Why were today’s matches switched to Newbury?

Despite our pitch having recovered remarkably well following its annihilation on 8th January, playing on the hallowed turf of GL2 at the moment during, or following, any period of prolonged rain will take it back to square ‘mud bath’ one. Newbury’s ground at Speenhamland has more grass on it than almost any other pitch in the south of England, so with every Saturday at Longlevens in March already booked in to stage home games, our opponents’ offer of a switch in venue was too exciting to turn down. ‘It’s a good job you moved those games,’ said The Chef down the phone on Sunday morning, ‘otherwise we wouldn’t have had a pitch for months.’ Vindication at last.

So, what happened during the game?

The first quarter saw us play really well, on the front foot and moving the ball quickly. Buckland was a constant threat down the right, besting his marker on numerous occasions, while Bennett was particularly active in central midfield. We had a few chances before Brother White gave us the lead with his first goal of the season, but lost the snap after that and allowed Newbury to come back into the game. They levelled from the spot after a push in the box was well spotted by the referee and only a good save from Folley prevented our hosts from taking the lead. After the break we were back in the ascendancy again, but just when it looked like we might have to settle for a share of the spoils, Manning planted his free kick into the far corner to give us all three points.

What do the Match Marks look like?

All good. Folley, on his twenty-seventh birthday, looked as assured as ever, while the back three are now looking like an established partnership. McLarney and Vaile both did well defensively, while also initiating offensive moves down the flanks and Hayes did what he’s done all season: defended properly with a minimum of fuss. Buckland was at his skippy, right-sided best and Manning, particularly from dead ball situations, looked dangerous throughout. The rotated central midfield of Bennett, Clifford and the fit-again Hanlon all contributed hugely, both in terms of pushing forward and defending deep when required. Up front, White was a constant threat with his strong, determined running and he led the line well throughout, while inking his first entry into the Stats Man’s ‘goals scored in 21/22’ column.

Who loses the most things in this team?

If crimes were as easy as this to solve, Conan Doyle would never have invented Sherlock Holmes. Buckland and Clifford are without doubt the main protagonists in this squad when it comes to leaving any number of personal items in or on changing

areas, mini buses, eating rooms, pitch side-lines, service stations or training venues. It’s neck and neck at the moment in the race for the highly-coveted ‘Archie Myatt Lost Things Award’, the only trophy in the world that absolutely nobody wants to win.

Where was Coach Wilson during the first half and why was he there?

Neither The Model nor The Clifford, during their time on the non-existent subs bench, had the faintest idea where CW had disappeared to. ‘Maybe he’s gone home,’ mused a passer-by. ‘Maybe he’s having a coffee in Waitrose,’ suggested someone else. ‘Did he get lost coming up the hill?’ offered a third. ‘The windscreen wipers on my glasses stopped working,’ comes the explanation from the horse’s mouth, ‘and I couldn’t see anything properly. After five minutes of watching the crowd instead of the game and wondering why people weren’t moving very quickly, I went for a wander and found a hole in the hedge down behind the far goal. With the privet growing over the top, it was as snug as an executive box at New Meadow Park and offered far more protection from the weather than trying to shelter under any number of ridiculous, multicoloured umbrellas.’ Enough said.

Was anyone celebrating yesterday?

Well, The Druid was certainly celebrating after notching his first goal of the season, while Buckland and Clifford were celebrating not leaving anything behind for the first time in the last six months – nothing that’s been identified yet, anyway. And King Leopold I of Longford was celebrating becoming another year older with fifteen squares of candled chocolate cake and a new glove bag with ‘LF1’ emblazoned on the side. In the photograph of King L with the team in the canteen, The Model can clearly be seen, sitting to the left of the throne, actively salivating at the prospect of eating the ‘B’ square of the cake’s celebratory message.

How is Tony Hickey 14 points clear at the top of the Coaches’ Super Six League?

What really happened aboard the Mary Celeste? Who actually shot JFK? How did prehistoric people move all those rocks to build Stonehenge? Where is the Groundsman? These are the some of the great unsolved mysteries of the modern and not-so-modern world and the current Super Six League positions provide yet more unexplained facts that are neither rational nor logical. If it were a table detailing ‘Money in the Bank’ or ‘Scams Perpetrated in Search of Economic Gain’, then there’d be no questions to be asked, but a Prediction League of football scores being topped by a bloke with a camera whose knowledge of the game doesn’t extend beyond the next pictorial sale is just too far-fetched in anyone’s book of mysterious happenings.

What’s the secret behind the team’s improved form of recent times?

There are no secrets at the CAFÉ. Controlling your Attitude, Focus and Effort gives you the perfect opportunity to be the best version of yourself that you can be, whether it

be playing football, doing your schoolwork or being well-mannered when your parents aren’t in attendance. You won’t always win and you won’t always get what you’d like to get, but you’ll give yourself the best chance possible to achieve any number of important things. Attitude will always be more important than ability as it’s the most transferable of aptitudes. Being able to execute a Cruyff turn or a triple scissors might look great, but they’re not exactly transferrable skills. And nor is a knowledge of calculus or the ability to quote Shakespeare, by the way. But having the best possible attitude, focus and effort will ensure that your Cruyff turns, triple scissors or ability to work out a whole series of mathematical infinitesimals are the absolute best they can be and you really can’t do any more than that.

What does our motto, ‘Carpe Diem’ really mean?

Literally, it translates as: ‘Seize the Day’. In practice, it means: ‘Make every moment count’. Going forward it means: ‘Buy yourself a new umbrella’. Because if you don’t, there may not be many days or even moments left.