Half Term Hertfordshire Tour – How The Players Fared
Harvey Moroney
Almost achieved a perfect Tom O’Connor in the 7-a-sides at Reading. Three fine saves, two swallow dives and one attempted clearance that went virtually straight up. Only the partridge and the pear tree were missing. Made some fine second half stops in the win over St Albans and celebrated by silently devouring a huge sausage & chip supper. Horrendous ten-pin bowler, for whom having the alley sides up makes no difference whatsoever.
Jamie Lawson
Extremely pleasant individual and hugely popular with his team mates until the expulsion of an unhealthy amount of methane in the mini bus on Saturday morning. The ensuing opening of as many windows as possible meant possible death by poisoning was replaced by possible death from hypothermia. Used his big toe to good effect at St Albans to deny the hosts a late leveller. Loves a good header and always seems to get there first, unlike his timekeeping which bears a worrying likeness to Harvey Clifford’s.
Finn Lynam
Squire of Painswick who smiles, laughs, cavorts and jokes his way through the day until he talks to his parents. Then he doesn’t. Likes writing and loves semi colons, fronted adverbials, modal verbs and relative clauses, but not a clue when it comes to full stops and capital letters. Heading improving and now up to fourth in the overall standings; hairstyle not quite as good however and looked very much like a 1960s film star extra at breakfast on Saturday morning. Desmond take note – this is not a compliment.
Corey Blackburn
Latest product off the famous Blackburn footballing production line and this season’s Mr Traditional. Bacon & egg. Cup a’ tea. Fish & chips. Pie & peas. If Carlsberg did black & white tellies he’d be first in the queue. No Pain au Chocolat or duck a l’orange here – it’s steak & chips and make it rump. Blamed horrific room mark on his pal Seb, and was probably right. Hairstyle remains top-notch, due largely to both excessive use of gel and not heading the ball in equal measure.
Callum Mclean
Ronseal – as the advert says, ‘Does what it says on the tin’. Made several technical errors at St Albans but was still terrific, with three big tackles in the last few minutes. Hasn’t yet discovered fear, indecisiveness or pain and plays like it every time he crosses the white line. Off the pitch, is at the heart of most things that shout, howl or scream, but was never there, never involved or more likely both. Loves sleeping as he knows he can’t be blamed outright until regaining consciousness.
Seb Jones
Lived up to his culinary nom du plume from the word go by ordering fresh fruit salad at Beaconsfield when most other people were scoffing bacon butties. Horrified at the first Holiday Inn breakfast when finding the viennoiserie tray empty, but perked up when the new batch of pastries arrived and promptly ate four. Two excellent match performances which surprised no-one, but heading the ball forwards shocked everybody, a feat that even made the back page of the St Albans Evening Standard. Has a surprisingly poor aim, considering he uses the loo about 40 times a day. Target practice urgently required.
Jacob Chamberlain
A man with more mini bus questions than Harvey Moroney’s eaten sausages. ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. How long till we get there?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. Are we going to the services?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. How long now?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. What’s for dinner?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. When we getting to the hotel?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. Can I go to the toilet?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. How many miles left?’ ‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. Are we nearly there yet?’ ‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul........’ ‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul........’ Mobile midfielder who, like the entire Longlevens’ contingent, thinks it’s easier to head the ball forwards while looking the other way.
Charlie Wilkes
Likes KFC, because bones show it was alive once. Was doing well in the hairstyle stakes until the pre-tour cut dispensed with forty per cent of his carefully parted follicles. Will be rivalling Coach Stalley’s bouffant if the trend continues. Great pass at St Albans which, if Boris’s shot had gone in instead of hitting the post, would have been remembered for years to come. Bright, interested and well mannered – a good combination in anyone’s book.
Harvey Clifford
Probably not as perfect as he makes out and spent too much time trying to steal Ronseal’s wallet. Shouldn’t have bothered, because Ronseal would have dropped it and lost it soon enough. Horrified with his 1.5 hair mark at RWB, so spent hours being styled the day before the London tour began. Said it was restyled, but this was obviously a lie; it had clearly never been considered before. Contributed two fine assists at Hackney and gained impressive DREAM marks across the board which suggests he could be a tour de force in Jersey. Timekeeping has improved, but still only one place above bottom spot with only LML (Last Man Lawson) standing between him and the wooden spatula.
Brandon Liggett
The only player in GPSFA history to mix commentary with punditry while actually playing, so seems well set up for ‘life after football’. Like his fellow Heronians, likes a tackle more than a roast dinner and looks at 50:50s like most people stare at a winning lottery ticket. Quite magnificent in the win at St Albans – no further comment necessary. Blamed dreadful room mark on his mate and like Blackburn, was probably right. Takes the mick out of other people’s hair but hasn’t plucked up the courage to personally consult a reflective device yet.
Harry Smith
GPSFA’s sedentary striker netted two fine goals at Douglas Eyre and struck the woodwork at St Albans. With Hertfordshire not well known for its viande de cheval burgers, survived (just) on a diet of bread, water & chips. Sported a six-inch hair spike at Membury, an accoutrement that wouldn’t have looked out of place atop a German infantryman in the trenches of the Great War. Thought we were playing at Wembley, but it turned out to be Hackney instead.
Leighton Blacker
Captain who spent the season’s first three games on the Titanic, the next six in the Nautilus and since then aboard the Starship Enterprise. Well, maybe not quite the Enterprise. Rampaged like a bull at Hackney and was spoken to at length by the referee during the second half. ‘Come here!’ orders the ref, ‘who styles your hair?’ ‘My mum,’ replies Blacker. ‘Can you sort me out an appointment?’ asks the ref. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ answers Blacker. ‘Thanks,’ says the ref, ’and don’t worry about being offside, I don’t look at the linesmen anyway.’
Paul Basford
Technical navigator and linesman. Completely ignored by Hackney ref. Not a clue.
Steve Wilson
Intuitive navigator and linesman. Latte drinker and Madras eater. Not a clue.
Bob Owen
Driver and organiser. Forgot the footballs. Not a clue.
Good job the real team knows what its doing.
Happy days
Almost achieved a perfect Tom O’Connor in the 7-a-sides at Reading. Three fine saves, two swallow dives and one attempted clearance that went virtually straight up. Only the partridge and the pear tree were missing. Made some fine second half stops in the win over St Albans and celebrated by silently devouring a huge sausage & chip supper. Horrendous ten-pin bowler, for whom having the alley sides up makes no difference whatsoever.
Jamie Lawson
Extremely pleasant individual and hugely popular with his team mates until the expulsion of an unhealthy amount of methane in the mini bus on Saturday morning. The ensuing opening of as many windows as possible meant possible death by poisoning was replaced by possible death from hypothermia. Used his big toe to good effect at St Albans to deny the hosts a late leveller. Loves a good header and always seems to get there first, unlike his timekeeping which bears a worrying likeness to Harvey Clifford’s.
Finn Lynam
Squire of Painswick who smiles, laughs, cavorts and jokes his way through the day until he talks to his parents. Then he doesn’t. Likes writing and loves semi colons, fronted adverbials, modal verbs and relative clauses, but not a clue when it comes to full stops and capital letters. Heading improving and now up to fourth in the overall standings; hairstyle not quite as good however and looked very much like a 1960s film star extra at breakfast on Saturday morning. Desmond take note – this is not a compliment.
Corey Blackburn
Latest product off the famous Blackburn footballing production line and this season’s Mr Traditional. Bacon & egg. Cup a’ tea. Fish & chips. Pie & peas. If Carlsberg did black & white tellies he’d be first in the queue. No Pain au Chocolat or duck a l’orange here – it’s steak & chips and make it rump. Blamed horrific room mark on his pal Seb, and was probably right. Hairstyle remains top-notch, due largely to both excessive use of gel and not heading the ball in equal measure.
Callum Mclean
Ronseal – as the advert says, ‘Does what it says on the tin’. Made several technical errors at St Albans but was still terrific, with three big tackles in the last few minutes. Hasn’t yet discovered fear, indecisiveness or pain and plays like it every time he crosses the white line. Off the pitch, is at the heart of most things that shout, howl or scream, but was never there, never involved or more likely both. Loves sleeping as he knows he can’t be blamed outright until regaining consciousness.
Seb Jones
Lived up to his culinary nom du plume from the word go by ordering fresh fruit salad at Beaconsfield when most other people were scoffing bacon butties. Horrified at the first Holiday Inn breakfast when finding the viennoiserie tray empty, but perked up when the new batch of pastries arrived and promptly ate four. Two excellent match performances which surprised no-one, but heading the ball forwards shocked everybody, a feat that even made the back page of the St Albans Evening Standard. Has a surprisingly poor aim, considering he uses the loo about 40 times a day. Target practice urgently required.
Jacob Chamberlain
A man with more mini bus questions than Harvey Moroney’s eaten sausages. ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. How long till we get there?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. Are we going to the services?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. How long now?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. What’s for dinner?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. When we getting to the hotel?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. Can I go to the toilet?’ ‘‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. How many miles left?’ ‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul. Are we nearly there yet?’ ‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul........’ ‘Paaaauuuuuuuuuuuul........’ Mobile midfielder who, like the entire Longlevens’ contingent, thinks it’s easier to head the ball forwards while looking the other way.
Charlie Wilkes
Likes KFC, because bones show it was alive once. Was doing well in the hairstyle stakes until the pre-tour cut dispensed with forty per cent of his carefully parted follicles. Will be rivalling Coach Stalley’s bouffant if the trend continues. Great pass at St Albans which, if Boris’s shot had gone in instead of hitting the post, would have been remembered for years to come. Bright, interested and well mannered – a good combination in anyone’s book.
Harvey Clifford
Probably not as perfect as he makes out and spent too much time trying to steal Ronseal’s wallet. Shouldn’t have bothered, because Ronseal would have dropped it and lost it soon enough. Horrified with his 1.5 hair mark at RWB, so spent hours being styled the day before the London tour began. Said it was restyled, but this was obviously a lie; it had clearly never been considered before. Contributed two fine assists at Hackney and gained impressive DREAM marks across the board which suggests he could be a tour de force in Jersey. Timekeeping has improved, but still only one place above bottom spot with only LML (Last Man Lawson) standing between him and the wooden spatula.
Brandon Liggett
The only player in GPSFA history to mix commentary with punditry while actually playing, so seems well set up for ‘life after football’. Like his fellow Heronians, likes a tackle more than a roast dinner and looks at 50:50s like most people stare at a winning lottery ticket. Quite magnificent in the win at St Albans – no further comment necessary. Blamed dreadful room mark on his mate and like Blackburn, was probably right. Takes the mick out of other people’s hair but hasn’t plucked up the courage to personally consult a reflective device yet.
Harry Smith
GPSFA’s sedentary striker netted two fine goals at Douglas Eyre and struck the woodwork at St Albans. With Hertfordshire not well known for its viande de cheval burgers, survived (just) on a diet of bread, water & chips. Sported a six-inch hair spike at Membury, an accoutrement that wouldn’t have looked out of place atop a German infantryman in the trenches of the Great War. Thought we were playing at Wembley, but it turned out to be Hackney instead.
Leighton Blacker
Captain who spent the season’s first three games on the Titanic, the next six in the Nautilus and since then aboard the Starship Enterprise. Well, maybe not quite the Enterprise. Rampaged like a bull at Hackney and was spoken to at length by the referee during the second half. ‘Come here!’ orders the ref, ‘who styles your hair?’ ‘My mum,’ replies Blacker. ‘Can you sort me out an appointment?’ asks the ref. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ answers Blacker. ‘Thanks,’ says the ref, ’and don’t worry about being offside, I don’t look at the linesmen anyway.’
Paul Basford
Technical navigator and linesman. Completely ignored by Hackney ref. Not a clue.
Steve Wilson
Intuitive navigator and linesman. Latte drinker and Madras eater. Not a clue.
Bob Owen
Driver and organiser. Forgot the footballs. Not a clue.
Good job the real team knows what its doing.
Happy days
