Thursday

The first GPSFA girls’ tour of the year has been the topic of conversation since September and talk has only escalated in the past few weeks. Ten of the girls are ready to go by the leave time stated however Neverlate has made the terrible mistake of inviting her elder and less timely sister, Everlate in the car with her which results in her arriving later than normal but bang on time in her big sister’s eyes.

First stop is the Best Services In The World, Beaconsfield. A magical place which contains both a McDonalds AND a KFC and is the sole reason that Coach Jess survived five years as a GPSFA coach, knowing that at least once per year she would get to indulge herself in two of these meals whilst sat in the same room as both restaurants. Beaconsfield veteran, The Cockerel conveniently forgets her lunchbox on the minibus as she knows full well that it can’t compete with the options on offer whilst Evie makes a rookie error and chooses to leave her money behind as well to much regret.

After filling our bellies, we make our way to the Holiday Inn, Hemel Hempstead where, for once, we’ll be checking into the hotel beforehand. Room allocations have been a hot topic in the girls’ camp and the coaches receive a petition beforehand stating “We, the undersigned refuse to share any hotel room with ********* and ******* due to their loudness, annoying habits and the fact that we can’t deal with the relentless energy they possess.” The names have been blanked out for anonymity purposes and to save those two girls’ embarrassment.

In totally unrelated news, Poppy and Ida are boarding together in Room 238. The Gooners are in 229, Nieve and Flo are rooming in 228, Maybelline and Jezmon are sharing 227, Coach and Evie are housed in 225 whilst Neverlate and Eloise set their bags down, last as it happens, in 223. The girls are introduced to their diaries and are told they have been and will be watched like a hawk over the next three days as their Diary, Room, Eating, Attitude and Match points are in a constant state of surveillance.

Barking & Dagenham are our first opponents at Castle Green Leisure Centre on a 3G floodlit surface. The hosts are, as always, physically imposing and are quick to take the lead from distance when given room to do so. Gloucester respond within two minutes when Eloise cuts out a goal kick which falls to Evie who “fings it” (as she so eloquently puts in the later diary session) from the edge of the area into the corner. Gloucester compete well and a mix of Neverlate, Flo, Jezmon and Maybelline produce another solid defensive performance but B & D take another shot from the edge of the area into the far corner before half time to regain their lead.

The second half is far closer as Izzy comes into her own with easily her best performance of the season. She continuously finds space away from her gigantic markers and brings the rest of the attackers into the game with her hold up play and creates two decent chances which are not converted. Sadly, it’s all in vain when the home team scramble the ball over the line near the end, after a top drawer save from Coach, to score the final goal of the game.

We return to the hotel where we’re eating a buffet which consists of all manner of beige food products. The eating marks are on everyone’s minds, The Cockerel caws that she’s planning to retain all 30 eating points after the debacles of last season’s tours and celebrates wholeheartedly as she actually eats everything for once. The Gooners are in a similar mood and scrape the tomato sauce from their plates to ensure they maintain their score of 10. Eloise would win the prize, if there were one, of healthiest dinner as she uses the salad bar to bring some colour to her plate. Coach spots her roommate stabbing butter into her roll and takes the time to coach her into spreading it to save herself a hand injury. The jalapeños in Jezmon’s loaded nachos provide another added challenge for the team as they eat one and proceed to lick the air for the remainder of the meal time.

Diaries are enthusiastically completed with the main rule of an automatic deduction of 1 point should Gloucester be spelled wrong. Evie seems keen to test this by spelling it ‘Glouster’ on 3 separate occasions. Meanwhile Coach Ed, who is a FRIRI (Fellow of the Royal Institute of Room Inspectors) carries out the first room inspection of the tour. The experienced Maybelline teaches Jezmon all the tricks of the trade and finishes with a perfect 10. The equally experienced Coach unfortunately allows a crumpled duvet to occur in 225. The equally

experienced but slightly less meticulous Cockerel needs to work on her roommate, Ida, as she takes the blame for leaving a toilet lid up as well as the bathroom door open. The less experienced rooms show their naivety as 223 scores a 7, 229 scores an 8 and 228 score a miserable 5. How you can always leave a hairbrush neither parallel nor perpendicular (PPA) in your own bathroom is beyond comprehension.

The girls are sent to bed with the usual instructions of what constitutes an emergency (nothing) and what doesn’t constitute an emergency (everything) and this particular point is hammered home to The Cockerel. After spending the Friday morning of the 2022 London tour going from Coach Katie’s door to Coach Ed’s door no less than four times before 7am, she still has a tonne of goodwill to restore.

Friday

Well, well, well. How the tables have turned. Room 238 receives a knock on the door at 8am. No answer. Key card opens the door and the main lights are turned on. “Wakey, wakey,” cries Coach Ed from the hallway. No answer. Coach Ed walks into the room to see The Cockerel and Ida seemingly lying in state, none the wiser as to what is happening. Both girls wake up simultaneously in a confused state to see both coaches laughing at them and wondering how on earth this happened and how they got there. As The Cockerel will go on to say many times during the day, it’s not nice to be woken up before you’re ready to be. Funny that. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

The first experience of the Holiday Inn breakfast buffet is always a true test of character with regards to the eating points, but all twelve players come out with top marks. Someone dares to try and grass Eating Legend, Coach Cross up for not eating the piece of toast on the floor. First of all, she doesn’t have to and second of all, if it meant the Eating Legend losing her first ever eating point on a GPSFA tour, she would gladly wolf it down.

The girls are told to be ready for 9.45 when they will leave for their Emirates Stadium tour. Flo and Nieve in 228 misunderstand that we won’t actually be playing a match there so arrive

in the corridor fully dressed in their match kit with a drinks bottle in their hands. Luckily, they have time to change back instead of losing an attitude point for being late.

The Emirates Stadium is a first for the GPSFA girls and after being handed an audio tour it provides the adults with the first waking hour of silence since leaving Gloucester. It’s arguable as to whether Coach Katie even turned on the commentary, she most likely just opted for the silence. Resident Gooners, Rachel and Evie make the most of their day in their favourite team’s stadium and are happy to pose for photos and absorb their surroundings as much as they can. Izzy, on the other hand, looks as if she’s been asked to go on a trip to the National Dustpan and Brush Museum as she miserably (mizzerably) shirks away from as many photo opportunities as she can. The surroundings are majestic, the access provided is incredible, we even get to see Lee Dixon giving a VIP tour but it’s sad that there’s really little mention of their far superior Women’s team. Nevertheless, we all leave happy, except for Mizrobel, who was asked to pose for a photo or two.

After a stop at London Orbital Services for a small bite to eat, we go back to the hotel and change ready for our match against St Albans. Before the game, the girls are told of a five-year-old streak of GPSFA girls’ tours where they have never lost all of their matches whilst on tour. They’ve always won or drawn at least one match. This appears to inspire a few to make sure they don’t go down in history for the wrong reasons. The rest of the pre-match talk is aimed at two players; Nieve is told to run at goal more aggressively while Rachel is told to stop people running at goal more aggressively.

Both girls show an improvement in these areas straightaway as Nieve runs at goal quickly and directly and slots home to give Gloucester a 1-0 lead while The Gooner keeps her opposite numbers at bay. It is Gloucester’s best performance in months. Coach demonstrates great handling throughout and rarely bats anything away. Flo, Jezmon and Maybelline are all solid in defence, denying space impeccably. Eloise dribbles effectively down the right wing. Mizrobel displays superb all-round forward play and a shot hit with the sort of anger she usually reserves for having her photo taken in her favourite team’s stadium. Were it a 9-a-side net, it would have been one of our best goals of the season.

After half time, Gloucester build on their fine first half and dominate proceedings. Neverlate slots into the holding midfield role, her third position of the match and plays magnificently. The Cockerel has taken Nieve’s instructions on board and runs aggressively at goal, too. She’s rewarded with a goal as the keeper fails to handle her near post shot. Ida sees others scoring and is keen to get in on the action and scores our third from distance. And in a perfect encapsulation of our performance, we lose the ball on the edge of St Albans’ area and it is only due to a thirty-metre recovery run from our striker, Evie, that ensures the ball goes no further.

A quick return to the hotel before setting off to Frankie and Benny’s for dinner. The tables seemed to have been set out into one large nice table, and one small annoying table; Coach Katie kindly takes a pew at the latter. F & B’s have a Meal Deal-style menu with main, dessert and drink all included for one set price. A request is made for an upgrade to a Tutti Sunset which would add £1 per drink onto the final bill but since they’ve won their first game since mid-October, the purse strings are loosened for tonight. By sheer coincidence, Coach Ed introduces the girls to ‘The Slow Game’, where the winner is the last person to finish their drink. Evie couldn’t care less about this game and downs her orange squash in one go, all while maintaining eye contact as the rules of The Slow Game are introduced.

Pizza and burgers are the most popular choices, but Coach, Cockerel and Mizrobel receive respectful nods for ordering steaks. Jezmon orders a gluten-free pizza and to her surprise, they bring out the whole thing as opposed to the non-gluten-free two slices received by the others. She’s reassured that she won’t drop any eating points should she not be able to finish, but finish it she does. After eating an entire adult-sized loaded Nachos the night before and an entire pizza tonight, we start to wonder whether it’s time for a new Eating Legend to be crowned. Coach doesn’t take this well and offers to eat the contents of the pepper shaker to keep her crown.

The evening’s entertainment is a vote between bowling and the arcade before the bowling and the arcade just edges it. £1 coins are plundered relentlessly, tickets are collected gleefully and after half an hour and finding out Ida still has her somehow, everlasting £20 note, the

Coaches call it a night. Families will be pleased to know that around £158 of spending money is converted into around 12,000 tickets and then cashed in for £4.26 worth of sweets.

While the diaries are completed in near silence and in greater depth than before, the room checks are carried out. 223 score a perfect 10. 225 can’t manage to close a cupboard door fully. Maybelline has allowed 227 to slip having moved their room phone to the floor and left their bathroom door open. 228 show great improvement and only forget to put their chair back under the desk. 238 have left their light on although this is blamed on the cleaners that must work between 6.30pm when we left the hotel and 9pm when we return. 229 fall further still and receive a mizzerable score of 4.

Saturday

223, 225, and 227 are all awake, happy and nearly ready when doors are knocked at 8am. 229 answers but when told they have to change out of their fetching Adidas tracksuits and into their match kit, the door is shut mizzerably without a word. 228 have their room opened by key card and lights switched on; neither have their eyes opened when instructions are given about what to wear so who knows what they’ll come out in today. Normality resumes as 238 are awake and bound to the door at 8am. They’ve complained that they keep on losing attitude points for being late (two so far) as they are always the first door to be knocked on. They don’t agree with the logic that if we knock in the same order then everyone has an equal amount of time to get ready, so today they’re knocked on at 8am, the first of all the rooms and then at 8.30am, last of all the rooms. They then get their third attitude point of the tour docked for being late again. It’ll be four by the time we leave the hotel.

As the girls make their way to breakfast, the FRIRI carries out his favourite room inspection of the tour, the final morning one. The ultimate test of commitment to keeping your room tidy. 223 again score a perfect 10 and a Maybelline-inspired 227 returns to the top of the room scores with the same level of perfection. 238 have left their curtains shut while 225 have rushed a little too much and dropped 3. At breakfast, Nieve spots the FRIRI walk in late: “Have you done the room checks?” she asks ominously, with a face that really says, “Oh, no.” She’s right to be concerned, they’ve dropped 6 points. This is nothing in comparison to room 229,

who have achieved a big round 0. The list of crimes is extensive and Mizrobel takes the blame for most of them as it appears whatever she gets changed out of, she simply leaves wherever it lands as it falls from her body.

“Good morning, Eating Legend,” Coach Ed cheerfully greets Jezmon. “NAH, NAH, NAH, GOOD MORNING FROM THE TRUE EATING LEGEND,” interrupts Coach as she offers to eat her fork as proof of her legendary status. The Cockerel freaks everyone out by returning for plate after plate of fried mushrooms and threatens to call the Manager when the chef refuses to remove the lid for her on her sixth visit. Eloise innocently provides a fact that she’s heard somewhere before: “When two evenly-matched teams play each other, the team that’s playing in red always wins.” Coach Ed swallows his bacon hard, knowing that we’re playing the red shirts of Woking today.

Woking are the source of our least favourite statistic. In the Delaney/Bebber/Staten era (2017-present), we have only ever lost to them when playing sixty-minute matches. Some incredibly talented teams during this time have always been defeated. We’re currently on a mizzerable 0-11 streak with our most recent defeat of 1-5 in December fresh in the memory.

The streak appears to be ready to remain intact as a goal kick is intercepted inside our area in the second minute and finished in two touches to give Woking the early lead. We’re riding our luck as it is and after ten minutes Woking are given a gentle penalty which they fortunately blaze over the crossbar. The rest of the half is mostly in Woking’s favour and we survive an onslaught, mostly from goal kicks not being brought out successfully. Coach is asked for her thoughts at half time and offers a withering one-word answer: “Poor.”

The second half starts off better as we now have the wind in our favour and we are able to turn the hosts without much coming back towards our own goal. Around nine minutes into the second half, Eloise has taken the ball down the right wing and delivered a cross which evades the goalkeeper but not The Cockerel, who sidefoots into the top of the net for an unexpected equaliser. Subs are prepared as normal and while Nieve and Evie’s attention is being brought to the strength of the wind, the wind blows the ball past the defender and into The Cockerel’s path as she strikes across goal. The keeper doesn’t hold it and Eloise is able to

score her first Gloucester goal by following up the rebound. And it doesn’t stop, Gloucester create more chances than they have in most games this season, with Ida and Neverlate leading the charge admirably in centre midfield as we look for the final nail in the coffin.

Woking have a few chances of their own but nothing too worrying, until a cross from the right ends up at the back post and a hopeful chip goes over Coach’s head for a 57th minute equaliser. Eloise’s fact this morning is on Coach Ed’s mind for the final three excruciating minutes until the final whistle blows. The telling reaction of the team at the final whistle is one of ‘what could have been’. The disappointment on their faces to merely draw with one of the best district sides in the country is a drastic change of mentality from only two days before when they accepted a 1-3 defeat as if it were expected anyway.

The reaction of the supporters is wholehearted in praise and they’ve been rewarded with their own commitment to the tour by one win, one draw and one loss and two of the best performances we’ve provided in the whole season. A good time had by all.