Tuesday

The second girls’ tour of the season gets underway with collection at Longlevens at 11am and Higgsy is in buoyant mood, she’s managed to go from two large bags to one large bag and one backpack, she can’t work out how she’s done it, but she has.

The journey starts off eerily upbeat, Moany draws her seat from the zip lock bag and gleefully takes her place next to Whyda in the middle of the bus. No-one moans and no-one asks why. On her first tour, Coach Vicki comments that the girls are far quieter than usual and wonders whether a week and a half without school and no socialising is the result. The truth is there’s major beef amongst the squad since Longlevens beat Abbeymead in the school cup final a couple of weeks back and it’s the first time they’ve come face to face. Phoebe/Pheobe glares at Millie, Maisie grinds her teeth at Higgsy and Moany moans at Moany, just so she doesn’t feel left out.

It’s probably our shortest journey of the season as we arrive in Pontypool, birthplace and childhood home of a starry eyed boy who dreamt of one day becoming a school teacher and football coach in Gloucester. A young whippersnapper by the name of Robert Owen, back in the 1890s. We arrive at the imposing, gothic architecture of West Monmouth School where they possess the only 4G astro turf in existence to have a slope on it. Must have been installed by the Chuckle Brothers.

We’re told the format is to play two separate 9 a side matches, on 7 a side pitches, in 7 a side goals with no referees, no linos and with penalty areas smaller than a six yard box. We’re told to ignore the much larger red semi circles as they would make too much sense to use. The first match against Newport B is very lopsided, much like the pitch, and we race into a five goal lead by half time; Champ, Misrobel and a hat trick from Whyda enforce some changes of position at the break. Millie absolutely bosses the entire game, not a tackle is missed and not a pass goes astray as she gives our defence very little to do and their defence a lot to do. Newport switch to a back four right in front of their goal which makes things difficult but means we can work on our passing around the area. We finish our scoring with Champ striking a screamer into the far top corner before Newport squeeze a consolation over the line at the death.

The second match against Newport A is tougher but the visitors remain in control. The hosts take the lead before the break with a one on one after a clearance which brings about a angry response from the girls. They turn up the heat with Spaghetti Laces, Whyda and Earlybird all having good chances to equalise. The equaliser eventually comes after a short corner to Moany who drills the ball from about twenty metres out into the near top corner. The 7 a side goals are an issue, especially with a dozen players in front of them, even Phoebe/Feebee, the winner of the ‘Goal of the School Cup Finals Weekend’ can’t find a winner for us.

We leave the families to head back to Gloucester while we make our way to Neath to our hotel. As always, it involves a drive through Port Talbot, a town so grim and dreary they built the M4 directly through the middle of it with an air of “it’s not exactly going to make it worse, is it?” A town so ugly that is known as the Croc of Great Britain. The front desk recognise us from previous years, which isn’t immediately clear whether this is a good or bad thing, and have all of our rooms ready to go in record time.

The rooms have been allocated as follows; 110 for Madame and Spaghetti Laces. 111 houses The Boss and Phoebe/Pheebee and opposite is home for Earlybird and Reliable Renáe. In the middle of the corridor, Maisie and Moany set up camp in 116 and right at the end, Misrobel and Higgsy take 131 while Whyda and Champ take next door in 133.

The girls are given ten minutes to get ready for a trip to Buzz trampoline park and are told in no uncertain terms that anyone caught in the corridor on this tour will receive minus two attitude points. Whyda and Champ are the first to fail this test followed by Spaghetti Laces who strolls out to meet us when she hears doors being knocked further up, all within ten minutes of being told this.

The trampoline park is thirsty work and a great success. We get two hours for the price of one, the coaches get freedom from questions and the girls have a great time in a place that should be in every town or city in the UK. The best part for the girls “watching other kids get told off.” Can’t put a price on that.

We make our way back to the hotel to commence our diary session. The girls are warned that a higher standard is expected by Coach Vicki, a Year 5 teacher, than Coach John, a Gloucester City fan, and they should bear this in mind when putting pen to paper. Phoebe/Phebé is livid after turning one page, she doesn’t go to Elmbridge! “Why does this fool keep getting my school wrong?!” she screams, in her head, probably.

Dominos pizza arrives during the session as a dangling carrot and sees the quality and depth of writing plummet once the girls catch a whiff of them. The only eating point that is dropped is by The Boss and she would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that rotten Earlybird. And since snitches get stitches, Earlybird has an attitude point taken off of her for snitching.

Room checks see perfect tens for rooms 133 and 131. 110 score eight, 112 score seven and 111 score six. Room 116, and bearing in mind they were in their room for ten minutes only, have managed to score a record low of minus two. The full list of crimes being; 1 light on, 3 bags on the floor, 1 set of clothes on the floor, 1 pair of shoes on the floor, 1 crumpled bedsheet, 1 set of clothes on the desk, 1 chair not tucked in, 1 toilet seat up, 1 toiletry bag in the sink and 1 can of hair frizz tamer not being parallel and perpendicular to the bathroom wall. Moany moans that most of that is Maisie’s fault, and for once it’s hard to argue. She had the lowest room score last time, maybe it is the fault of Messy Ladbrooke.

The girls go to bed and are told to expect an 8am wake up call. Higgsy realises she has forgotten all of her toiletries apart from her toothbrush as she has a light bulb moment of realisation as to how she was able to bring a smaller bag. The coaches keep watch in the corridor as three rooms drop into silence straightaway. Coach Vicki watches in horror as her neighbours bring a tuba into their room, then go down to fetch some gardening equipment. We go to bed before we see them nip back down to the car and bring up an anvil and lump hammer.

Wednesday

Wake up calls see 131, 133 and 112 wide awake, the others less so. 116 is opened to see Messy tiptoeing towards the door, fearful of waking the angry bear sleeping in her room. 111 look like they regret saving up all their conversation for the hours between 9.30 and midnight while 110 answer with a variety of grunts and nods.

Madame has an attitude point docked for being late for breakfast which seems harsh seeing as she was tying up her laces on her trainers, rather than wearing the ugliest footwear in history, the Croc. In fairness, it should be the other way round. Whyda and Higgsy go for a cooked breakfast whilst the others refresh themselves with a variety of fruits and cereals.

We head to the Mumbles to go to the beach but we find the tide in so make our way further along the coast to Langland Bay. The weather is typically Welsh. Grey, windy and rainy, a horrible mixture which upsets everyone. Not Misrobel though, the more misrobel, the better. She and Whyda tell the team about finding incredibly ugly monkfish in the rocks last year and how we saved them by throwing them back into the sea but they’re not to be found on this beach so we continue with some rock climbing out to sea.

After climbing as far across the rocks as we can, the girls settle on their preferred pursuits back at the beach. Phoebe/Feebé and Earlybird dig up bigger and bigger rocks, Messy and Misrobel wreck someone’s fully working river model they made the previous day, The Boss and Reliable Renáe recover from the trauma of rock climbing whilst the rest draw out a football pitch, put some rocks for goals and play some beach football.

Captain Madame chooses Champ and Moan for her team and they respond with cries of “Je m’appelle!” anytime anything goes wrong to ingratiate themselves to their new leader. They end up victorious at the end of the match, “I guess they don’t joue au foot as trés bien as they think they do, eh Madame?” chuckles Champ. “Mange tout, mange tout” agrees Moany. “Mon Dieu, mon Dieu, mon Dieu” sighs Madame.

We spot a beach café for lunch and make our way over there before doing a U-turn when we see bacon rolls being sold for £8.50. We have swimming booked for 2.15 and seeing the minutes tick away, and making sure we leave an hour after eating before swimming, we’re resigned to going to McDonalds. The girls are told there will be no individual orders this time, just boxes of chicken nuggets. Fusspots Higgsy and Earlybird don’t like them so Higgsy has to have a ‘make it plain’ quarterpounder with cheese. Earlybird says one of the most thoughtful things of the season “I’ll have the same to make it easier.”

Swimming is at The LC where there are swimming pools, wave machines, slides and a lazy river. Another place that should be in every town and city in the UK. The coaches endure the humidity on the balcony and occasionally spot the girls. The easiest to spot are The Boss, Earlybird and Phoebe/Phoeebee as they just go round and round the lazy river for ninety minutes before being told to get out.

We’re back at the hotel at 5pm to be ready for dinner at the Harvester next door for 5.30pm. No problem for Reliable Renáe and Earlybird as they open the door whilst it’s being knocked for the second time today. Coach Vicki takes the nice table whilst Coach Ed takes, what we’ll diplomatically call, the rest. Burgers and chicken tenders are the most popular choices for the team, Coach Vicki’s table demolish theirs in silence and drop zero eating points.

After making her quarterpounder with cheese plain earlier on, Higgsy forgets to request this in the restaurant and has to force her way through the tomato in her burger heroically. She then undoes all of this by leaving five sweet potato fries to drop an eating point. We explain she could have enjoyed her burger without the tomato if she was going to drop an eating point so easily. The rest of the table worry about the Build Your Own sundaes that are coming and how many of the toppings they are allowed to leave. We decide that they don’t have to every topping as it could lead to a diagnosis of diabetes. This is still not enough of a loophole for Misrobel, Messy, Whyda and Moany as two eating points are dropped each. Miraculously, the only person to finish their sundae is Higgsy, which makes her choice to leave five sweet potato fries even more ridiculous. Coach Vicki’s table show no such drama, finishing off their plates, stacking them in a neat pile and giving each other a presidential handshake for a job well done.

Back at the hotel, Coach Vicki lambasts the girls for their efforts with their diaries the night before. Scores have come in much lower than in London so handwriting becomes smaller and vocabulary becomes more spectacular to get their scores up. Phoebe/Ffeebee and Misrobel duel over the best diary entry as Crypt battles Ribston Hall for the highest rating. Meanwhile, Coach Ed inspects the room and reports a GPSFA Girls’ first (and most likely girls and boys’ first) as every room scores a perfect ten.

The girls are to be ready for bed for 9.30, Spaghetti Laces has packed her entire bag, leaving only her kit out for the next day. Champ’s room has a ball confiscated for the second tour in a row and her roommate Whyda has two attitude points for opening her door to try and speak to her neighbours. The coaches hear silence at 10.10 so call it a night just as Coach Vicki watches her new neighbour walk into his room and proceed to have a deafening call on his mobile. She’s not had much luck with them.

Thursday

The girls have a slightly later wake up call of 8.30am so the coaches find eleven of the twelve girls awake and able to answer the door, all apart from the angry bear in 116 that Messy tiptoes around so as not to wake her. Earlybird once again answers the door whilst it’s being knocked and rooms 133 and 112 are even fully changed in their kit leaving them with nothing to do for the next half an hour.

The final room checks are completed and it’s a perfect score of 30/30 for Whyda and Champ. After having two Holiday Inn cleaners sacked for leaving her bathroom light on last year, she rightly claims a perfect score, proving once and for all, it definitely wasn’t her fault. 112 have also scored a perfect 10/10 although that’s pretty easy to do when you pack everything into your bags before room checks. 111 come close with 9/10, the power cord on their kettle is hanging over the countertop sadly. 131 come close to perfection but Higgsy has left her bedsheet crumpled and her bag hanging slightly over the cupboard. 116 have the handicap of the one tidy roommate having to wake up and get out of bed in the past half an hour, leaving the one messy roommate to attempt tidying the room. They score 7/10, one more than 110 who missed some crucial details in their tidying, however at least they don’t wear Crocs.

Coach Ed enters the breakfast room to see that Champ has instigated an exodus from her group’s table next to the adults as they had become too good at hearing their whispering the day before. Higgsy is struggling after her efforts with a tomato and a sundae the previous night and can only eat two slices of bacon and a muffin. Drinking straws appear to be the morning’s current fad as the entire team are choosing to drink their morning beverages through them for some unspoken reason. The team are told to make sure they pack everything ready for 10.15. They’re allowed to crumple their bedsheets too since room inspections are now complete which rooms 133 and 131 do gleefully.

Today’s matches are against Swansea A and B and Bridgend A and B, once again played in short timings, 9 a side, on a 7 a side pitch and in 7 a side goals with no penalty areas (at first anyway) and with no referees or linos. Again. All a part of the Welsh experience which it appears none of the Welsh coaches enjoy either. Far more worrying for the Gloucester coaches is that with four matches being played, it’s going to mess up the match reports in the diaries good and proper.

All the matches have the same theme, Gloucester have the majority of the possession and chances but struggle to squeeze the ball past a dozen players in front of goal. Swansea A beat us 1-0 with a breakaway goal with their second shot of the game. Swansea B are beaten 2-0 after two early goals from Misrobel and Whyda. Bridgend B are beaten 3-0 after Champ scores early and Spaghetti Laces finishes off two assists from Misrobel. Bridgend A finish off the morning beating us 1-0 from their only shot after a clearance isn’t made.

Plenty of positives from the non-goalscorers too, Reliable Renáe shows even greater match intelligence with her decision making. Moany, Phoebe/Phebey and Madame are solid in defence and in midfield when called upon. The Boss bosses another set of matches and deserves far more from the inch perfect through balls she puts on a plate for her team mates. Earlybird looks neat and tidy in possession, much like her room, and has great chances to score herself. Higgsy and Messy work up and down the pitch and show tonnes of aggression to make sure the ball goes back towards our goal as short a distance as possible.

And so with a final stop at McDonalds, the final tour of 2023/24 ends. Thanks to the families who joined us for any part of the tour, we hope you enjoyed the short and sharp football matches! I hope this blog helps you all feel involved in the whole experience. Vicki and I had a brilliant time and many thanks to the girls for making it so enjoyable for us too and for mostly staying in your rooms this time! But please. For the love of God. Bin your hideously ugly Crocs.