he had suffered a bang on the head that morning. He had also tied his own laces for the first time earlier. The saying about knocking sense into a person just may be true.

Everybody is deducted a point for leaving their trunks and towels in their bags. Dixon falls asleep during room inspection for the second night running. Both times he has his arms in really awkward positions.

Tuesday

As the Howard- Savioli room is entered, Howard is sat up in bed with a pillow over his arms and without speaking presents it Harris to wake Savioli up with. Hodges receives Kong for his sudden rise to the intelligentsia and Dixon gains Karen for his animated display while having cramp. Harris sympathetically laughs again. Middlecote senior is awarded a virtual Karen as he follows his son and forgets a change of shorts when he goes swimming. Mrs Middlecote is awarded a virtual Kong for putting up with the pair of them.

Game 3 v St Albans B. Lost 2-0

There were no highlights!

Dixon has become friends with the Hackney coaching staff. They turn down the offer of a transfer as they do not have two packets of crisps available.

The weather dictates that inside activities are the order of the day. The games arcade and ten-pin bowling are chosen. This group are the most sensible in terms of spending money in the arcade. The limit was not really needed. They are also the best at sticking to an activity and are the first group to ever complete two whole games of ten-pin without losing any focus. Dixon set the tone by scoring a strike with the very first ball. Romeo top scores with an incredible 147. One of Baddhity’s bowls is so slow the rig resets itself before the ball reaches the end. Kelly is slow and awful and sometimes even worse than that.

The monster Middlecote eats two main dinners and is still so hungry that he buys a packet of pancakes and chocolates in the shop. The class of ’58 has a new member, Coach Stalley has arrived and he maintains the standards expected by the other elderly gentlemen. Mutterings of lowering of standards could be heard as the B-team coaches pass by.

Everyone has an early night on the traditional down day. Roll on Wednesday.

Wednesday

Romeo wins Kong for his bowling prowess. Kelly does not. He gets Karen for his abilities on the alley. A good sign is that Savioli is back to bouncing in his seat at breakfast. All seem to have a little more energy as we travel to the FB Fields. Harris informs Wixey that his ankle is a little better, Wixey is relieved as he is struggling to resist the temptation to say ‘So is the rest of you’.

The newly intelligent Hodges tells Coach Harris that he cannot find his shoe-horn to get his boots on. Harris tells him to look harder. Hodges then tells Coach Wixey that he cannot find his shoe-horn. He tells him to go through his bag again. Hodges then complains to anybody that will listen that he cannot find his shoe-horn, he is told go through his bag again. Wixey asks why hasn’t he got his boots on yet? Hodges replies that he cannot find his shoe-horn. He is told to get his boots and we will get them on without a shoe-horn. I’ve left my boots behind is the newly unintelligent Hodges reply. Wixey and Harris both think it is a long week. Hanlon of the A-Team saves the day and lends him his boots.

Game 4 v St Albans A. Lost 1-0

All perform really well and battle all the way. Everybody works hard and they never give up against a good A-Team in stark contrast to yesterday’s game against their B-Team. A draw would have been a fair and deserved result.

To save energy the boys play an AvB game. Luckily Harris decides to do a photo shoot with all of the travelling support, where posing with family is compulsory and so the game is cut short.

As we travelled to La Corbiere, Harris is in a very good mood and as we slow to a stop at traffic lights, he suddenly shouts out very loudly a song “I’m so in love with you” The lady in the car next to him and another lady walking by jump out of their skins. He had forgotten his window was wound down. A red -faced Harris apologises and is relieved when the lights change. Wixey is laughing hard and very glad that it has also stopped him singing.

La Corbiere is Harris’ favourite Jersey place. He loves bounding over the rocks towards the lighthouse, with a line of boys following closely, sitting down on the edge of a high rock, having a little chat while gazing out to sea and then bounding back again. Most of the time with the same number of boys following behind. Unfortunately, the tide was in a fair way and the mountain goat could only cover about a quarter of the rocks he would normally do. A nervous Dixon sat out the first part and talked to Wixey about how he became a coach and how he would like to do it someday. As soon as he saw the others returning for the second part of the rock climb, he ran to join them, his nervousness completely gone and was definitely nothing to do with having to have to spend another fifteen minutes talking to Wixey. Harris pays for ice-creams and was instantly the favourite grown-up in the party.

The challenge of jumping into the hotel’s outside pool was accepted by the boys. When they realised how cold it was going to be, a few backed out, when the time came to all jump in at the same time a few more took a step back. Middlecote, Glanville, Ali and Romeo were the brave ones left. After a few countdowns the heroic foursome went for it. According to the shrieks, it was freezing cold. All were out very quickly and shivering into their towels. Seeing them survive, Sadler gained some courage and jumped in, in a single motion he touched the bottom and jumped straight out again. Howard and Baddhity followed soon after. Eventually Hodges, Dixon and Stokes jumped in as well. All the valiant young men survived the ordeal. Wixey was relieved as did not want to have to go in to help anyone, Harris was relieved as he had signed the waivers the hotel had insisted upon.

The dinner tables had two completely different experiences that evening. One with Wixey enjoying teasing his ensemble with more 20-question scenarios while Harris is having to answer some awkward questions regarding the meaning of LGBT+. Harris did his best but was floored by a question of “What does pansexual mean” the newly unintelligent Hodges helped him out by telling everyone, complete with a straight face, that it was “People who are sexually attracted to pans”. He carries on eating without even a flicker of a smile while Harris is in bits and in danger of a heart attack he is laughing so much. Composure does not return to the high blood pressure induced red-faced coach for…ever.

After the low of Tuesday, the day was easily the best of the week so far. It was also a day of languages. Baddhity teaching Harris some Polish, nobody is completely sure whether he had taught him sensible phrases or lines that would get him into trouble. While Savioli had a great conversation with the hotel owner in fluent Italian. It was great to witness and put the rest of us to shame for only being able to say the odd word in a foreign language.

Thursday

Kong went to Baddhity for his language tuition and Karen was given to Ali, who had rediscovered the art form of whinging. He whinged that he does not whinge and then whinged some more that he doesn’t deserve Karen as he does not whinge. The irony of his reaction was not lost on his team mates but was completely absent to the King of the Whinge.

Game 5 v Newbury A. Lost 3-2.

A close game that was eminently winnable. As with game early in the season, Gloucester were punished for their mistakes they made in defence while also being unable to capitalise on their scoring opportunities to put the game beyond their Berkshire opponents. Dixon and Savioli scored the goals for the yellows.

The news that we were to go to Aquasplash again that afternoon was celebrated more than either of the goals that had been scored that morning. The chance to spend their parents hard earned cash on the way as they traipse through town was also a popular decision. Decisions as to whether to buy parents a nice thank you gift or spend the money on themselves were taken in the blink of eye. Hopefully the parents would not be too disappointed. Stokes came up with an alternative option and decided to donate his money to the locals. Leaving his envelope with his cash in somewhere in the town. He and Wixey retraced his steps. Calling into ‘Blacks’, the shop lady kindly asked around and then casually said “ Now, I was talking to Alvin here so we should look around here first” Wixey took a sharp intake of breath wondering how she had come to know his name, before relaxing and smiling when she told him of the very nice and polite conversation she had had with him and a few boys. An extra bonus point was awarded to Dixon that evening. Wixey and Stokes continue their search for the missing money. The very first shop he had visited, Waterstones, had found such an envelope and the money was still inside. With thank-you’s given and lesson learnt, Stokes and Wixey catch up with the rest of the group. Later, the latest member of the class of ’58 tells of a very nice conversation he had had with a lady in Blacks. Apparently, she was a little upset that one boy had lost his money and had asked Stalley to pass on £5 for the poor lad and then apologised that she did not have more. Stalley reassured her that he would not go short, thanked her and politely declined her extremely kind offer. A lovely heart-warming story.

Aquasplash, this time with the A-Team, was once again enjoyed by all. That nice man Foran paid and was instantly the favourite grown-up in the party. Harris appears changed but seems to have left his white T-shirt on. Closer inspection reveals that it is actually his body with sun-burnt arms. Wixey and Foran enjoy some peace and quiet. Owen takes it one stage further and keeps nodding off and waking up starled. That nice man Foran does what all nice people would do… and films him to put on Twitter. It goes viral. Owen is not amused.

Dixon tries to have a party in his room before dinner but makes a silly mistake…he is caught. His and his co-conspirators would be punished later. The self-proclaimed intelligent one, Howard, comes close to his first injury of the tour when he squeezes a lemon and it goes straight into his eye. More 20-question teasers are played but thankfully Harris does not get asked any more awkward questions.

The punishment for the party that never was has been agreed. All have to sing a nursery rhyme in front of everyone else. Wixey just happens to have print-outs. Dixon, the instigator goes first with Hickory Dickory Dock. The embarrassed party thrower gives it all he’s got and does well. Room-mate Ali is incapable of doing the actions to I’m a little teapot without help, Sadler draws the longest song, London’s Burning’ while Hodges version of Jack and Jill was very…forgettable. Glanville puts a lot of effort and for some reason, actions into his rendition of Mary Had a Little Lamb and Middlecote brings proceedings to a close with a Sing a Song a Sixpence, actually getting some of the words correct.

Friday

A fire alarm at just gone six in the morning wakes everybody early. Apparently, a minibus was blocking in a car and so everyone has to suffer. At least it is not a real fire and everyone returns to their rooms and struggles to get back to sleep. Dixon sleeps soundly.

Foran does his best to wake everybody up by wearing a top that makes him look like a giant bumble bee. He has been trying all week to extricate himself from the class of ’58 but goes a little too far with this top.

Match 6 v Jersey Lost 4-3

For the third time in the week, Gloucester lose a game that was very winnable. After gaining a three goal advantage through two Kelly goals and another through a combination of Baddhity and Ali, the tourists

declare and allow the hosts to get a foot-hold into the game and with their tails up complete an unlikely but great turnaround. The linesman greeted the decisive goal with complete impartiality, throwing his flag high up into the air and running onto the pitch shouting “That’s my boy”.

At the following award ceremony, Bob Owen is deservedly honoured for attending an incredible 30 Jersey festivals. The boys proudly sing his name as he goes up to receive his award from Pat Cullinane, organiser of every one of the 46 festivals to date. Bringing together two of the ‘greats’ of primary school football who thoroughly deserved the rapturous reception they received.

For the final afternoon, Greve de Lecq is the chosen destination, lovely beach and crucially for Foran will have a couple of Jersey Royal potato farms on the way. As the north of the island is neared, thick fog engulfs the minibus and it is forced to turn back towards the west coast, via the farm shop of course. St Ouen is reached again and after yet another dip in the sea, a third visit to the same ice-cream lady is made. This time curtesy of generous Ryan Sadler, he was instantly the favourite grown-up not in the group. The ice-cream lady wished us a safe journey back and hoped we come back next year. No wonder, as over the past seven years the team must have paid enough to put her children through university.

Savioli packs his bags, slowly, methodically, rolled perfectly and following his pre-prepared checklist. Others follow their list of, mess around, shove some things in, mess around, shove some more things in, eat sweets, watch telly and shove some more things in when told to hurry up by the coaches.

Ali and Middlecote complete a whole week of eating everything they had put on their plate. A great achievement. Middlecote cements his place as king of the eaters by yet again eating a second main course. Waiter Sergio is presented with a couple of gifts for all his hard work and patience during the week.

Diaries are completed swiftly so all can get their heads down in advance of the very early 5am start. Dixon takes this to heart and falls asleep while writing his diary. He is woken, carries on writing and then falls asleep mid-word. The Sleeping Beauty finally finishes the sentence and is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Kelly gains a few more fist-bumps and he is up to about million for the week. Not one of them from Owen. The last room inspection gives victory to the Glanville – Middlecote combo’. Parents please note; their room was virtually perfect all week and there is no reason they cannot continue this back home. Howard is the Attitude champion, while Dixon, Ali and Sadler tie for the Match award. Sadler walks away with the Diary award as he does the overall top tourist honour.

Saturday

The early morning rising goes very well. Savioli does not need Harris to beat him with a pillow and even Dixon gets up straightaway. Baddhity has really bad bed-hair and yet again he tries and fails with the patting it down with his palm method. He still manages to abuse Wixey with yet another Gramps line.

All of the adults suffer the indignity of further scans and searches at the airport. Baddhity loses his well buried bottle of water, protesting his innocence. Wixey is not happy when they eventually let the very bad bed-hair lad through customs. That very nice Foran and Romeo hold up the plane stating that customs held them. They do this while holding six packets of Jersey fudge that they definitely did not just buy from Duty Free.

All are in reflective mood as the plane takes off. Stokes probably remembering his goal, Glanville about tidying his room back home, Ali about not being scared on plane anymore, Howard on a first aid free week, Harley remembering being intelligent for a day, Baddhity wondering where bed-hair comes from, Kelly working on plan to get rid of that pesky snail, Savioli wondering why he now hates pillows, Dixon thinking of his next sleep, Harrison thinking of his next meal and Saddler wondering where he can get hold of some crabs. The class of ’58 are probably thinking of how standards have slipped since the B-Team crew first invaded Jersey. Harris and Wixey are remembering what not feeling tired used to feel like.

Jersey 2022 is done.

Sleep.