Thursday

The minibus. The staple of the GPSFA experience. Easily the most exciting thing about receiving a ‘congratulations’ email from Bob Owen is the knowledge that almost every other weekend you’ll be transported along with a football team’s worth of like-minded individuals of a similar age for hours at a time, before occasionally stopping to either spend someone else’s money at the services, or to play football for an hour or so. It’s what helps make the GPSFA experience so unique and is rarely replicated for the rest of your footballing life.

This team has played six home matches in a row and hasn’t had an away trip since 30th November. Sometimes, you can just feel it when a team *needs* a minibus trip. And this is what the London tour gives them.

On board the minibus on the way from Finlay School are Coach Ed, who has dragged himself out of bed after a very ill half term of shivering, coughing and spluttering, Coach Jon, a gilet-loving, Christmas cracker joke machine and finally, BEF (Big Everton Fan), a rarely-spotted in the south of England anyway- Everton supporter, who has taken two days off of work for a step into the unknown.

First on the bus voluntarily is ML, clearly chomping at the bit to get away from the family for three whole days. Second on the bus involuntarily is MM, her family clearly chomping at the bit to get away from her for three whole days. Last on the bus is RC. Uncharacteristically late for RC, but she’s been stopped as part of the Longlevens Village Council random vehicle check to make sure all members of the village are in possession of their Dry RobesÔ. She passes upon providing proof that she’s not a resident of the Village and is spared any punishment.

Our first journey is a simple five-minute trip to play Chiltern & South Bucks in the Southern Counties’ Cup. We had a very even game with them way back in October, so we’re expecting much of the same.

Both teams start evenly with lots of play focused in the middle of the pitch and not too many chances created at either end. PD has our best chance of the first half but puts just too much power on her shot to lift it over the bar. She’s also our best creator as she is on a constant mission to put her teammates through on goal with some defence-splitting through balls. Sadly, we’re not alive enough to what PD is encouraging us to get on the end of. Fortunately, a defensive combination of LF, LC and ML are at their resolute best to ensure we don’t regret any of these missed chances.

Half-time comes and goes, but we take the lead ten minutes into the second half. A defensive mix-up on the edge of the area is taken advantage of by BON and she slots into a near empty net to great celebration. Several minutes later, she doubles her goal count after some excellent play down the left from CC draws the keeper far off her line. The worst decision she could make is to get too excited about possibly scoring from a tight angle against an onrushing keeper, however she makes the best decision and simply passes it across goal for a waiting BON to tap home. “Slotted home like Tony Cottee” purrs BEF to our perplexed number 11.

We’re in agreement that the second-half is easily the most dominant half of football the girls have produced this season as we chased down any lost balls aggressively and efficiently as a group.

After the match, the girls are treated to their first, and likely only trip this year, to The Best Services in The World, Beaconsfield. Regarded so for the allure of choosing either a McDonalds OR a KFC, both within twenty metres of each other. GF makes the most of the experience by spending £15 at KFC, which is delivered in a bag big enough to hold the team’s dirty kit from the earlier game. LC doesn’t agree with Coach Ed’s choice of Greggs: “The only thing that’s any good in there is their pizza.” Coach Ed exclaims: “You don’t go to Greggs and get pizza! That’s like going to Dominos for their brownies.” GF agrees: “Yeah, that’s like going to B & M and buying a dog.” Analogies don’t appear to be her thing.

Later, we arrive at the Holiday Inn in Hemel Hempstead to unpack yet another tour group. The long- awaited roommates are introduced to each other at their doors. First up, room 230 will contain GF and MM who scream “GET IN” once inside. The girls outside also scream “GET IN”, relieved at having their ears spared for the next three days. Next door in 232 is LC and BON. 235 has CC and CG. 237 plays host to ME and LF while the final room of 241 will have a triple threat of RC, PD and ML. Upon entry, we find out they’ll be sharing a double bed and a double sofa bed between them. ML successfully negotiates an awkward situation by telling them she’ll take the terribly uncomfortable sofa bed on her own and she’ll treat her roommates to the far more lovely divan to share between them. And they fall for it.

The girls are given ten minutes to get ready and we make a trip to Jump In, a trampoline park in Elstree. I’ll be honest, I have no idea what happened in this hour, we were on our break.

Eleven sweaty girls are collected and driven to tonight’s sit-down meal at the Harvester in Watford. Here the girls are introduced to their DREAM marks system. D for diary, R for room, E for eating, A for attitude and M for match score. The usual barrage of questions is answered and a group decision appears to be taken to all order from the Under 6s menu to keep eating points intact. Having just played football and bounced around on trampolines for an hour, it’s heavily suggested that a plate of baby food probably won’t do and they must order from the Bigger-Eaters menu.

All find something on there, chicken tenders and a burger are the most popular choices. GF takes a risk and takes two bread rolls from the salad bar but she inhales both before finishing off a bowl of meatballs and pasta. After her exhibition at KFC earlier, it’s clear this girl would be in the Eating Premier League were she to ever go to Jersey.

When we get back to the hotel, Coach Ed starts the room score judgments while Coach Jon and BEF oversee the diary-writing process. 230 score 1, 232 score 4, 235 score 4, 237 score 5 and 241, bearing in mind they were in their room for just ten minutes, score 0. Every room managed to leave their bedroom light, bathroom light and TV on, except eco-conscious 235 who only left their TV on. The rest of the points deducted are for a mixture of clothes and bags on the floor, chairs and bed, crumpled duvets and a variety of items not being parallel and perpendicular with the rest of the room.

The diaries are going well and it’s probably the quietest and most efficient writing group so far. Everything’s easy when you’re winning, including writing two pages of homework during half-term.

DREAM scores are handed out, well REAM scores as understandably Coach Jon hasn’t marked the diaries in that short space of time. Again, we’re shocked at the low number of A and E points dropped. Less shocked by the R scores and pleasantly shocked with the M scores being so high, a reminder of today’s exertions. The girls are sent to their rooms at 9pm for a shower, with an 8am wake-up call to be expected in the morning.

Friday

The 8am wake-up call receives a mixed reception. 237 and 241 bound to the door, fully changed and ready to attack the day. 235 have woken up just in time for the knock at the door, while 230 and 232 have to have their door opened for them. A result of being awake and chatting at 11pm when the doors were last checked.

Only 230 are deducted an attitude point for being late for breakfast, where the team are free to make their own selections at the buffet. Croissants, cereals, fruits and toast are the most popular choices. MM tells us it’s impossible to find something she likes and she’s not hungry. She’s threatened with losing five eating points for eating nothing, so she skulks back with a piece of toast and a miserable look slapped all over her face.

The girls have about twenty minutes to make sure they’re fully packed for Wembley and their match later on. RC, PD and GF all drop attitude points for forgetting their playing kit in this time. We take the motorway to Wembley and after a struggle to get parked, we head to the Sir Bobby Moore statue to start our tour. The B team are joining us and are good company throughout, although CC could probably do without ZH being there on her week off from him.

Our tour guide, George, is a fact machine and loves to tell us about the price of things, such as the value of the FA Cup being £2m. The best part of the tour is seeing all the shirts hanging up in the dressing room and having photos taken with them. We have a go at shouting “Hello Wembley” and “Gloucester Schools” out into the empty bowl of the stadium. Coach Jon reminisces about seeing AEW wrestler, Darby Allin on our tour last year and wondering if Darby has still kept the pair of underwear he threw to him. We finish our tour off in the shop and to no surprise, there’s little we can buy. In fact, the FA Cup would be the third most expensive item there.

We grab a McDonalds for lunch, sharing huge boxes of chicken nuggets on Wembley Way in view of the even more famous arch. CG wonders why everyone is staring at them; not very often you see a girls’ football team swaggering about in matching hoodies is probably the reason why.

We make our way from Wembley up to St Albans via the laundrette. A journey that should take about thirty minutes, but Coach Jon makes sure he ticks the box on Google Maps that says “Ensure we travel through every residential road in North London” and it takes one hour and twenty minutes. And then he wakes up the elderly, sleeping patron of the laundrette when we get there. Horrible man.

St Albans race into a two-goal lead inside ten minutes, leaving us a little shell-shocked. An over-enthusiastic challenge from LC results in a penalty before their speedy midfielder whips a great cross against the far post which is finished on the rebound.

We look despondent but not at all out of it. GF, BO, CG and CC all have great chances to pull a goal back. The best chance falls to RC who whips her shot what looks to be inside the near top corner but sadly hit the wrong side of the post.

The girls are told how well they’re playing and we’re grateful to BON for her pressing from the front and to CG, who for ten minutes, held the team together with her non-stop battling in midfield and superb passes to get our attacking moves going. BEF agrees: “You’re combining the athleticism of Lee Carsley with the tenacity of Thomas Gravesen.” CG nods her head vigorously, and then shrugs her shoulders when BEF isn’t looking.

We pull a goal back seven minutes after the break when BON crosses with her left foot to a waiting CG to slot into the far post. Not long after, a flowing move ends with PD setting up GF who drills, in the words of LC, a banger into the far top corner over a despairing keeper. BEF describes it as Leighton Baines-esque and everyone makes a note to consult Google and find out who that is. GF turns provider with ten minutes to go as she passes across goal for BON to score her third goal of the tour amid jubilant celebrations.

We’re not out of the woods yet as St Albans break through in the final minute, only to have LC’s toe nick the ball away from the Saints’ attacker as they wind up for a shot. “Wow! Just like a young Dave Watson,” coos BEF. “Isn’t that the name of our school caretaker?” whispers RC to PD.

The Dry RobeÔ Mafia (GPSFA supporters) have turned out in force for this one and are glad they made the effort to come down for such a thriller. Our first come-from-behind win of the season and everyone shows their appreciation for the squad.

We head back to the hotel for a shower and to get ready for dinner which will be downstairs in the hotel restaurant. On the way, we see a variety of gaudy football boots outside the doors in our corridor. When we reach the stairs we find out why – the France Under 23 Womens’ team are staying here in preparation for their match against England the following week. We’ve ordered an “Italian” buffet, although I’m pretty sure any Italians would describe it as an “English” buffet. GF fills her boots and unloads platefuls down the hatch. Most others have a few conservative slices of pizza and garlic bread and CG takes up the dare of eating, wait for it, a chicken leg.

Coach Ed sees the French team arrive and quickly Googles how to ask for a photo with the two teams in French. “Mange tout, mange tout. Prend oon photo sill voos plate?” Embarrassingly, the French coaches respond in perfect English that they would be happy to. We get our photo with a very gracious French squad and wish them good luck against England. “Gracias” say half the girls on the way back to their tables. Maybe we need to add Duolingo into our coaching syllabus.

Coach Jon gives out the diary scores from the previous night and is happy with their efforts. Some lovely comments in there and all written with unique insights into their day. The girls have also quickly figured out they can write any old nonsense, but mentioning Coach Jon in any positive way guarantees them at least a 7 out of 10.

They write about today’s events while Coach Ed delivers a room check and it’s a huge improvement. 230, 235 and 237 have all scored 9s, while 232 and 241 have scored 8s. We finish the evening with a game of Cockroach Poker in which collecting eight cards from having a bad poker face will make you the loser, and everyone else the winner. CG and ML accumulate zero cards whilst BON, PD and GF all hover precariously on seven cards before GF fails in her final attempt to convince someone her card has a spider on it. The girls are sent to bed at 9.15pm and when the final room checks are made, ML is already asleep while her roommates tiptoe around her.

Saturday

Everyone’s up at 7.45, in one way or another, apart from 230, unsurprisingly. Being the last room to go to sleep again has once again resulted in them being the last to wake up. How strange. It’s also clear that this is the only time of the day that your ears don’t get a shellacking from GF and MM as they stare blankly and grunt their way through any questions.

While the team head down to breakfast, Coach Ed carries out the ultimate room inspection test. 230 score a 6 for leaving clothes in many different places, 232 score an 8, 235 and 241 score a 9 and we get our first perfect 10 of the tour for 237.

The girls’ breakfast choices seem similar to the day before. ME unwraps a large number of Babybels, LF spreads a double layer of chocolate spread on her toast, MM has TWO slices of toast and RC has six croissants. Attitude points are dropped by RC, PD and GF for going to the toilet at meal time, to everyone else’s enjoyment. We head upstairs to room 241 where we unleash a rousing rendition of “HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR LF” as she’s celebrating her eleventh birthday in a Holiday Inn in Hertfordshire instead of at home. True commitment to GPSFA.

The overnight rain has caused a catastrophe as Woking’s grass pitch is unplayable, however Woking Adam works a miracle in being able to secure a booking on a beautiful and serene 3G at a private school this side of Hemel Hempstead. It’s such an unseasonably beautiful morning that the Dry RobeÔ Mafia leave their Dry RobesÔ in their cars.

A quick warm-up precedes a 9-a-side match on a 7-a-side pitch. Due to the dimensions, most players have a shot regardless of their position but it’s hard to get through such a compact swarm of players. GF gives us the lead on the breakaway by smacking the ball into the near top corner to much appreciation from the entire match-going audience. CC, PD and BON all have decent chances, but we only take a one-goal lead into half-time. The second half has much of the same and it takes until the fifteenth minute for PD to square for BON to settle the tie. We have even more chances from all over the pitch, but that’ll have to do for today, a 2-0 win to finish the tour.

After the match, the girls are told they’ve made a little bit of history. They’re the first GPSFA girls’ team to record a 100% record on the London tour. With the standard of teams we’ve had over the years, this is an achievement to be proud of as it’s clearly a difficult thing to do. BEF agrees: “Even the 1984/85 double-winning Toffees didn’t win all their games in London that season.” We’ll have to believe her as none of us were born back then. There’s a far more interesting statistic floating around the team that RC has managed to fall over, flat on her back like a WWE wrestler, six times during today’s game. They ask if this is a record too, but as we have no idea, we’ll just have to see if this statistic will ever be beaten.

There’s time for one last attitude point to be dropped as MM leaves her boots in the Woking changing rooms for the A team to bring back to her. We stop at Membury services on the way home where the girls receive their third fast-food lunch in three days. Maybe this is the reason for the recent upturn in performances? This is yet another reason why the minibus is so important.

Just before we go, we’re treated to a live performance of Happy Birthday from ME on the piano. Membury Services is treated to an accompanying vocal performance towards LF, and LF is treated to yet another bright red face of the day.

Another successful tour. Parents gladly receive their children back, refreshed after a three-day break from at least one of them. Coaches Ed, Jon and BEF reflect on what a lovely group we’ve spent our time with, then turn the radio off and drive home in silence. Next up is the Easter tour in April. Watch this space…