Friday

It’s St George’s Day and an array of red & white flags flutter gracefully above the patriotic street parties taking place in the Longlevens suburbs. Or they might be, if anyone realised what day it is. It does seem however, that Man for All Seasons has cottoned on and entered into the spirit of things by purloining a brand-new pair of bright orange and red and pink and every other psychedelically-inspired fluorescent hue that you can imagine in your worst possible nightmare pair of boots, that are so utterly shocking, they make Lucas Simpson’s (2019/20) garish pink panthers and Alex Knight’s (2017/18) rubberised red slippers seem almost palatable.

Also up for a bit of a celebration today is Boris, who’s taken ownership of an eight-week old Labrador puppy which he’s decided to christen Marvin. According to Google, the Motown singer, Marvin Gaye is the world’s most famous ‘Marvin’, closely followed by Marvin Lee Aday (aka Meat Loaf) and Marvin Minsky, an American computer scientist. Never heard of him.

Inspired by this search for useless facts, we discover that the world’s leading ‘Montys’ include Panesar, Python and Full, with Gardener Don way down in ninth spot. How utterly disappointing for the Barnwood Perennial.

The groundsman rings to say the field’s been cut and the pitch has been marked and despite suffering from a badly bloated small intestine, half a dozen nasty gall bladder stones and a 24-hour dose of Yellowjack, he was at GL2 by half past five and apart from a brief visit to the restroom, hasn’t stopped for at least seven and a half hours. He’s done eight till ten, then.

Captain Cooper arrives at OSP bright and early and immediately enquires as to whether the Tesco Smartie shelf has been restocked and if so, will there be any post-match colour-coded sugar-coated chocolate confectionery available tomorrow. The answer to both questions is a resounding ‘No’. The Freemason’s in typically positive mood, having escaped the hairdressers for a second week running by Harry Houdini-ing around his mum’s crimping shears and hiding behind the buffalo horns back at The Lodge. ‘Let’s go,’ says Coach Stalley at three minutes to five, clearly enthused after reading his FA Guide to tennis ball soccer and the arrival of the Ninth Don a hundred and eighty seconds earlier than usual.

Saturday

Every day is a good day, but some are a little better than others and today may just turn out to be one of them. 6.15 and the sun is already up and the sky an azure blue, though a visit to the Internet reveals Paddy Power’s odds on a GPSFA Super Saturday triple are a lot longer than you might want them to be.

JK is again waiting at the big green gates and the Girls’ (parents) Ground-building Group are on parade bright and early, with shades and shorts the order of the morning. There’s a fair bit to do inside, with sausage & chips back on the menu, tables and chairs to arrange on the patio and a prolonged shift with a bottle of Domestos and a straight-out-of-the-wrapper scouring brush that suggests the groundsman’s Friday morning comfort break might have been somewhat longer than he originally suggested.

Coaches Edwards and Bebber give Bruce (Forsyth) the Chef his first cash sale of the day, while Coach Harris sets up the new card reader, a contraption which needs several demos before the chastened kitchen staff come to terms with how it works. With each trial requiring him to click in a pound from his highly impressive chip & pin watch, we’re well on the way to a tenner before everyone’s fully clued in.

Swansea are travelling by the Heads of the Valleys ‘northern’ route to avoid the M5 which is closed for the day, but despite the detour, all are safely gathered in for the girls to kick-off at ten-thirty on the dot. Maddie Evans’ player profile in today’s match programme reveals her ‘Hope for the season’ is to score a goal – any old goal – and on twenty-three minutes, after almost two years of trying, the great moment finally arrives with the purest of strikes into the top left corner. Just two minutes later, there’s a second once-in-lifetime moment, as Monty Don arrives way before anyone else, causing several people to noticeably wipe their specs, rub their eyes and put three fingers up in front of their face to check whether they’re imagining things. The mirage is indeed reality, though and The Gardener basks silently in the early morning rays, the tiniest hint of a smile flickering across that usually stonewall visage.

Then suddenly, out of the blue, Marvin arrives and as the pair of ‘Usually Last Men’ stand proudly by the corner flag, taking in a few glorious rays and a tad of unlikely acclaim, everyone knows that this is not going to be any ordinary day.

On the field, the Girls lead 3-0 going into the final quarter, but the visitors pull back to 3-2 before Holly Myatt completes a hard-earned victory just moments after blazing a penalty high over the crossbar. A place in the second round of the National KO is sealed and they will now entertain St Albans in a fortnight’s time here at GL2. Can the boys repeat the feat?

We have a Celebrity Ref in charge today and he very much looks the part, as do Swansea, who come out of the traps much the quicker of the two sides and their incisive pass and move style spells danger every time they press forward. The only Gloucester player moving quickly enough to keep up with them is Triple B, who sprints from the subs’ bench round to the pavilion table to rescue the half-time goody box, the contents of which give a pretty good indication of what’s on offer at our local Tesco this week.

Twice the Whites go close before Halliday, not unexpectedly, fires them ahead with a quarter of an hour gone. Just two minutes later however, the city side are level, Rhodes refusing to give up on a ball that looks destined to roll out for a goal kick and whipping a great cross into the back post where Triple B, fresh from his recent food-retrieval sprint, powers in a header for a spectacular equaliser. This week, the smile is immediate – and rightly so.

Five minutes before the interval, the Swans are back in front with a well-crafted and equally well finished goal from Hanlon that sends the black & yellows into the break a goal behind and with chins sagging low. Captain Cooper rolls his eyes at the contents of the big plastic container, Marvin searches forlornly for a melting Jaffa or ten and the Hillview Hurricane announces he’s struggling with a knee problem and needs to sit out the second half. Disappointment all round, then.

The onset of the second period sees a big difference however, in the hosts’ body language and a renewed determination to compete on an equal footing with their talented opposition. Triple B, Rhodes, Captain Cooper and Two-Foot (60 centimetres, for those who haven’t yet moved on from 15th February 1971) are full of running and far more competitive in midfield, while Monty Don ploughs a lone furrow up front against a very good, South Walian centre back.

Ten minutes in and Rhodes makes a yard of space for himself to grab the hosts’ second leveller and despite the quality of the opposition, the city boys are now giving as good as they get. In the centre of defence, Man for All Seasons, despite his horrendously ghastly footwear, is having an excellent game against a very good centre forward, while both Freemason and Black Boots Dix are displaying their not inconsiderable prowess in both offensive and defensive situations. Behind them, Marvin’s handling is again very good and the keeper is soon forced into an excellent, close-range save to prevent Cullen restoring the Swan’s advantage. At the other end, Rhodes’ free kick from fully thirty yards out strikes the Swansea crossbar with a venom that worries the welding on not one but both angles of the goal frame.

With the game heading towards extra time and possibly even penalties, it’s a case of cometh the hour, cometh the man – or Rhodes, at any rate. Now euphoria has a strange habit of impairing the memory and when it comes to retelling this tale, the match reporter will have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of what happened before the midfielder drove handsomely into the top of the net from the edge of the penalty box. And little recollection of what happened afterwards, either. ‘How long left?’ inquires Captain Cooper. ‘Two and a half minutes,’ replies Celebrity Ref, though the synchronisation between the accuracy of his timepiece and the coach’s frantic counting to a hundred and fifty leaves something to be desired.

The clapping of the supporters at the end of the game is quite rightly one of the players’ favourite bits, but clapping the supporters beneath a Spring sun and a cloudless sky when you’ve just edged a very good side in a thrilling encounter and are about to enjoy sausages, squash and social on the clubhouse patio is even better. So, we’re through to Round 2 of the National and an upcoming visit from South Birmingham in a fortnight’s time. Good times.

The B game is equally exciting and close-fought. A competitive Swansea side move into a two-goal lead, but a fine second half fightback which includes a thumping header from Oscar Giddy and two fine free kicks from Harley Neate and Max Harvey put us 3-2 up. There are barely sixty seconds remaining when the visitors net a free kick of their own to salvage a share of the spoils as a breathless day finishes in spectacular fashion. And those big noises at Paddy Power? Maybe they won’t give us such long odds in future.

Every day is a good day, but some turn out to be a little better than that. And over a Saturday evening selection of Indian savouries, it comes to mind that today really is one of them.

Gloucester: Marvin; Hurricane, Man for All seasons; Black Boots Dix; The Freemason, Captain Cooper, Rhodes, Sixty Centimetres; Monty Don; Triple B.