Thursday 28th October 2021

The first GPSFA tour in twenty months for Coach Ed, the first GPSFA tour in twenty-four months for Coach Jess and the first GPSFA tour EVER for everybody else.

Based on the noise levels of the 21/22 season thus far, we can only assume that the parents were looking forward to ridding themselves of their children for three days onto two hapless victims as much as their children were looking forward to it as well. “I’ve messed up and left her lunchbox in the fridge at home” worries Mother Poppy. “Well you can either pop back and get it or you can give Poppy some extra money for the services” suggest the coaches. An easy choice for Mum who empties her purse rather than shortening her three days of peace and quiet away from the GPSFA Girls’ resident air raid siren for any more than she would like to. The sheer joy of all the adults is only interrupted by a surprisingly emotional Father Tomo who dabs his eyes with his handkerchief as he waves goodbye. “The hardest part of fatherhood is watching them grow up before you’re ready to let them” he sobs.

First stop is Michaelwood services where the girls need to boost their energy reserves with their packed lunches and Coach Jess need to replenish her daily Vitamin KFC. Once the girls have finished their sandwiches they set to work on getting rid of their £30 spending money as Aaliyah and Mabel pool their money together in a merger to create a sweet conglomerate that they can keep in their room(s) for the next three days.

We arrive for our first match for Caerphilly vs Gloucester in the “Cheese Derby” at Blackwood Comprehensive School where on arrival we discover that Esther has her shorts on back to front. It’s going to be a long tour. The pitch we’re playing on is an impressive looking 3G surface and we’re relieved that the rain which has been forecast still hasn’t appeared.

Forty seconds after kick off, the rain finally appears and doesn’t relent for the entire match. Sideways rain that soaks every person to the bone which dampens no only the mood, but everything in its path. Caerphilly take an early lead from distance and add to their score soon after as Gloucester take some time to get going. Eventually, Sophie, Tomo, Poppy and Paige start to get fed up with being pushed around and take no more prisoner with superb fighting spirit shown at keeping Caerphilly away from our goal. Esther begins to sprint like Sonic the Hedgehog and leaves the Caerphilly defenders flabbergasted by her pace, or maybe by the fact that she’s wearing her shorts are the wrong way round, as she attacks them relentlessly.

The first change sees a brand new player emerge for Gloucester in Ava Rosenberg who seems to have finally taken on board the message about battling for the ball as she uses every part of her body to make sure that she either wins it or keeps hold of it as she begins to inspire the rest of the team. On the sidelines Poppy asks “how many halves are we playing today?” Fractions is clearly not her strongpoint.

The second half (for there are only ever two, Poppy) sees Gloucester start to test Caerphilly a little more but leaves us exposed for two fantastically executed goals, one of which would have been disallowed by an assistant referee were the game played in England. Later on, a mix up which sees Aaliyah pick up a back pass results in the indirect free kick being scored to make it 0-5.

As the final whistle goes, the girls strangely let out a roar of laughter as it dawns on them how drenched they’ve become and they’re quickly whisked off the pitch by Coach Jess to find the changing rooms and change out of their kit before hypothermia sets in. As Izzy correctly notes later on, there’s no rain like Welsh rain.

There are two options for the drive to the Holiday Inn in Neath. The traditional route past the bleak drudgery of Port Talbot or the majestic views of the Brecon Beacons. We take the scenic route to treat the girls however we’re greeted with indifference when we tell them to admire the landscape from the window. Tomo tells Coach Jess that she has spent time this week researching the restaurants around our hotel to find out where we might be eating. This immediately gains the respect of Coach Jess who has already done the same and worked out the distance of all KFC and McDonalds establishments in reach of our hotel.

We check in and allocate rooms. Aaliyah, Maisie and Millie are in Room 105, Paige and Izzy opposite in Room 106, Poppy and Mabel in Room 129, Tomo and Ava in Room 131 and Sonic and Sophie in Room 132. Coach Ed checks into his room distraught to discover that there’s some sort of Hen Party going on next door. Music blaring from the TV, dozens of female voices shrieking and screaming and what can only be a large amount of Prosecco to be responsible for the noise. Checking his room number, it’s 127. He’s sharing a wall with Poppy and Mabel, possibly the loudest combination possible. It’s going to be a long tour.

The girls are asked whether they would prefer Dominos or McDonalds for dinner with pizza just edging to victory six votes to five. The survey then asks which type of pizza with Pepperoni and Margherita being the most popular. Sonic simply says “Chicken.” Questioned further she repeats “Chicken” as her eyes go black and she starts salivating with her teeth bared.

After overestimating the amount of pizza they would eat, the girls settle down to do their tour diaries. They’re introduced to the GPSFA DREAM mark system where they are scored each day on their Diary, Room, Eating, Attitude and Match performance. The match reports are low in effort to begin with consisting of such gems as “They scored 3 goals” and “It was alrite.” The highlight of the session is Sophie’s incredible handwriting which looks as if it’s been typed out on a computer.

The rooms have been scored during this time with the most popular crimes being bags left on the floor, clothes on the floor, towels on the floor, leaving the toilet seat up and leaving the bathroom door open amongst many others. 131 scores highest with 5, 132 is next with 4, 105 with 2, 106 with 1 and to no-one’s surprise, 129 with a big fat ZERO.

Eating means anything you have on your plate being left means marks are taken off. “Even for crusts?” ask the crustphobic girls, “especially for crusts” reply the coaches. Miraculously the crusts are all eaten (something to note, parents). Fortunately for Izzy, not drinking water doesn’t reflect on her score as she seems to have an aversion to it as if she’s made of fire.

Attitude marks are dropped by the Slingers for forgetting their water bottles and tracksuit tops after today’s game as well keeping everyone waiting after changing. Coach Jess somewhat harshly takes a point off of everyone for their slowness at getting their bags together to change into their dry clothes earlier. In her defence, Jess was cold, wet and hadn’t had a KFC for nearly two hundred minutes. Izzy earns a point back for tidying up a napkin at dinner and Ava gains one for her fetching yellow and black fingernails that she has painted for the tour.

Friday 29th October

The 8am wake up call is answered promptly by Mabel and Poppy who have proven themselves to be good people after all by not waking Coach Ed up in spite of being out of bed for several hours. This act of kindness means Poppy has now risen to Coach Ed’s ninth favourite in the team. 105 and 106 are slightly less enthusiastic at opening the door but 131 and 132 are both fast asleep with the latter not even rising to answer it. Both rooms must regret staying up to chat two hours past bedtime. The BBC weather forecast looks ominous as a blue smudge washes over the length of Wales only for the next twenty four hours and it’s no surprise to hear from Swansea coach Steve to tell us that the grass pitch for today’s games is unplayable. Thankfully, he has managed to find a 3G pitch available for us in Heol Maes Eglwys, Cwmrhydyceirw (which is pronounced exactly as it’s written FYI).

The girls help themselves to cooked breakfasts where not a single eating point is dropped and the Slingers demonstrate their ferocious appetite for sausages that we first saw at Longlevens a few weeks back. The hotel staff give us a five minute warning that the breakfast food will be packed up which panics Coach Lee into returning to the buffet to grab his second helping of three sausages, scrambled egg and beans. Poppy then refers to Coach Paul as ‘the fat one’ which makes her annoy yet another coach.

The girls are given twenty minutes to brush their teeth, pack their kit into their bags and do whatever else is necessary before we head to The Mumbles to play on the arcades. Maisie finds time to play Uno rather brushing her teeth, Ava and Sonic forget to bring their money and upon further questioning the Slingers and Aaliyah decide that they would probably be better off bringing their boots to today’s game rather than leaving them on the shelf in their room. Attitude points dropped for all.

The Mumbles is picturesque and surprisingly sunny despite the forecast although all the kids are interested in are the variety of games machines on offer. The ‘Change Machine’ seems to be getting the most action as the girls seem to misunderstand that they’re not actually winning the money that pours out when they pop a tenner in.

We stop for lunch in the café next door. Coach Jess collects the orders where the Slingers gleefully get their second helping of sausages of the day and Sonic replies “Chicken” before Jess even finishes the rest of the choices. Tomo and Paige complain that they have to share a plate between them so they’re given some of Izzy’s to share too. The hubris goes out of the window when they drop eating marks at the end of the meal for leaving chips behind.

We move onto today’s venue for our match against Swansea for the third time in four weeks. Swansea have demolished us on each occasion so Coach Ed is full of dread when he sees the kind of warm up that can only be caused by full bellies and a late night. It’s no surprise when Swansea take the lead after some sustained pressure with a superb individual goal. Gloucester respond well with some resolute defending and just before half time, Millie slides a beautiful weighted through ball into the path of Sonic who collects herself before prodding the ball past the goalkeeper.

Disaster strikes at half time as nature calls for Paige meaning we have to play someone new in the position that Paige has made her own so far this season. Ava and Izzy graft in centre midfield but Swansea have a spring in their step and bring wave after wave of attacks. It’s a miracle that Gloucester keep them at bay for the time Paige is away and the back three of Sophie, Tomo and Poppy along with Aaliyah in goal deserve plenty of plaudits for how they managed this . Her return, brings back a sense of calmness and in the 54th minute she knocks another through ball into Sonic’s feet who again pokes past the Swansea goalkeeper to give Gloucester the lead.

The next six minutes are again dominated by Swansea and Gloucester get a little jumpy with players vacating their positions and forgetting the basics. This results in Mabel being left 2 v 1 at the back and Swansea emphatically equalising after sixty minutes and ten seconds. The girls have done amazing to compete so much better than they have on previous occasions and although the draw will be disheartening it’s only fair that…. AND ESTHER HAS SCORED WITH THE FINAL KICK OF THE GAME AFTER SIXTY-ONE MINUTES AND TWENTY SECONDS. A mazy run from Sonic sees her PUNCH (as someone wrote in their diary) the ball into the near top corner to give Gloucester their first win at District level this season. They’ll be dancing in the streets of Coney Hill tonight.

At the final whistle, the heavens open in a symbolic manner much like after the Rumble in the Jungle as everyone connected with Gloucester is filled with joy. We’ve had a great turnout in the stands today and the girls are ordered to celebrate with their fans. “But I’m on tour…” moans Ava. No-one is more pleased than Father Tomo who dabs his eyes with his handkerchief once more “I can’t believe they’ve finally done it,” he blubs, “sometimes the greatest victories are the victories we make for ourselves.” The remaining parents roll their eyes and edge away quickly.

Izzy and Paige have very kindly offered to use their room as a base for team bonding in the afternoon. They’ve also said that if Jess can’t complete a Rubik’s Cube in less than ten minutes they should be allowed to stay up until midnight. The coaches counter that for every minute that Jess takes under those ten minutes, their bedtime will be reduced by half an hour. The girls jump at the chance of this easy victory but little do they know that this is Jess’s party trick and she completes it in 3 minutes 28 seconds. The last few moves are even completed behind her back, leaving the girls with a bedtime of 8.30pm.

After an afternoon of watching ‘You’ve Been Framed’ the girls and boys both take the short walk for dinner at the Harvester next door. The Slingers are lost without sausages on the menu and drop eating points for leaving a mixture of burger, chips and sweetcorn. Sonic orders “chicken” before the server asks her what she’d like and inhales it to keep all eating points intact. Aaliyah heroically finishes off her own chicken breast to keep all of hers too. Tomo, Paige and Sophie annihilate their dinners, leaving their corn on the cobs like they’d been left with a hungry caged bird. Sadly, Mabel and Izzy drop two eating points each and an unusually quiet Poppy feels sick midway through the meal so can’t finish her dinner off to drop three.

During the diary session Poppy is back to normal and has found a new lease of life which causes Coach Jess to grumble “I preferred you when you were sick.” Coach Ed carries out the room inspections and a huge improvement is on show. 105, 129 and 132 all score 8, while 106 and 131 drop a single mark each for leaving the bathroom light on and not having their toiletries in their washbag respectively. More effort is made with the diaries and takes them all the way to their 8.30pm bedtime. Just before that, we’re able to sneak in a game of ‘5 Second Rule’ as the girls are split into teams according to rooms. 105 come in last place after naming a hammer as ‘something you can cut things with’ and 129 and 132 place in the middle. The play off between 106 and 131 involves naming as many types of potato as they can in ten seconds. 131 flounder as they can only think of imaginary types such as “dry potato” and “wet potato” to seal victory for Paige and Izzy.

Saturday 30th October

The girls are given a lie in until 8.30am as there is no match today. Once again, Mabel and Poppy have excelled themselves by not waking up their neighbour and Poppy quickly rises to eight place in the league table of Coach Ed’s favourite team members. Sonic and Sophie are the only ones still asleep at this time but do grace us by answering the door. Sophie complains that she barely slept as Sonic is a snorer. Sonic can barely string a word together because she’s so tired. While the girls attend to the buffet the final room inspection is carried out. 105 score a perfect 10, 129 go from 0 to 9 in just two days, 106 score 6 (the TV left on being one of the crimes), 131 score 7 but 132 slip back to a disastrous score of 4.

Breakfast sees no eating points dropped again as Izzy powers through a piece of bacon so as not to let the team down. Coach Lee complains that even though he’s tired, he’s glad he got an extra hour because the clocks went back. He almost faceplants his scrambled eggs when we break it to him that’s not until tomorrow. Coach Paul is busy writing names down of the girls that have called him “the fat one” and a “granny driver” to single them out for a gruelling fitness regime at Monday’s training session. Sophie disagrees with this so gives him her dirtiest, sassiest look which results in him crumbling, rethinking his life and sitting back down like a puppy, letting Sassy Cerrone off the hook.

On the way to the leisure centre, we’re treated by the girls to a medley of hits such as ‘Twinnem’ by Coi Leray which apparently goes, “Go best friend, mnnhmmm mnnhmmm, go best friend, younoomurmhm, jabunhuhumn murmaganum” and later on the classic Rihanna song ‘Work’ which apparently goes, “Work, work, work mnhimumnum durk durk durk moraminuhum bur bur bur fnimumhum.”

We’re early for our slot so we take a stroll on the marina before heading to the beach. Once again, the sun is shining which makes for a fantastic experience and some great photos to boot. At the LC the girls are treated to slides, a lazy river and a wave machine. Through the viewing gallery we can see teamwork and bonding that only a GPSFA tour can bring out in a group as they leave no-one behind making their way from one feature to the next. They get given their five-minute warning which makes them disappear for at least twenty minutes out of sight of the viewing gallery to extend their time for as long as possible.

The journey home sees the full wrath of Welsh weather take course as we’re inundated by rain. We make our final service stop at Cardiff Gate as Jess’s KFC levels have dropped dangerously low. She responds by ordering three separate meals, dropkicking the girls out of the way on the way to the counter. Tomo accidentally orders three boneless banquets from the self-serve machine, although Coach Jess can’t see the mistake, and she needs to find a buyer for the final box. Before she finishes offering it out, Sonic attacks the box as if it were chum in a shark tank and devours the fried chicken inside whilst Sassy looks on in shock.

The girls do their traditional move of understanding the five-minute warning to leave to mean they can start buying their final items in five minutes time which results in us leaving seven minutes late. They make up for it on the bus with their group dancing to Radio One Dance Classics in the rear-view mirror which provides some good entertainment for the coaches.

The parents look well rested when we return and are happy to take their daughters back. Their first GPSFA tour has been a success all round. No drama, no illness, no lost or drowned children and as the parents will find out when they get in the car, no showers had on the Saturday. Father Tomo is once again full of emotion as he bawls “look at them, they’re no longer little girls; they’re little women” before blowing his nose in his already sodden handkerchief. “Is he for real?” one of the parents asks.