When we arrived at Longlevens, bang on time or as the parents put it, last, all were stood in their favourite spot, 10 metres away from the minibus. We still have not worked out whether they just don’t like us or Harris’ aftershave but they were persuaded to come a little nearer…eventually. With final kisses planted we were off, the boys celebrating two nights of freedom from their parents and the parents, well they waved their off-spring off with a little too much enthusiasm, obviously looking forward to a more peaceful few days of their own.

The short services stop was really a chance for us to have some respite from the bedlam of the minibus. Back on the bedlam bus the main topic of conversation turned to the hotel and who would be rooming with who and the facilities there. Hosepipes for showers, Dixon sharing with yours truly and could Ali share with Glanville. All silly suggestions. Ali is booked in for a brain scan. It starts to rain.

The rain gets heavier as we approach Caerphilly. Harris is a little dumbfounded by the hosts reply of “No changing rooms, it’s a school what do you expect” to his request for somewhere to change. The minibus makes a great changing room if you are bendy and double jointed. Dixon is not impressed. The long covered-walkway to the pitch is a great relief but everyone is drenched within 5 metres of it ending.

The most memorable thing from the match is that it rained…a lot. My notepad got soaked, my phone got soaked and my waterproof clothing got soaked. Apparently, we lost 2-0. Thanks to all the drenched supporters who made the journey.

The minibus makes a great changing room if you are bendy, double jointed and like steamy and sweaty spaces. Dixon is not impressed. The windscreen takes about an hour to clear, about the same time as it takes Glanville to change. Harris and I are happy to sit in soaked clothing for the rest of the journey to the hotel. Our next topic is; ‘Why do we do this?’

As he sits there steaming, Harris has a moment of inspiration and the genius organises the rooms in the order they are sat in the minibus. He is booked in for a brain scan. He phones the names through to coach Delaney who is nearing the hotel with the girls squad. Ali is with Glanville! Delaney has a moment of inspiration and allocates the furthest away from us boys’ room to Ali and Glanville. He is booked in for a brain scan.

The damp and still steaming group receive a nice welcome from Jason at the hotel and all set about making as much mess as they can in their spotless rooms. Stokes, Kelly and Sadler win.

Nobody fancies getting drenched again and Pizzas are ordered in. The hotel’s Jason cleverly allows the two squads to use the meeting room free of charge. The meeting room is just out of noise range of the main restaurant/bar. Each group devour their nine large pizzas. Pepperoni is the obvious favourite. Hodges and Kelly lose the first DREAM marks of the tour by leaving their crusts. Only a few wish to phone home. Dixon asks to phone his dad. Harris does not have his number and ask him if he knows it. Dixon replies he doesn’t as he is in Africa. Harris hides his phone.

The girls demonstrate how to get on with their diaries while still talking. The boys manage half of that, the talking bit. When the girls leave the room the noise level drops. Unbelievable but true and they finally get on with actually writing something.

The first room inspection goes well for most. Savioli and Dixon are obviously waited on hand and foot at home. To them the word ‘tidy’ is just a word spoken by Welsh people on Gavin & Stacey. Badhitty complains that in a listing his name is spelt with an ‘on’ at the end and not ‘an’ as it should be. ”There are no o’s in my name” he continues. He is called Janathan from then on, deducted a point for lying and a further point for arguing. Middlecote and Howard are dumbstruck when their perfect rooms are deducted marks because the smoke detector is not in the centre of the ceiling. Glanville is adamant that it’s the fault of the door not his that the shoes are in the middle of the room, as when he opened the door to the adjoining room it moved the shoes. That door was probably to blame for his other lost marks no doubt. Already everyone on the floor knows exactly which room he is in, including non-GPSFA guests.

Harris has own way of waking up people in the morning, by throwing pillows at their heads. Dixon and Savioli win the award for smelliest room. Savioli points the finger straight at Dixon. He doesn’t disagree. Kelly is deducted a point for cherry knocking or rather being caught cherry knocking. Others are just better at it than him. Glanville loses another attitude point, no doubt it was the door’s fault again. All enjoy their breakfast with no eating points lost.

Both teams head for the Mumbles and the arcade. The girls proved that they can be just as cheeky and hurtful as boys when one, Sophie, remarked that I reminded her of her Nan driving when parking the minibus. Coaches Delaney and Bebber compounded my misery by awarding her an extra two points.

Dixon shows his strength by scoring 550 on the punch ball, Sadler gets near at just over 500. Ali steps up and swings as hard as he can and gets 61. The would be Tyson Fury skulks away ever so slightly embarrassed. Stokes wins the first cuddly toy and Baddhity gains the most tickets, 652 of them. Slinkies are the favoured prize. Dixon nearly passes his getting dressed all on his own certificate but in the lunch queue it is noticed that he has his trousers on backwards. Hodges does his best to save the staff some washing up by not using his cutlery. He is awarded the Cave Man award.

Swansea did very well to re-arrange both B-team and Girls team games within a very short time after all matches at the University were called off. A good Swansea team with their academy players back were just too strong for Gloucester and they ran out winners by four goals to nil.

Coach Bebber is challenged by her charges that she cannot complete a Rubik’s cube in under 10 minutes. The girls being allowed to stay up to midnight if she fails while success means they go to bed half an hour earlier than planned. She does it in half the time and the last bit behind her back. Harris and I book a course in readiness for the next tour.

A slap up three course meal is on the agenda for the evening. The Harvester is the lucky destination. Dixon nearly wakes up for the occasion. The bottomless drinks become a challenge that all partake in. Glanville’s door is to blame once more and Ali gives us his Michelin guide view on the sweetcorn “The juice makes your insides taste like pickles”. On the way out Middlecote and Sadler decide to sample more of the non-touch salad bar. They did try sampling it on their second exit having apologised to the staff.

Diaries take half the time of the previous night as all are separated and talking is reserved for the two grown-up enforcers. Amazingly, they all do much better.

The door is up to its tricks again and has to take an early night. Savioli and Dixon finally realise the maids are not on 24-hour call and nearly double their room score. Sadler, Stokes and Kelly are dumbfounded when they are deducted marks for the headboard not being level.

The morning starts with that door being caught cherry knocking on other doors! Hodges is a lightweight at breakfast while Dixon leaves a quarter of a teaspoon full of scrambled egg and wastes a whole point. Those mean girls emblazon cruel messages across the white board, casting further aspersions on my driving expertise and Harris’ bathing habits or his aftershave. He tells them he doesn’t stink as he baths every two weeks whether he needs it or not. Monday’s training session could be interesting! Final room inspections go quite well but Baddhity and Hodges do their best to try and get out of cleaning their teeth forever by leaving their toothbrushes in the bathroom. The two marks were the first room ones they had lost all tour.

A quick random quiz shows that Messer’s Stokes, Kelly, Ali, Baddhity, Howard and Middlecote are the brains of the team and the others are not.

Afan Nedd also have their Swansea academy players available and show a lot of quality as they rack up a 4-0 win against the B’s, playing their third game in three days. The final whistle is greeting with a sudden deluge, soaking the whole team once again.

Harris begins to enlighten me on his views of the world. I remind him he has to mark the diaries and bag-up the sweets. Thankfully it takes him the whole journey home to complete the tasks. The intelligent coach wondered why I had not bagged the sweets up beforehand. The experienced coach just pretends not to hear and smiles to himself. Thankfully the door has remained in Swansea.

A good first tour apart from the football that is. London here we come.

Touring party:

Kelly, Middlecote, Stokes, Hodges, Howard, Sadler, Glanville, Baddhity, Dixon, Ali, Savioli, Harris, Wixey, mean girls team, and of course, the door.