Thursday

A baying crowd gathers round the Finlay minibus as parents are eager to offload all, half or a third of their children for three days of relative peace. The instructions are to pack light with their GPSFA kit bag plus one small bag. Mother Higgsy anticipates her daughter pulling her usual trick of taking most people’s belongings home with her so packs an equally large bag in preparation.

Coach Coatie avoids the London tour for the first time in her GPSFA career due to temperatures plummeting below 15°C which keeps up her hunkered down in her Newent compound. Coach Vicki misses out as she’d rather not spend her half term travelling around with twelve squealing female children and instead chooses to spend it with twelve squealing female adults on a Hen Do up in Edinburgh. So, we’re joined by Coach John, a man blessed with boundless enthusiasm which will no doubt be tested to its limit on his first GPSFA tour.

We have swapped our schedule around this year with a shorter drive to Woking first of all. We have a short ten minute warm up which ends with a plea from Coach Ed that we win today. The Delaney-Bebber-Staten era had seen us play Woking fourteen times in sixty minute matches where we have a 0 – 1- 13 record and it’s beginning to feel like a curse.

The match starts in a cursed fashion as Gloucester resist any attempt to clear a weak ball into the area and allow Woking to take the lead in the first five minutes. The response isn’t befitting of a team who have produced, at times, mesmerising football for a side of their age. We make some chances which don’t test the keeper but we also make hard work of keeping the score at 0-1. The twentieth minute substitutions of Moany, Misrobel and Higgsy provides an uplift but not enough to summon an equaliser.

After the break, the girls create an opening for Maisie to drive forward and finish in the bottom corner with ease and it’s soon turned into a 2-1 lead. Higgsy overtakes several other Gloucester players to press the Woking goalkeeper into a mistake and buries it. The away support sing “Hiiiiiggs, Higgs will tear you apart, again” which inspires her into a driven through ball for Spaghetti Laces to hammer home into the top corner. Gloucester are cruising comfortably at this point and continue to push for a fourth but it never comes. A late scare is provided by Woking capitalising on Gloucester not clearing a corner with the visitors living nervously for the final ten minutes, relying on Reliable Renáe to hold on to the shots that test her during this period. The final whistle is welcome, not only is the curse broken, but we can put the game behind us and hope for better for the rest of the tour.

A five minute journey along the M25 leads us to the Holiday Inn in Hemel Hempstead where we’ll be staying for the next two nights. The girls are allocated their long awaited room partners. First up is 210 with Mylee and Spaghetti Laces. Further down the corridor is 214 with Higgsy and Maisie and across the corridor is 215 with Madame and Phoebe. Further on down is 218 with Misrobel and Millie. The room is non-smoking which means spluttering Millie must put out the first of many cigars before entering. Opposite them is 219 with Moany and Champ and finally 223 houses Ida and Reliable Renáe.

The first challenge is to be ready in eighteen minutes to go to TopGolf in Watford to play some adventure golf. Phoebe (or Pheobe as she will be called in countless diary team sheets in the next three days) starts off with the idea that the harder you hit the ball, the quicker it will go in the hole. Once she realises this doesn’t pay off, she ends up playing a logical game where she wins by twelve shots. In the other group, they brag about the number of hole in ones they’ve fluked and Moany wins with a score of two under par for the whole course to claim the best score in the team.

Dinner is at TGI Fridays where the girls order their meals with drinks arriving a full hour before the food forcing Coach Ed to make them play ‘the slow game’ where the last person to finish their drink wins. Nine of the girls couldn’t care less and down their soft drinks before the rules have been fully explained. At 7.30pm the food arrives and silence descends on the group for the first time today. Maisie is shocked that she’s the only one sophisticated enough to use a fork to eat as the rest of the rabble dive into their chicken tenders with their greasy mitts instead. Madame joyfully watches Phoebe/Pheobe drink the final remnants of her glass and celebrates by finishing hers. But Reliable Renáe has a curveball as she has ordered a Capri Sun whose contents cannot be seen. “Sacre Bleu!” screams Madame as her victory she has waited ninety-eight minutes for is stolen from her.

We make a return to the hotel for the girls to write their diaries about the day’s events with Coach John. Millie puffs away on her cigar, spluttering that she can’t find a pen that will work and Champ spells Gloucester with all the right letters, just in the wrong order. Meanwhile, Coach Ed carries out the room inspections, and bearing in mind the girls were in their rooms from 3:42pm to 4:00pm, where the scores range from eight for 223 all the way down to three for 214. 210, scoring four, have managed to go out for the evening, leaving both lights on while 218, scoring six, managed to do the same with their TV. 219, scoring five, have crumpled both of their duvets while 215 have managed a respectable seven. Misrobel’s Dad has made the safest bet of all time of £10 that she won’t be able to manage a room score of 10 each day during her time away and it has paid off in less than twenty minutes.

Attitude points have been dropped for being late (Moany, Ida, Millie, Higgsy and Maisie) forgetting kit (Moany, Ida, Millie, Spaghetti Laces) and being in someone else’s room (Moany). Eating points have been dropped by Mylee for leaving half of her Tesco wrap at lunchtime and Maisie and Reliable Renáe for not finishing their meal at TGIs. Match points are ruthless with Reliable Renáe, Maisie and Higgsy top scoring with 8 but the rest of the team achieving regular 7s and dreaded 6s. The girls are sent to bed at 9.30 pm with a wake up time of 7.30 am. Moany moans that 7.30 am is too early to wake up and says it’s not fair. Ida asks why we have to wake up so early. It’s only when you go on tour with Ida that you realise just how many questions she asks, usually beginning with “why do we have to…?” Maybe we should call her Whyda.

Friday

A late night phone call from the front desk tells us that we will actually have to be down for breakfast at 7.30 am, meaning it will be a 7 am wake up call instead. This catches the whole team off guard as Coach Ed has to knock twice before entering and finding every member of the GPSFA Girls asleep or in bed at least. Serial earlybird Mylee is the only one to accept this with a simple “ok” however at 7.30 am, Coach Ed surprisingly finds himself to be the last person in the corridor with everyone ready to attack their breakfast buffet.

Eating points are a huge topic of discussion in the dining area. Helpfully, tour veterans Whyda and Misrobel are keen to answer everyone’s questions about what they are allowed to leave (ketchup and bacon fat) which allows the adults to eat in peace. Higgsy and Champ panic over their choice of eggs not being up to their standard but valiantly finish them off anyway. Spaghetti Laces draws a stunned crowd as she eats a whole, raw egg for breakfast (the girls haven’t seen a boiled egg before).

After breakfast, we need to choose our meals for the evening where Spaghetti Bolognese and lightly battered chicken fillets are the top choices. Higgsy flaps over choosing beans or peas as she doesn’t like either and knows this could cost her some points. Madame asks “Où sont les escargots?” I tell her that there are no snails on the menu. “Sacre Bleu!” yells Madame.

We’re off to Wembley at 9 am and the team are told to change into their GPSFA tracksuit tops for the occasion. Ten of the girls match these with the bottoms but two choose not to. I won’t say who, but one of them moaned about having to wear them and the other asked “why do we have to?”

We walk up Wembley Way for the start of our tour and our guide, Albert’s face drops when he sees our tracksuits having had a harrowing experience with the B team the day before. There are plenty of opportunities for photos with famous shirts and posing in famous places. The Coaches observe the girls squealing over the players on display and roll their eyes before fan-boying over spotting AEW wrestler and tag team champion, Darby Allin, doing some promotional material up above us. “DARBY! DARBY!” scream the grown men in their thirties, as he does his best to ignore us. Moany asks “who is he?” and states “he looks scary” before finding out he’s famous and once he’s high fived them, she declares “I’m never washing my hand again.”

A quick walk across Wembley Way to McDonalds where the girls are requested to make simple orders only due to the crowd waiting for the machines. Ten of the girls are fine with keeping it simple but two aren’t. I won’t say who, but one of them moans they want something special instead and the other asks “why do we have to?” We eat them on Wembley

Way in full view of the stadium, which the team don’t really appreciate the uniqueness of, and they’re gawked at by plenty of boys of a similar age, who clearly still can’t believe that girls play football. “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, YOU MORONS?!” yells Phoebe/Feebee, in her head, probably.

Our evening game is against St Albans and it’s a huge improvement on the day before. The desire for the ball has increased as we battle, press and use our arms to make sure we keep hold of it as much as we can. An early goal comes from Whyda capitalising on a drop from the goalkeeper to set Misrobel who loops it over the keeper’s head. She returns the favour later in the half by sliding a perfect through ball for Whyda to round the onrushing goalkeeper to make it two nil.

The second half shows further improvement with long periods of possession around the St Albans defensive third and some excellent passing football is just missing the correct finishing touch. We add to the score as Misrobel assists again by hitting the post before the ball falls to Spaghetti Laces who tucks away from close range. Coach John is glowing at the final whistle, wishing the match could continue for another half an hour as he was so entertained. The watching supporters are in agreement and are far happier than they were yesterday.

We have a 7 o’clock meal time and the girls are showing their worst side by congregating in the corridor when they should be in their rooms, all apart from Whyda and Reliable Renáe lose an attitude point for this. A new problem arises at dinner where they find out they’re free to go to the toilet at this time, however they will lose an attitude point for their trouble. Spaghetti Laces holds herself for as long as she can before giving up and is soon followed by Misrobel, Maisie and herself again twenty minutes later. The only eating points are dropped by someone who doesn’t see the need to eat her final three baked beans. I won’t say who, but ten girls agree she should just eat them, but she moans that it’s ridiculous and another asks “why does she have to?”

During dinner, we are tipped off that someone on our floor has complained about noisy children so we split the girls into separate rooms for our diary session. Millie puffs on her cigar happily tonight as she’s finally found a pen that works. Champ spells Gloucester correctly with some guidance that it’s printed in the booklet three inches above where she’s writing.

The room scores show dramatic improvement as well. 210, 215, 218 and 223 all score perfect tens, too little, too late for Misrobel’s £10 bet. 214 drop a point for still having their bags on the floor and 219 drop a point for having a long hair in their sink. Naturally, Moany takes this well by fetching the hair out of the sink and showing it to anyone who will listen about how unfair it is based on the hair not being quite long enough to lose a point.

Saturday

It gets off to a great start, 223 are awake and answer the door at 7.30 in their full match kit but it goes downhill from there. 218 contains Millie snoring like a trooper and Misrobel hiding fully within her duvet. 219 are in a very grumpy mood, clearly regretting throwing a football around in their room, forty-five minutes after lights out. Higgsy is immovable in 214, it takes some serious leg shaking to wake her up and I don’t even get an “ok” from earlybird Mylee in 210.

The girls have breakfast while the ultimate room score test is undertaken by Coach Ed. 223 took advantage of their early morning by scoring eight, leaving their wardrobe door ajar and forgetting to open the curtains in all that time. Thankfully the cleaners from last year’s tours have been sacked and can no longer leave Whyda’s lights on. Remarkably, 219 also score eight but 210, 214 and 218 score six whilst 215 score a lowly five. The most common offences are crumpled duvets and lights left on and of course, 214 still haven’t discovered there’s a wardrobe to keep their bags off of the floor.

Choosing their final minibus seats of the tour is going well. Champ seems to finally have gotten the hang of the seating map after three days in a row and even gets her seatbelt on first time without telling us it’s broken (it never is). Moany isn’t happy with hers, it’s unfair. She’s in the same seat in the front row, by the window, the worst seat on the bus. Clearly, drawing seats out of a zip lock bag isn’t random enough and this is a conspiracy against her. Higgsy drags her two giant bags, bursting at the zips, onto the bus and is luckily sat in the seat with the most legroom. Weirdly, Maisie’s bags have got lighter. She can’t find a lot of her stuff but roommate Higgsy definitely hasn’t taken anything of hers. We’ll find out when we get back home.

A five minute journey around the northern section of the M25 and a view of Central London leads us to Barking and Dagenham’s new home at the Bobby Moore Sports Hub. The game takes the visitors by surprise and they are three nil down in twelve minutes, all three come from not taking the easiest opportunity to clear the penalty area before paying for it ten seconds later. We have our chances though, Maisie flashes a great cross across goal which Whyda fails to connect with. Whyda later breaks through on goal, rounds the keeper and is one kick away from scoring an open goal when she is tripped for a penalty. Misrobel dispatches confidently and Gloucester continue the remainder of the half with the greater share of possession and attacks at goal.

The girls look professional at half time, aware of their current superiority and enter the second half with confidence. Spaghetti Laces and Whyda both come close after being set free inside the area. Champ and Millie are filled with the spirit of the East End as they turn in their best performances of the tour. In defence, Phoebe/Phébé and Moan have gathered themselves after the bad start and are repelling anything that makes its way over the halfway line. It’s pointed out by the exasperated B & D coach, Chris, that in the eleventh minute of the second half, it’s the first time that his side have managed to touch the ball in Gloucester’s half of the pitch. An impressive achievement at any level of football. It’s all possession without penetration though as even passmaster, Mylee struggles to find the necessary gaps to set players free and the game ends with no further goals and not much to be excited by towards the end.

Before we set off, Higgsy makes her usual request, no matter what part of the country we’re in, that we stop at Beaconsfield Services (her favourite place to eat out) on the way back, which for once is answered with a “yes.” On the way, we play a game where we have to hold our breath when passing through tunnels reaching over six hundred yards. Moan moans that it’s impossible and that we’ll kill ourselves and immediately takes herself out of contention. Several others follow suit and Whyda declares “you lot are pathetic” thereby taking herself out too.

We enter The Greatest Services In The World, a place where Coach John has never entered. If you didn’t know, you could probably tell by his face of childlike wonder, like he’s just seen Darby Allin, as he sees KFC, Greggs, McDonald’s AND Sky Sports on a big screen, all in one room. “Où sont les jambes de grenouille?” asks Madame. They don’t sell frog’s legs here she’s told. “Sacre Bleu!” roars Madame. As we’re leaving, we figure out why Higgsy loves this place so much. “Free bottles of Smart Water” she tells her teammates. We quiz how this can be true. A sign that reads “stay hydrated” above a basket of the bottles has been misinterpreted and she’s told to put it back before being banned for life from her favourite eating establishment. Five minutes later, we’re back in Gloucester.

A fantastic first tour for so many of the girls. Two wins out of three. Six points out of six in the Southern Counties Girls’ League. Most importantly, a great experience shared with twelve like-minded mates for life.