Premier League 9-a-Sides by Vidal Sassoon
There are eleven different district teams gathered at the spanking new Royal Wootton Bassett Sports Ground, together with seven different hair styles modelled by the twelve members of the GPSFA ‘A’ Squad.
While the teams rank from really good to roughly average, the hair goes from stylish to not, from ‘My mum’s a hairdresser’ to ‘Okay, it was for a bet.’ No-one admits to visiting the same ‘stylist’ as the writer of this piece, but judging from the uniformity of several of the designs, five of them go there. I know this, because the place the author visits only does one style. Jamie Davis (2014/15) went there, Matt Gore (2015/16) went there and if the evidence on show is to be believed, at least five of the current squad go there.
Plymouth are first up in our Group B schedule and the Gloucester team match the Devonians, who finish the day as South West champions - a goalless draw being a good start to the day’s work.
Next up is North Somerset and Blackburn, sporting a perfectly arranged set of gelled follicles, drives home the only goal of our second game.
Poole & East Dorset, home of the Redknapps and other well-heeled residents take an early lead in game three before Wilkes, owner of a neatly parted top crosses for Blacker, second only to Blackburn in the hair stakes, to level. A Blacker cross is then turned into his own net by a Poole defender (via another Poole defender), with Smith (Southern League South & West division in terms of top sets) meekly claiming he’s got a ‘touch’ despite standing about fifteen yards away. 2-1.
Bath are next up, Blacker making an immediate impact after replacing 15-yard Smith and crossing for Hellenic League ‘My mum cuts mine’ Clifford to score. Doing their best to grab a draw from the jaws of victory, the team parts to allow Bath an equaliser before Liggett drives his mullet forward to net with a precision toe-poke into the far corner.
Game Five against Basingstoke sees the concession of two horrid goals from our point of view (great from theirs) and Blacker’s meticulously gelled consolation is just that. 1-2.
Swansea are eliminated from the other group and an end-of-day encounter with the team from the Gower sees Premier League Blacker, Championship Wilkes and Southern League Smith net in a 3-0 win. Pain au Chocolat Jones has a great opportunity to net his first of the season with two minutes remaining, lifting his effort no more than eight yards high, much to his personal distress and everyone else’s unparalleled glee. Thankfully his hair style is less wide of the mark. Mid-table Championship, give or take.
It’s been a good day and gets even better when news of the B Squad’s victory over Bexley comes through via a text from Coach Harris, who is clearly full of the joys of Spring. Things get immediately worse however when further reading of the text reveals that ‘I (he) done it’, an expression that causes everyone in the bus who knows anything about the (in)correct use of the past participle to immediately and very obviously cringe. It’s a low moment in the day and in the season as a whole, but at least the football’s been good, both in Royal Wootton Bassett and in Longlevens too. A shame about some of the toupees though.
Gloucester A (hairstyle marks): Moroney 8; Lawson 5, Blackburn 9.5, Mclean 5, Desmond 6; Chamberlain 7, Wilkes 8, Liggett 5, Pain au Chocolat 7.0, Blacker 9, 15-yard Smith 1.5, Shut-Eye Clifford 1.5. Coaches: 0.4 & 0.2 – you decide.
While the teams rank from really good to roughly average, the hair goes from stylish to not, from ‘My mum’s a hairdresser’ to ‘Okay, it was for a bet.’ No-one admits to visiting the same ‘stylist’ as the writer of this piece, but judging from the uniformity of several of the designs, five of them go there. I know this, because the place the author visits only does one style. Jamie Davis (2014/15) went there, Matt Gore (2015/16) went there and if the evidence on show is to be believed, at least five of the current squad go there.
Plymouth are first up in our Group B schedule and the Gloucester team match the Devonians, who finish the day as South West champions - a goalless draw being a good start to the day’s work.
Next up is North Somerset and Blackburn, sporting a perfectly arranged set of gelled follicles, drives home the only goal of our second game.
Poole & East Dorset, home of the Redknapps and other well-heeled residents take an early lead in game three before Wilkes, owner of a neatly parted top crosses for Blacker, second only to Blackburn in the hair stakes, to level. A Blacker cross is then turned into his own net by a Poole defender (via another Poole defender), with Smith (Southern League South & West division in terms of top sets) meekly claiming he’s got a ‘touch’ despite standing about fifteen yards away. 2-1.
Bath are next up, Blacker making an immediate impact after replacing 15-yard Smith and crossing for Hellenic League ‘My mum cuts mine’ Clifford to score. Doing their best to grab a draw from the jaws of victory, the team parts to allow Bath an equaliser before Liggett drives his mullet forward to net with a precision toe-poke into the far corner.
Game Five against Basingstoke sees the concession of two horrid goals from our point of view (great from theirs) and Blacker’s meticulously gelled consolation is just that. 1-2.
Swansea are eliminated from the other group and an end-of-day encounter with the team from the Gower sees Premier League Blacker, Championship Wilkes and Southern League Smith net in a 3-0 win. Pain au Chocolat Jones has a great opportunity to net his first of the season with two minutes remaining, lifting his effort no more than eight yards high, much to his personal distress and everyone else’s unparalleled glee. Thankfully his hair style is less wide of the mark. Mid-table Championship, give or take.
It’s been a good day and gets even better when news of the B Squad’s victory over Bexley comes through via a text from Coach Harris, who is clearly full of the joys of Spring. Things get immediately worse however when further reading of the text reveals that ‘I (he) done it’, an expression that causes everyone in the bus who knows anything about the (in)correct use of the past participle to immediately and very obviously cringe. It’s a low moment in the day and in the season as a whole, but at least the football’s been good, both in Royal Wootton Bassett and in Longlevens too. A shame about some of the toupees though.
Gloucester A (hairstyle marks): Moroney 8; Lawson 5, Blackburn 9.5, Mclean 5, Desmond 6; Chamberlain 7, Wilkes 8, Liggett 5, Pain au Chocolat 7.0, Blacker 9, 15-yard Smith 1.5, Shut-Eye Clifford 1.5. Coaches: 0.4 & 0.2 – you decide.
