The Final Bow
The class of 2020 last played a match on Saturday 7th March, nearly an entire six months had passed since they last took to the grass decked out in the famous yellow and black. They’ve missed out on the entire Birmingham KO Cup run, the Southern Counties’ League Cup final day, several remaining fixtures all over the country and the first ever joint presentation evening between the boys and the girls. In the time in between, twelve ladies have barraged us with questions. When will there next be a game? Would we finish off the season? Will we see each other again? As time went on the emotions ran higher, there were tears, tantrums and sulks that the best year of their lives had come to a premature end and they would no longer be able to experience GPSFA as a group again. One fine morning, an email appeared in their inbox asking them to save the date of the 5th September as some way, somehow, we would be back in action for one last hoorah and finally they were content. Their demands had been met and they could stop the embarrassing, diva-like behaviour of the past six months. After making sure their GPSFA friends had read the message they had all been waiting for, for what seemed like an eternity, the twelve ladies told their daughters the good news too.
First to leave Gloucester on the Saturday are the coaches, piled into Coach Ed’s car. After filling up with petrol, we check that we have brought our masks in case we end up visiting the services. At this point we realise that Katie has come down with a case of what is known as ‘Myattosis’, a rare disorder that causes forgetfulness and loss of clothing, normally in children. We have to make a u-turn and return to Katie’s car to retrieve her mask where the full extent of the Myattosis is on display. She fully empties her bag onto the road in a panic searching for her car keys before realising they were in her jacket pocket all along, several minutes later. There are no such worries with Coach Jess as she has packed a mask, goggles and even a full Hazmat suit just in case government policy changes during the journey and entry to KFC requires any or all of these things.
The Myatts are used to the effects of Myattosis and they know they must leave early for everything as there is a 100% chance that something will be forgotten. Part way along the A417 Kate checks our number 10 is wearing her match kit which starts u-turn number one. Back up to the A417 and u-turn number two is required to get her boots and then u-turn number three as big brother Archie managed to get the cars mixed up at home and has just been discovered sitting silently on the back seat thinking this was the car taking him to his Cheltenham Town training. Kate doesn’t bat an eyelid at any of these events, just another Saturday.
Next to leave are the Bostocks. This active family have had a tough six months without their range of activities so make up for lost time by insisting on cycling to Woking as a group of four in a display reminiscent of the team sprint event at the Olympics.
The Mevansmobile leaves next as they have three stops to make on the way there. Subway Brockworth, to get Mevans a six inch ham and cheese for starter, the Subway on the A419 to get a footlong meatball marinara for main and then a Subway down in Woking to get a six-inch teriyaki chicken with a cookie for dessert.
The Morrismobile is next to leave as Gillian hasn’t slept a wink all night and has spent the night shadow boxing in the garage to get herself pumped up for a morning of hollering from the sidelines. Izzie just pulls her hood up and draws the strings to achieve peace of mind.
The Watson Whizzer has a panicked Flapjack Girl inside; she forgot to make her patented flapjacks for the final game so she’s brought a campfire stove and an easybake oven along with her in the car to keep up her 100% record of feeding her teammates on away days.
The Boucher Bus is running late but thankfully, like our number 3 inside, it zips along the motorway a little bit faster than the rest.
The Knightrider has the coach’s pet inside and without Katie and Jess to pester she has to make do with asking her parents to give her challenging maths questions.
The Ernie Express contains Ernie who giggles as always at the Whatsapp group that’s happening on her phone. Mr Aldridge is on his speaker phone meanwhile “So all I have to do is provide my bank account number and sort code and you’ll provide me with a year’s supply of magic beans?” Ernie cuts the line before it’s too late, “Why are you so gullible this week?”
The Birtmobile has a science experiment in progress inside. After seeing the miraculous effects of ingesting cheese to cure a broken foot in record time, Mr Birrt has decided to take it a step further. Birrrt is chomping down on a half kilo block of Double Gloucester in the back seat because Mr Birrrrt is convinced he can develop the bones all over Birrrrrt’s body to make her into a kind of bionic cheese monster.
The Forteys are slow at leaving as Mr and Mrs Fortey are engaged in a seemingly never-ending coin toss to decide who has to endure Foghorn for 2 hours. “Best of 39?” asks Lee hopefully. “Only if you visit the barbers” replies Christina. The six months of growth on top of his head to leave him looking a half way Gareth Bale is too much to give up. He must now suffer 2 hours of “CAN I GET AN ALLEGRA?” as she’s the only one in the car.
Last to leave is the Treadwell Tractor where our number 11 is sulking in the passenger seat. “Everyone gets injured” reassures Matt. It’s not that which is bothering her. The new FA guidelines prohibit heading practise in training for Under 11s. She Googles sports that would suit her danger side more “crocodile wrestling near Gloucester” comes up with no results. She sighs.
The Howells family didn’t leave on Saturday. Livid with the accusation that they’re always late, Mike has taken the children out of school on Friday so they can camp out at the ground overnight, therefore having no chance of being the last ones to arrive. In spite of that, they still arrive second.
Once we’re all present, the excitement in the air is there for all to see. Parents and players congregate trying desperately not to hug each other. Even the coaches get a cheer when they arrive. We take a short warm up before being awarded the inaugural Southern Counties’ Girls’ League trophy as joint winners alongside our opponents for the day, Woking. It’s only right to say that we have COVID-19 to thank for this as Woking would have most likely been worthy winners had it not been for the season ending early and depriving them of their last two games. Lucas is invited to take a team photo where Coach Jess is shocked by Freya’s growth this year that she is finally able to rightly take a place in the back row for the first time in two years. The families are even more shocked when Lucas doesn’t immediately come over, forcing them to hand over £10 for the photo, being so used to Tony Hickey’s sales tactics over the past year.
Everlate was next in line to be captain back in March so as a reward for her patience she’s given the duty of playing rock, paper, scissors to see who would kick off and then leading Gloucester into their final game of the season. The game begins at a much slower pace than we’re used to seeing from the sides. Both teams struggle to make passes and heavy touches are the main feature of the first quarter. Gloucester are pretty much reduced to defending their final third as Woking are able to use their physical superiority to stop any breaks from the Gloucester attackers much before they reached the halfway line. Ernie is given the task at right back of being a nuisance to Woking’s incredibly dangerous left winger who had been responsible for the majority of goals and assists in previous games. The battle out on the wing is watched with anticipation from the crowd as Ernie is able to stop any shots or crosses from happening which frustrates her opponent no end. Over on the left, Mevans treats her opponent like a footlong Subway and gobbles her up any time she attacks Gloucester’s left hand side. In the middle, Captain Everlate sweeps up anything that gets through, leading by example under tremendous pressure.
The second quarter introduces the big guns, or short guns, Chloe and Myatt to midfield and left wing respectively. Within a couple of minutes, Gloucester are unfortunate to go behind after a defensive mix up leaves Woking with an opportunity to poke the ball in and take the lead. Gloucester’s response is magnificent, Freya, Myatt and Izzie are finding their touch more and could take the ball forward with more precision only to be met by an impressively strong Woking back three who crowd the ball quickly, usually before it ever gets to the penalty area. Gloucester are able to contain Woking well with Chloe and Flapjack seemingly attached by string as they press as a pair whenever the ball breaks loose. Ernie keeps her opponent quiet again meaning she starts the simpler tactics of using her size advantage against Gloucester’s number 2. Ernie is unfazed by this turn of events and uses her gymnastics enhanced balance to continue her job diligently.
The third quarter starts in much the same manner with Gloucester surpassing Woking in terms of effort but losing the physical battle. Ernie is given a rest at right back and her room mate Birrrrrrt takes her place against one of the best players in district football this season. The change doesn’t seem to make any difference as Birrrrrt puts the power of her cheese enhanced skeleton to good use and is undeterred by the physical tactics being employed. Once more, Woking’s winger is another Gloucester girls’ pocket. Again, Woking are able to snuff out most threats and clear their lines with ease. They hadn’t managed a shot on target for nearly twenty minutes but they were able to dispossess the Gloucester defence in the area and score a beautiful lofted goal into the far top right corner. Gloucester react well and find themselves in the box with Myatt shooting wide, Freya having a rare left footed shot blocked at the last moment and Izzie wriggling free to shoot to the keeper’s left but ultimately without enough power to trouble her. The quarter ends with Woking putting together a clever passing sequence down the right wing which leaves Gloucester standing and an almost identical finish of the second goal as Foghorn desperately reaches to try and stop a goal worthy of winning any match.
The fourth quarter brings two final changes as Flapjack and Izzie bow out at the end of their GPSFA careers as they started. Flapjack puts in a calming and controlling performance in midfield which has become a reliable trademark of hers. Izzie leads the line admirably up front, chipping away at the defence and willingly chasing down every pass her team mates provide for her, all the while zoning out the hysterical screams of her mother. Woking are worthy winners today and they’ve dealt with a lot of Gloucester’s comeback comfortably. There has been no lack of effort on Gloucester’s part but the hosts have been virtually impenetrable in defence. Ernie, Everlate and Mevans have had to work hard at the back as the final quarter sees Woking’s attacks become more fluent. Some fantastic last ditch defending makes the crowd roar with approval and they help stop any further clear cut chances. Chloe and Megan are tenacious in midfield. Chloe crashes into tackles with girls a good half a foot taller than her to try and will us back into the game. Megan battles in the style that she has grown accustomed to this year, no shirking her duties and watching from a distance, constantly in the mix in whatever is going on. Myatt is desperately trying to score a goal as usual and squeezes through a gap in the Woking defence leaving her one on one with the keeper but ending with a shot hit so high that it might not have gone in a goal stacked on top of the existing one. The look of shame on her face after is one of a true goalscorer, next time she won’t be so forgiving. Gloucester finally get their consolation goal in the final minutes as Foghorn clears a loose ball from the edge of her area down the left wing for Freya to run on to. She wins the race with her marker who has been tasked with following her from wing to wing throughout the match and fittingly scores her 61st and final goal for GPSFA girls with her characteristic placed finish into the far corner to make it the final goal of our season.
The key target for today was to produce something truly memorable for their last game which has more or less eluded Gloucester until the final minutes of the match. After twenty one games, dozens of training sessions, sixty plus team talks, hundreds of points from the coaches in the direction where the ball should go, something truly memorable does happen. The stars align, the Earth stands still, the crowd goes silent as Foghorn finally sends a beautifully drilled goal kick to the side of the pitch, not the middle, the side. Evading all opponents who are caught unaware, the ball travels with perfect weight and lands on Birrrrrrrrt’s recently cheese healed foot who gleefully skips down the right wing in acres of space just in time for the referee to call an end to Gloucester’s season.
Hopefully Foghorn will remember the simplicity of this moment and add it to her already impressive array of goalkeeping skills.
Adam, the Woking coach, gives his typically positive and encouraging debrief to both teams after a socially distanced three cheers. Following this, the girls are clapped off the pitch and given a hero’s welcome by their adoring supporters. Plans are made for a final stop at the services in Reading, a rare treat that the families get to indulge in for once. The year ends with the yellow and black army camped outside on the picnic tables merrily eating KFC, Burger King and Krispy Kreme donuts. The girls giggle around one table with no social distancing, the parents chatter in the background with full social distancing and in a sign of how close the group has become over the past twelve months, even the siblings of all ages seem to have forged a bond. It’s been an incredibly enjoyable season with a hugely miserable middle for all but today helped us all achieve some closure. Next up, presentation evening.
First to leave Gloucester on the Saturday are the coaches, piled into Coach Ed’s car. After filling up with petrol, we check that we have brought our masks in case we end up visiting the services. At this point we realise that Katie has come down with a case of what is known as ‘Myattosis’, a rare disorder that causes forgetfulness and loss of clothing, normally in children. We have to make a u-turn and return to Katie’s car to retrieve her mask where the full extent of the Myattosis is on display. She fully empties her bag onto the road in a panic searching for her car keys before realising they were in her jacket pocket all along, several minutes later. There are no such worries with Coach Jess as she has packed a mask, goggles and even a full Hazmat suit just in case government policy changes during the journey and entry to KFC requires any or all of these things.
The Myatts are used to the effects of Myattosis and they know they must leave early for everything as there is a 100% chance that something will be forgotten. Part way along the A417 Kate checks our number 10 is wearing her match kit which starts u-turn number one. Back up to the A417 and u-turn number two is required to get her boots and then u-turn number three as big brother Archie managed to get the cars mixed up at home and has just been discovered sitting silently on the back seat thinking this was the car taking him to his Cheltenham Town training. Kate doesn’t bat an eyelid at any of these events, just another Saturday.
Next to leave are the Bostocks. This active family have had a tough six months without their range of activities so make up for lost time by insisting on cycling to Woking as a group of four in a display reminiscent of the team sprint event at the Olympics.
The Mevansmobile leaves next as they have three stops to make on the way there. Subway Brockworth, to get Mevans a six inch ham and cheese for starter, the Subway on the A419 to get a footlong meatball marinara for main and then a Subway down in Woking to get a six-inch teriyaki chicken with a cookie for dessert.
The Morrismobile is next to leave as Gillian hasn’t slept a wink all night and has spent the night shadow boxing in the garage to get herself pumped up for a morning of hollering from the sidelines. Izzie just pulls her hood up and draws the strings to achieve peace of mind.
The Watson Whizzer has a panicked Flapjack Girl inside; she forgot to make her patented flapjacks for the final game so she’s brought a campfire stove and an easybake oven along with her in the car to keep up her 100% record of feeding her teammates on away days.
The Boucher Bus is running late but thankfully, like our number 3 inside, it zips along the motorway a little bit faster than the rest.
The Knightrider has the coach’s pet inside and without Katie and Jess to pester she has to make do with asking her parents to give her challenging maths questions.
The Ernie Express contains Ernie who giggles as always at the Whatsapp group that’s happening on her phone. Mr Aldridge is on his speaker phone meanwhile “So all I have to do is provide my bank account number and sort code and you’ll provide me with a year’s supply of magic beans?” Ernie cuts the line before it’s too late, “Why are you so gullible this week?”
The Birtmobile has a science experiment in progress inside. After seeing the miraculous effects of ingesting cheese to cure a broken foot in record time, Mr Birrt has decided to take it a step further. Birrrt is chomping down on a half kilo block of Double Gloucester in the back seat because Mr Birrrrt is convinced he can develop the bones all over Birrrrrt’s body to make her into a kind of bionic cheese monster.
The Forteys are slow at leaving as Mr and Mrs Fortey are engaged in a seemingly never-ending coin toss to decide who has to endure Foghorn for 2 hours. “Best of 39?” asks Lee hopefully. “Only if you visit the barbers” replies Christina. The six months of growth on top of his head to leave him looking a half way Gareth Bale is too much to give up. He must now suffer 2 hours of “CAN I GET AN ALLEGRA?” as she’s the only one in the car.
Last to leave is the Treadwell Tractor where our number 11 is sulking in the passenger seat. “Everyone gets injured” reassures Matt. It’s not that which is bothering her. The new FA guidelines prohibit heading practise in training for Under 11s. She Googles sports that would suit her danger side more “crocodile wrestling near Gloucester” comes up with no results. She sighs.
The Howells family didn’t leave on Saturday. Livid with the accusation that they’re always late, Mike has taken the children out of school on Friday so they can camp out at the ground overnight, therefore having no chance of being the last ones to arrive. In spite of that, they still arrive second.
Once we’re all present, the excitement in the air is there for all to see. Parents and players congregate trying desperately not to hug each other. Even the coaches get a cheer when they arrive. We take a short warm up before being awarded the inaugural Southern Counties’ Girls’ League trophy as joint winners alongside our opponents for the day, Woking. It’s only right to say that we have COVID-19 to thank for this as Woking would have most likely been worthy winners had it not been for the season ending early and depriving them of their last two games. Lucas is invited to take a team photo where Coach Jess is shocked by Freya’s growth this year that she is finally able to rightly take a place in the back row for the first time in two years. The families are even more shocked when Lucas doesn’t immediately come over, forcing them to hand over £10 for the photo, being so used to Tony Hickey’s sales tactics over the past year.
Everlate was next in line to be captain back in March so as a reward for her patience she’s given the duty of playing rock, paper, scissors to see who would kick off and then leading Gloucester into their final game of the season. The game begins at a much slower pace than we’re used to seeing from the sides. Both teams struggle to make passes and heavy touches are the main feature of the first quarter. Gloucester are pretty much reduced to defending their final third as Woking are able to use their physical superiority to stop any breaks from the Gloucester attackers much before they reached the halfway line. Ernie is given the task at right back of being a nuisance to Woking’s incredibly dangerous left winger who had been responsible for the majority of goals and assists in previous games. The battle out on the wing is watched with anticipation from the crowd as Ernie is able to stop any shots or crosses from happening which frustrates her opponent no end. Over on the left, Mevans treats her opponent like a footlong Subway and gobbles her up any time she attacks Gloucester’s left hand side. In the middle, Captain Everlate sweeps up anything that gets through, leading by example under tremendous pressure.
The second quarter introduces the big guns, or short guns, Chloe and Myatt to midfield and left wing respectively. Within a couple of minutes, Gloucester are unfortunate to go behind after a defensive mix up leaves Woking with an opportunity to poke the ball in and take the lead. Gloucester’s response is magnificent, Freya, Myatt and Izzie are finding their touch more and could take the ball forward with more precision only to be met by an impressively strong Woking back three who crowd the ball quickly, usually before it ever gets to the penalty area. Gloucester are able to contain Woking well with Chloe and Flapjack seemingly attached by string as they press as a pair whenever the ball breaks loose. Ernie keeps her opponent quiet again meaning she starts the simpler tactics of using her size advantage against Gloucester’s number 2. Ernie is unfazed by this turn of events and uses her gymnastics enhanced balance to continue her job diligently.
The third quarter starts in much the same manner with Gloucester surpassing Woking in terms of effort but losing the physical battle. Ernie is given a rest at right back and her room mate Birrrrrrt takes her place against one of the best players in district football this season. The change doesn’t seem to make any difference as Birrrrrt puts the power of her cheese enhanced skeleton to good use and is undeterred by the physical tactics being employed. Once more, Woking’s winger is another Gloucester girls’ pocket. Again, Woking are able to snuff out most threats and clear their lines with ease. They hadn’t managed a shot on target for nearly twenty minutes but they were able to dispossess the Gloucester defence in the area and score a beautiful lofted goal into the far top right corner. Gloucester react well and find themselves in the box with Myatt shooting wide, Freya having a rare left footed shot blocked at the last moment and Izzie wriggling free to shoot to the keeper’s left but ultimately without enough power to trouble her. The quarter ends with Woking putting together a clever passing sequence down the right wing which leaves Gloucester standing and an almost identical finish of the second goal as Foghorn desperately reaches to try and stop a goal worthy of winning any match.
The fourth quarter brings two final changes as Flapjack and Izzie bow out at the end of their GPSFA careers as they started. Flapjack puts in a calming and controlling performance in midfield which has become a reliable trademark of hers. Izzie leads the line admirably up front, chipping away at the defence and willingly chasing down every pass her team mates provide for her, all the while zoning out the hysterical screams of her mother. Woking are worthy winners today and they’ve dealt with a lot of Gloucester’s comeback comfortably. There has been no lack of effort on Gloucester’s part but the hosts have been virtually impenetrable in defence. Ernie, Everlate and Mevans have had to work hard at the back as the final quarter sees Woking’s attacks become more fluent. Some fantastic last ditch defending makes the crowd roar with approval and they help stop any further clear cut chances. Chloe and Megan are tenacious in midfield. Chloe crashes into tackles with girls a good half a foot taller than her to try and will us back into the game. Megan battles in the style that she has grown accustomed to this year, no shirking her duties and watching from a distance, constantly in the mix in whatever is going on. Myatt is desperately trying to score a goal as usual and squeezes through a gap in the Woking defence leaving her one on one with the keeper but ending with a shot hit so high that it might not have gone in a goal stacked on top of the existing one. The look of shame on her face after is one of a true goalscorer, next time she won’t be so forgiving. Gloucester finally get their consolation goal in the final minutes as Foghorn clears a loose ball from the edge of her area down the left wing for Freya to run on to. She wins the race with her marker who has been tasked with following her from wing to wing throughout the match and fittingly scores her 61st and final goal for GPSFA girls with her characteristic placed finish into the far corner to make it the final goal of our season.
The key target for today was to produce something truly memorable for their last game which has more or less eluded Gloucester until the final minutes of the match. After twenty one games, dozens of training sessions, sixty plus team talks, hundreds of points from the coaches in the direction where the ball should go, something truly memorable does happen. The stars align, the Earth stands still, the crowd goes silent as Foghorn finally sends a beautifully drilled goal kick to the side of the pitch, not the middle, the side. Evading all opponents who are caught unaware, the ball travels with perfect weight and lands on Birrrrrrrrt’s recently cheese healed foot who gleefully skips down the right wing in acres of space just in time for the referee to call an end to Gloucester’s season.
Hopefully Foghorn will remember the simplicity of this moment and add it to her already impressive array of goalkeeping skills.
Adam, the Woking coach, gives his typically positive and encouraging debrief to both teams after a socially distanced three cheers. Following this, the girls are clapped off the pitch and given a hero’s welcome by their adoring supporters. Plans are made for a final stop at the services in Reading, a rare treat that the families get to indulge in for once. The year ends with the yellow and black army camped outside on the picnic tables merrily eating KFC, Burger King and Krispy Kreme donuts. The girls giggle around one table with no social distancing, the parents chatter in the background with full social distancing and in a sign of how close the group has become over the past twelve months, even the siblings of all ages seem to have forged a bond. It’s been an incredibly enjoyable season with a hugely miserable middle for all but today helped us all achieve some closure. Next up, presentation evening.
