As everyone gathered outside Longlevens, Knight was the last to arrive and joined the shower of kisses being planted on the stoic tourists’ as they fought to board the coach to Southampton. Price has the hardest battle but eventually escapes as his mum concentrates on holding back the tears. The excited group are finally allowed to set off on their week-long Jersey adventure.

The B Team touring party numbers were swelled by the Forans’ – Andy using driving the minibus as an excuse to enjoy his favourite holiday of the year once again, and his inseparable grandson Romeo, making his fourth visit to the festival. Andy’s mission as always appears to be to play as many pranks and annoy as many people as he can as well as pay for as many things as possible.

Fewings-Hunt survived the first flight he can actually remember even with having the added stress of sitting next to coach Harris. Knight decided to headbutt the seat in front of him for no apparent reason and to make sure it really hurt left his fold-away tray down and hit that with some force. Harris sympathetically laughed his head off.

Balding began to worry when his case was not on the baggage belt in Jersey until it was realised that the lonely case circulating belonged to Winters. As always, he had been in too much of a hurry and grabbed any random bag without checking. Balding was relieved. Winters was minus a point.

The annual competition to see who gets the worst minibus was unusually won by Foran. Power steering was something to be dreamed of. Coach Owen was loving life.

The first lunch showed that knives and forks are obviously illegal and their use should be avoided at all costs. At least when their use was pointed out to Winters, he picked up his goujons and stuck them on his fork and ate them.

Gorey beach was cold when the wind blew but this made no difference to nine of twelve boys as they raced the long distance to the sea. Only Price, Baldwin and Worrall showed any sense at all and stayed on the beach playing football. The cold sea gradually got the better of the brave nine and the football match grew in size by the minute. Knight took the long walk back on his own as the last man standing.

The boys are divided into three eating leagues based on past performance. The Premiership consisted of Baldwin, Fewings-Hunt, Morgan and odds-on favourite Knight. O’Connor, Devereaux, Price and Winters make up the Championship while Sheridan, Barnard and Worral form the Pig Farmers Division 7 Reserve League.

The evening’s walk through the park was designed to calm the excitement levels down a little, O’Connor had other ideas by hiding in the bushes and jumping out and scaring everyone. Devereaux liked talking so much that he is given the opportunity to have a little chat to Coach Harris all on his own. He likes it so much he invited Harris to two more chats that evening.

In the morning, the group are introduced to two fluffy toys that have to be lovingly cared for by the recipient and must never leave their side except for when they are actually playing a match. One represents something positive and the other for the more foolish happenings. The boys’ name them John Pork and Timmy.

Devereaux ‘wins’ John Pork for having a few nice chats with Coach Harris while Morgan receives Timmy for having an all-round good day and playing along so well when he is accused of many transgressions against Coach Harris at dinner.

The opening game against Jersey Whites is lost 3-0. It should have been against their B team but they arbitrarily decided to swap their teams around and their A team played. Gloucester did well to hold out until half time before conceding the first goal. Sheridan puts in a great performance. Morgan managed to arrive without his contact lenses in.

As usual, after playing a full game, playing an unofficial A v B game, what do you do when you go to the beach, yes, you play yet more football. Strangely, both sides won. Five brave souls ventured into the sea. Barnard, O’Connor, Knight, Fewings-Hunt and Foran junior were the daring quintet. Knight and Fewings-Hunt were docked points for forgetting their towels.

While having great fun watching the very animated Coach Harris react to every kick of the ball during the Liverpool, Arsenal game, Barnard tried his hand at matchmaking. Attempting to pair up a completely innocent and uninterested girl with Devereaux. Prompting chants of “Dante loves girls” all the way back to the hotel.

Knight eats two whole roast beef dinners as well as a starter and dessert. He begins to regret falling foul to three small lettuce leaves the day before, leaving Balding and Fewings-Hunt still with full eating marks. Devereaux continues to like his little chats with the coaches.

The terrible twins O’Connor and Barnard take to trying to scare me as I entered their room to wake them in the morning. The duo sat in the chairs, fingers steepled, chanting some strange mystic monologue in unison while staring straight ahead.

The scary twosome were not so together half an hour later as it is revealed that O’Connor has thrown his partner under the bus in the coaches independent questioning of them as to who is responsible for them continually losing points by forgetting their room key. Barnard ‘wins’ John Pork and O’Connor wins an earful from Barnard. Knight wins Timmy for his gut busting two-meal feat.

The team lose 4-0 to a very good Orpington B side. Morgan remembered his contact lenses but managed to get himself sent off for a foul.

aMaizin! Adventure Park is the overly expensive activity chosen for the afternoon. Yet again it does not have a maze made out of maize but does have many water-based activities. ‘I’m not getting wet so I don’t need…(insert from: towel, trunks, shorts or change of clothes)’ was the cry from six. Worral, Barnard, O’Connor, Devereaux, Balding and Sheridan all lost points as the attraction to a grass slide ending in a very wet and muddy pit proved too much. All available plastic had to be used to protect the minibus as the very happy group headed back.

The very necessary hot showers were interrupted by a fire alarm. All responded well, Sheridan did not. He tried to continue his shower and thought drying his hair was more important than evacuating the building. With the false alarm concluded and subsequent lecture delivered, all returned to their rooms. Worrall thought it would be a good idea to put all his wet clothes directly onto the heater. Coach Harris averted yet another fire alarm by removing them. Lecture delivered, all return to showering and drying clothes properly. Devereaux continues to request little chats with Coach Harris

The constant verbal abuse of the extremely nice coaches continues a pace during dinner. The usual suspects of Knight, Price, Winters, Barnard, O’Connor and Devereaux are joined by the incredibly polite Balding. He is given an extra attitude point for showing some attitude.

A game of scenario based 20 questions was played after Dinner. Worral, Knight, Morgan and Fewings-Hunt show their intelligence, the others do not. Sheridan’s intelligence remains unknown as he was unable to think of a single question during the three games. Worrall stood up for equality by protesting that in the first two scenarios it was men who had died. He got his wish and I changed the third to a woman being killed. Worrall was happy!

Worrall was presented with John Pork for getting the muddiest and wettest at aMaizin! Both without shorts, a towel or a change of clothes. Trying to burn the hotel down also came into the reckoning. Winters was the recipient of Timmy for a wonder tackle in the game.

The weather changed for the worst

Gloucester thoroughly deserved to win their match against St Albans B despite giving away a sloppy goal in the first minute. Barnard’s cracker from the edge of the area was just reward for his magnificent display. That was followed up by a Winters’ strike giving the yellows a 2-1 victory that everybody contributed to. Morgan remembers his contact lenses but makes another bad foul. He is not asked to leave the pitch this time however he is asked to forget his contact lenses for the next game. The travelling support was left in good spirits despite the rain.

The rain forced a change of plan and indoor swimming at Quennevais Leisure Centre was the favoured option. It was also the favoured option for the A team and a float battle ensued. Foran Junior made the difference for B’s and managed to take home the spoils. The afternoon was spoilt by Knight trying to sing ‘Wonderwall’ on the minibus on the way back.

Knight and Morgan were caught out of their room but incredibly Fewings-Hunt was with them. When Harris had recovered from the shock of him actually doing something wrong he docked the necessary points and reappraised his opinion of the new rebel-like Longlevens man.

I run a GPSFA quiz. The boys do well, as long as the questions are about the goals they have scored and their kit.

Balding succumbed to the size of the evening meal and dropped his first eating points. Rebel Fewings-Hunt was seen smiling and doing a clenched fist at Balding’s demise. Harris reappraised his opinion of rebel-like Longlevens man. Devereaux continues to request little chats with Coach Harris

The scary twosome pretend they are dead or still asleep, O’Connor gives the game away and they bicker. I leave them to it. Young Foran is rewarded with Timmy for helping the team beat the A’s in the pool while Fewings-Hunt gains John Pork. Worrall is so upset at having to hand over the cuddly character that he warns Fewings-Hunt that he knows where he is and he may die in his sleep.

The boys play well and restrict St Albans A to just two goals but unfortunately do not take any of the chances they create.

The weather holds out and Coach Harris turns photographer and holds a mass photo session with all of the travelling army of supporters. Price was seen giving his mum a goodbye hug and consoling her by patting her on her back in a parental way. Afterall, she has done well to cope with him being away.

As the weather forecast is predicting winds, the B’s opt for Plemont Bay in the hope that it will provide some kind of shelter. It does not but provides all of a fantastic view of the impending storm as it gathers force out at sea. The high waves and lightning made for a spectacular sight. Everyone piles back into the minibus in search of ice-cream. As Foran steers the minibus down the narrow lanes, he turns into an area completely exposed to the storm. He stops the minibus for fear of heading further into it. The wind caused the minibus to rock and shake. Foran worries about any damage to the minibus, I worry about all the paperwork I may have to fill in if there are casualties, Harris worries about his hair and the boys are having great fun on a ride right out of the film twister. There was a break in the weather and the minibus moved on in search of ice-creams once again.

I ran a football quiz. The boys did better, FIFA games are indeed educational after all. One picture of a footballer as a young kid eludes them all. They are less than impressed when it is revealed that it is none-other than Coach Harris. Harris ran a game called Cockroach Poker. An educational game as well, teaching them how to lie and cheat with style.

The waiter tried to get Sheridan to eat his meal by telling him that he will not serve him a pudding if he does not eat half of his omelette. Amazingly he tries and brings it straight back up. Amazingly, he tries again, succeeds and gets his pudding and saves losing yet another point.

The scary twosome were up to their usual tricks and this time tried and hide when I entered their room in the morning but O’Connor chose to hide behind the door and got squashed when I opened it. They soon start their bickering once again. I wondered how long have they been married?

Winters and Worrall were late getting to the meeting area for breakfast again and left their key in the room yet again. The reception staff know their room number off by heart. Sheridan gained John Pork for bringing his omelette back up and O’Connor received Timmy for his all round good day while continuing to be funny..

The match started in usual fashion, with Gloucester conceding a sloppy goal to Newbury A in the first few minutes. With less than 10 minutes to go and three- one down, the yellows begin to believe they can add to Winters’ goal. O’Connor flicks in a superb header to set up a great finale and when Winters is brought down in the area, Fewings-Hunt has the opportunity to equalise from the spot in the last minute. He holds his nerve, just.

All are given a hint that when they are in town, it may be a nice idea to not spend their money on themselves but think of their parents who have paid for the trip. Winters takes the hint and buys himself some expensive perfume. As usual, the dads do not fare too well in the present stakes.

Everyone was up for the cold outside hotel pool challenge. They lined up and without even testing the temperature, all jumped into the pool in a line. It was freezing. Worrall and Winters were first for once and jumped out immediately. Only Foran junior and Fewings-Hunt stayed in the pool and are crowned ice water kings. Sheridan never got back in, preferring to sunbathe in the shade. Eventually most went back in and earned some bonus points for bravery or more correctly, stupidity.

At Dinner, I went for the blue cheese as a dessert. Barnard had lost a couple of silly eating points and I gave him the opportunity to win one back by eating some blue cheese. He smelt it and declined. Morgan went for it. He did well before gagging on it. Coach Harris then decided to challenge others. Winters, Fewings-Hunt, Balding, Price and Devereaux give it a go. The gagging that followed was kindly filmed by Harris and shared with the world. Fewings-Hunt ate it as if it was a piece of chocolate. Harris wonders why he actually had some time to spare and then he realised he had not had any little chats with Devereaux.

Room inspection caused the old married couple to bicker again, this time about who is incapable of flushing the toilet. They lost room points for the third day in a row for the same transgression.

Price and Baldwin win the awards for being consistently happy and smiley, Baldwin takes John Pork purely due to him adding farts to his consistency attributes.

The final game against the true Jersey B side was played in torrential rain. Everyone put in a great effort and the game is exciting despite the conditions. O’Connor turned in Winters’ run and cross to give Gloucester the lead. They held on until ten minutes from time when Jersey squared the game and it finished appropriately in a draw.

Swimming at Quennevais was the afternoon activity as the weather ruled out any beach visits. This time the A v B battle did not materialise due to the number of families in the pools and Coach Harris in a bad mood. Barnard and newly rebellious Fewings-Hunt lost more points for forgetting their change of clothes yet again.

Price was the entertainment during the gala awards evening meal. After abusing Coach Harris he is sent to ask the St Albans team for a ‘long wait’. He waits for about five minutes before being sent back empty handed. He wondered why everyone was laughing at him. It was another five minutes until he realised. More abuse of Coach Harris ensued. Harris was in particularly vindictive mood and had told the captains of the A and B sides that they would have to do a speech when receiving the medals. They were so good, writing them out and practicing what they were going to say but were not too happy when they realised, they had been pranked. The speeches were not wasted as they presented them really well to the Gloucester teams after the meal.

Everyone did well with their packing and were ready for the final room inspection. Worrall, who continually proved that he is not a morning person, and Winters had other ideas though. They obviously thought that looking at their things was enough for them to magically pack themselves. They were given more time and were still the worst. Worrall had still somehow managed to dress in the wrong clothes for the journey home. Barnard lost another point for the old married couple by trying to donate his shower gel to the cleaners’ fund. The room of Knight, Morgan and Fewings-Hunt excelled by actually making their beds to chalet maid standard. Their reward was an extra point each and a lifetime of having to make their own beds.

Apparently, some of the parents loved Jersey so much, they stayed on for a couple of extra days.

The journey and flight home were fairly uneventful except for losing Coach Harris in Southampton.

There were many activities that could not be completed due to the weather, but they all still never stopped smiling, laughing and abusing the coaches at every opportunity. The boys played to the absolute best of their ability and worked hard in every game to come away with the equal second -best Gloucester B performance at the festival. It was a pleasure to take them away and they were a credit to their City, schools and parents, but I was still glad to give them back at the end of a great week.

Touring party:

Andy ‘Storm chaser’ Foran

Lee ‘I’m not fat’ Harris

Paul ‘I’m not fat or old’ Wixey

Romeo ‘Float king’ Foran

Fraser ‘Omelette’ Sheridan

Harry ‘Long wait’ Price

Reigan ‘Rebel without words’ Fewings-Hunt

Freddie ‘Fowler’ Morgan

Dante ‘Chat show king’ Devereaux

Arthur’ I hate listening to the coaches’ Worral

Ozzy ‘Too nice but farty’ Balding

Lucas ‘Scary one’ Barnard

Cian ‘Scary two’ O’Connore

Rhys ‘ Two-meals’ Knight

Toby ‘Where’s the key?’ Winters