Jersey - B-team Style!
I will be breaking with tradition for this blog and will not be writing it in the third person. I will also be changing my naming convention as to explain the various relationships within the travelling party would mean a blog of Bob Owen proportions. And so for this Modern Family meets the Manson Family group all parents, step-parents, friends with benefits, sugar-daddies, sugar-mums and other psychopaths will be referred to by their first names unless they pick up other names during the week. The players will be called by their surnames or nicknames and the coaches by anything I want to.
Please bear in mind that anything recorded in this blog is taken from the memory of a fifty-six-year old good-looking fine specimen of a human being, and as tiredness kicks in, my 58-year-old brain may not remember things as accurately as it might. Being sixty-one I may have a tendency to mis-represent certain incidents as they can go straight over my head.
Leading up to the GPSFA’s big annual event WhatsApp goes into overdrive as details of everyone’s size and weight of case, clothes being packed, monies to be taken are posted on the groaning app site. Nicola asks most of the questions and then promptly answers most of them herself.
Saturday.
The big day arrives and many kisses are planted before loved ones set-off. Harris receives 83% of them.
The week gets off to a great start as Ball and Taylor are quiet and only speak when spoken to, Mason has not lost his glasses and quietly discusses with Villiers how they plan not to share rooms with the louder elements of the group so they can have a nice peaceful week. Boakes has not insulted me yet and Fisher has not asked a single question. Werner and Kennedy are a little loud but that makes a nice change. Bee is talking sensibly and Jones informs me he has not had baked beans for two days now. Mulraney has asked Harris and I if there is anything he can do for us and even goes and asks Werner and Kennedy if they would pipe down a little, and the best of all there is no pain in my back. Then the medication starts to wear off and Taylor and Ball begin shouting, Villiers wants to share a room with them, Mason screams over him “ Where are my glasses”, Boakes tells Harris he is a better coach than me, Fisher asks when do we get to the services and how long ‘til Southampton, Mulraney whinges about everything, Bee begins talking in some alien tongue and Lord Fartquaard puts in an appearance. At least Werner and Kennedy have gone quiet again as the pain sears through my back. I reach for my tablets and cry a little tear as I realise we have only got as far as Birdlip. A second dose gives me that nice swimmy feeling again.
Boakes tries to make amends for insulting me by insulting Harris, calling into question how responsible he is. Mason lets himself down in his usual way, by opening his mouth. This time he proclaimed that Harris only ate things beginning with C like KFC.
Fisher and Boakes show few signs of nervousness on their maiden flight. Seasoned flyer Werner shows them the way to remain calm and as the plane suddenly drops shows them how to swear as well. Harris is concerned about the usually quiet, shy and retiring young man. I begin to realise that Harris is slowly morphing into Owen as he limps (knee injury) down the aisle when the seatbelt sign is clearly on just like Owen did two years ago. Unbelievably Harris does not receive a telling off as he just flutters his eyelashes at the attendant and carries on taking photos.
A six-boy deputation to allow Taylor and Mason to swap rooms is successful on the proviso that Ball and Taylor prove they can behave together. Villiers’ intelligence and sanity is questioned as he backs the plan to be part of the room from hell. The logic for agreeing is that on previous occasions the inhabitants really buy-in to the deal and try their best. They are still placed in the room next to me though.
Unpacking is for wimps when the hotel pool is on offer. Mason, Bee, Boakes and Taylor regret this as they have not brought a change of clothes and lose the first points of the week. Harris further demonstrates he is turning into Owen by noticing and recording an incorrect apostrophe on the Do’s and Do’nts (sic) signage. Hackney are also in the pool and our boys receive their first taste of inner-city life as the very nice Gloucester boys line up at one end of the pool and allow the Londoners to splash them at will.
Once the low-down on how meal times will work for the week, Boakes, Bee, Fisher and Jones take centre stage, literally, and dance to some music my 64-year-old brain does not comprehend or understand. It is evident that they have all watched their Dads dance though.
The list of savages is started by Taylor. His bread roll is stabbed and gutted with the expertise of a fishmonger. Jones joins it straightaway when he just spreads the butter all over the roll without even cutting it at all. Fisher bleats immediately when anything is put in front of him and that it is not his fault that he does not like something. To stimulate some intelligent after dinner talk, I set a twenty questions scenario up for them while we wait for the dessert and realise just how whingy this group are. “ Just tell us the answer”, “ Why do we have to ask questions?” and It’s not my fault I don’t know the answer” says one anonymous striker not called Villiers. Some are interested though and play along. It is evident though that the storks all left for Gloucester before intelligence was dished out.
Diaries and room inspections pass without any dramas However Ball and Taylor have been trying their best to be good so hard that they end up talking to each other late into the night, obviously discussing the plans they have for being good all week are going. They are rewarded with a full six minutes of my company checking the décor in the hallway. Harris pre-books a counselling session with himself for his return just in-case he needs it.
Sunday.
Taylor adds evidence to my stork theory when he excitedly tells us that there is some random woman cleaning his room and how they are going to get top marks for their room score today. Taylor is told about chambermaids. Ball re-enters the room and their perfect ten score is a distant memory within a minute.
Two awards are introduced. Cuddly toys called Skye and Gypsy. Jones wins the former for being top of the DREAM marks and Ball gets Gypsy for having the smelliest bum. They have to love, cherish and look after them for the whole day.
Jersey B are our first opponents of the week at the Florence Boot (of Boots fame) Fields. Villiers claims our first goal of the festival, following up a rebound from a Bee strike. Kennedy soon doubles the lead, capitalising from a poor clearance by lobbing the ball straight back over the keeper’s head. A nice turn and shot by Fisher before a long range Mulraney punt gives the yellows a four-nil half time lead. Jones somehow manages to add a fifth with his back and Villiers completes the scoring, rounding off Gloucester’s best move of the match involving, Fisher, Bee and the goalscorer himself.
Werner orders a "gatu-a" at lunch and still manages to receive a gateau but then outrageously tricks Harris into uttering a swear word. Harris is distraught and books in another counselling session with himself for his return. Harris wonders who this new Werner is although he secretly likes the new outgoing, funny but potty-mouthed version.
Cruel Harris lines all the boys up on St Ouens beach including Romeo, Foran’s grandson, and shouts go. All except Taylor, Bee and Werner race towards the freezing sea. Mulraney looks very strange, Harris calls it correctly “He is running” - so fast in fact he is first into the cold water. Brave Mason actually swims while most others just go in up to their mid-rift. I tell a shivering Jones to go in ten yards further down as that is where the warmer section is due to the Gulf Stream. He lets Team Zaki down by trying it and lets Team Zaki and his school down by agreeing that it was warmer. The obvious thing to do when playing everyday during a football festival is to play beach football. Six players score the winning goal in a 17-17 draw won by both sides. Foran sweet talks, or rather carries on talking to the ice-cream lady until she gives into giving him a good price for ice-creams for all. Harris tries to prepare the team for later life with their parents by taking them to the pub to watch Liverpool beat Chelsea. Big kid Harris takes the mickey out of Chelsea fan Werner all the way back to the hotel, getting him back for making him swear earlier. Jones helps Werner take his mind off the result by sitting on him and lets him know that Lord Fartquaard is still around. Werner is left stunned.
The list of savages grows further as Villiers hold up his red napkin and asks “What’s this?” Jones re-affirms his place on the list by licking all the butter papers. Kennedy is added when he cannot take being told to turn his knife around so that he cuts with the sharp bit, so he puts it down and uses his thumbs instead. Amazingly, Boakes, the biggest odds-on favourite we have ever had to win the eating contest, is beaten by a small slither of pate. Co-leaders Werner, Jones and Kennedy feel really sorry for their fallen teammate and punch the air in delight. Bee is enjoying himself and has not uttered a single alien word the whole day. Ball and Taylor continue to try their best at being good. At least Taylor is succeeding… sometimes. Twenty questions again foxes them as does the follow up question of “How do you keep an idiot in suspense? - I’ll tell you later” (Lou, can you explain it to Ross for me please). Werner is installed as the new eating favourite having taken on the challenge of eating blue cheese and succeeding.
The tired team complete their diaries and prepare for an earlier night. Room inspection reveals that some think that swim-shorts and towels automatically dry when you keep them stuffed in bags overnight. Ball, Taylor, Kennedy and Mason go to sleep with fewer points than they had previously.
All boys are well behaved that night. The same cannot be said of their parents. Without their offspring they are obviously lost and do not know when to go to bed, except for Cass who has the smiling Leo Taylor to help her. Entrepreneur Beccy decides she should give James Dyson a run for his money and demonstrate her new method of cleaning carpets. She gets Ross to pull her over the hallway carpet as she sweeps everything in her path. Mr Dyson continues to sleep soundly in his bed that night, unlike all the guests at the Merton as Beccy proclaims her invention and applies for the Gloucester Town Crier’s job at the same time.
Monday
The next morning entrepreneur Beccy moves into the dark glasses business.
The great battle began, full of energy, verve and a real desire to win the contest, the yellow and black wall of Gloucester were up against their Plymouth counterparts for the loudest supporters of the week award. Two evenly matched groups went at it hammer and tong for the whole of the game making it a brilliant atmosphere for the boys to play football in. The game was the B’s best performance of the week as they pushed the strong Plymouth team all the way. The greens (well that day at least), had the greater possession but the yellows created the more clear-cut opportunities in a very combative first half. A driving run from Villiers with a neat dink over the outrushing keeper sent the Gloucesterites into ecstasy as the ball eventually crossed the line to give them the lead. Boakes drew gasps and applause from all with one incredible save, flinging himself high to his left to turn a certain goal-bound shot over the angle of post and bar. With just seven minutes to go the Pilgrims denied Gloucester B a famous victory with a well taken equaliser. Deflated, the B’s concede two late goals to undeservedly lose the game by three goals to one. Everybody had played very well and made all connected with them very proud of their display.
Harris is so worn out by the morning’s game he asks the waiter for a large portion of lasagna. He brings him two separate portions on separate plates. He demolishes both.
With the news that both Glos’ teams are to hit the town that afternoon JD shares rise 4%. Presents for parents are never considered in favour of shorts and tops. The JD manager actually thanks me, while rubbing his hands together, for bringing them. As if I had any say in the matter.
Aquasplash is one of my favourite places on the island. I get an hour and half of peace and quiet while Harris gets beaten, scratched and drowned repeatedly. This time though, the A-team double his agony. I book him in with another counselling session with himself.
Wobbly (his nickname is not due to the obvious thoughts of most) is down to dinner first as usual and is well into his Times crossword by the time his A-team charges join him. He somehow always manages to finish just as meal time ends. Mulraney has a short whinge, it lasts for 4 and a half days. Taylor is still trying very hard to be good but he uses up all his memory on this single aspect and forgets just about everything else. Everyone else knows all of his possessions by now and get used to picking things up for him - Kevin the Monkey on this occasion. I have a nice conversation with Bee that does not include any ‘bings’ or ‘bongs’ or other strange noises. He is coping well with the demanding week. All is going along nicely and I ask myself have I taken too much medicine again?
Back in Gloucester, Amanda sends a video clip of the things that are happening back home. Longlevens has obviously gone downhill fast since we left.
Tuesday
Boakes is charged with caring for Skye after his perfect match score and Mason gets Gypsy for the shortest time between buying a gift and breaking it. 7 mins and 23 seconds. The disgusting creatures that are Fisher and Kennedy, treat us to a medley of belching tunes.
Jones has brought his own personal support group with him to the island, Team Zaki are responsible for ankle repairs, personalised warm-up routines, sport psychology and game analysis and even his own personal linesman.
The Hackney game is a little bit like after the Lord Mayor’s Show relative to the Plymouth match. With just little more of the spirit demonstrated yesterday, victory could easily have been ours but instead Hackney gained the win with the only goal of the game.
The aftermatch analysis concludes that the Ball contingent are to blame having been present for the two defeats only. They are dispatched back to blighty immediately. Mark and Ross have an alternate plan and stage a coup to take over the team, Lee and I are overjoyed and try to hand over straightaway but the courageous pair retreat with pace when they realise what they have let themselves in for.
We arrive at Plemont just too late and the tide is already coming in. Instead Harris arranges the boys in certain places so he can take some photos. Harris laughs as Jones, Taylor and Bee are soaked by the huge seventh wave that nobody saw coming. Harris has his picture and rubs salt into the wounds by deducting points from the three sodden figures for getting on the minibus wet. The second port of call is Greve de Lecq with a beach, rocks and waterfall. Bee, Taylor and Fisher do not brave standing under the freezing waterfall, all others do including Romeo. Bee and Taylor hatch an escape plan and begin digging their way to freedom. Jones is reported to the RSPCA when the Gloucester dog hater blasts the ball at a poor defenceless Spaniel puppy. Kennedy searches high and low for his Barcelona bag. He found it in his hand. I treat the group to ice-creams this time. I am given the same discount as Foran got on the proviso that he does not talk to her for more than a minute.
Wobbly is again down first to dinner and doing his crossword. I look over his shoulder and notice that his answer for a Guatemalan slang term for cigarettes is a ftmchhh. Jones and Kennedy finally lose points in the eating contest by taking far too long. Taylor and Werner are paired in the ultimate league of champions for a duel to the bitter end. Fisher again pleads for leniency as it is not his fault he does not like a vegetable. He is not successful. Once again twenty questions outfoxes them and Harris is so annoyed by the answer that he nearly becomes a potty-mouth like Werner. He blames Werner, or more correctly the new cheeky, sarky and funny Werner and renames him Treacle McMouth.
As a reward for Nicola using WhatsApp so sparingly and for Bee doing so well, he is allowed to phone home. He immediately visits the planet Zork and weird noises begin to eminate from him once more. Nicola is on WhatsApp within 4 seconds. It takes Bee almost an hour to return to planet Jersey. Nicola does not recover and all are forced to turn off their WhatsApp notifications again. Fisher doesn’t ask a question for a full seven minutes. Harris checks if he is still alive. He is and promptly asks “How long have we got left doing diaries?” Wobbly sends out Matt Jones from the A-team diary session and insists that he delight us with his presence and smells. He does, very loudly. The stink last for ages. The most disgusting person to ever to play for the GPSFA since I have been part of it and Wobbly is removed from our Christmas card list.
Wednesday
Ball is added to the list of savages for stabbing to death an innocent bread roll. Villiers is ‘frozen’ in the middle of the restaurant for 3 minutes. He does well not to move a muscle or spill his orange juice at all. The Ball slouch begins early, Harris groans and deducts him the five points he will surely lose during the day. He was right. Ball books Harris in for a counselling session with himself.
Villiers wins Skye for being the only person to not drop an attitude point the previous day. Ball definitely does not win it. Bee and Taylor win head boppers for their ingenious escape plan.
Old foes Orpington B provide the opposition for the morning’s game. Gloucester are the better side throughout but struggle to take their chances. Fisher eventually breaks the deadlock. He battles down the left flank and neatly finishes into the bottom corner. Mason, Taylor, Werner and Jones all play well in a good all-round team performance. Cass is deducted a point though for taking Taylor off to the other end of the field when he should have been by us ready to come on. The tactical decision to send the Ball family home is justified. Mark and Ross are very quiet.
The tide at La Corbiere is just lapping over the path and so Harris has to shorten his rock-climbing expedition. He leads the group up and over rock clusters like a mountain goat and still manages to hold his camera in one hand. Jones brings up the rear with Romeo who is never more than two feet from him. Further back are the two old cripples, one with a dodgy knee and the other a bad back. Foran and I keep an eye on proceedings from a little way back. Mulraney is the only one to slip and gets a wet foot and trouser leg for his troubles. Harris sympathises by laughing and deducting him a point.
The next stop, swimming at Quennevais is a relatively tame affair compared to Aquasplash. No slides or wave machine but everyone enjoys it just as much. Foran kindly pays for all. When Villiers climbs on Harris’ back he tries to dislodge him by diving under the water. For some reason I am reminded to book the Shamu whale show for my holiday in Florida. Mulraney moves quicker and is far more active in water than on land. He temporarily suspends his 4 and a half day whinge when in the water. Some sort of large indoor fish tank may be in order.
Unbelievably, Fisher has still not contributed to the game made for him. His only contributions to the twenty question teasers have been “Can you tell us the answer?” and “It’s not my fault I don’t know” Mulraney has re-started his short 4.5-day whinge. Harris renames him Mulwhingy.
I get to watch the Tottenham Champions league triumph on Harris’ phone during diary time. Harris has to mark all the diaries as I am so engrossed. I am so happy with the result and combined with the effects of the pain killers, I nearly offer to buy a round for all the coaches. Luckily, another Spurs fan has beaten me to it. The great night just got even better.
Thursday
A new prize is added. A fluffy pink cat. The winner gets to name her. Mulwhingy names her Michael. He gained the honour for being the only person to slip when rock climbing. Kennedy gets Skye for continuously opening doors for others and Romeo gets the boppers for helping Jones over the rocks.
The Barking game is end to end and is a good spectacle for the heavily biased in Gloucester’s favour watching crowd. Kennedy rose majestically to equalise Barking’s earlier goal only for Mason to continue his run of scoring own goals to give the Londoners the lead again. Bee followed in to score from close range and in the final minutes, a driving run from Jones resulted in the midfielder being upended in the penalty area. Mulraney held his nerve to convert the spot kick and give the yellows a deserved win by the odd goal in five.
When Harris had completed his cat herding heroics and finally got all parents, kids and various hangers-on on the benches, a Gloucester photo shoot session began. Harris was heard to say immediately after that he was selling his camera equipment as soon as he could.
The B-team contingent then decided a lads against parents match was in order. At no time was any thought given to the next day’s game or that to go back to work some need their legs intact. Some parents obviously thought they were playing statues though. Dan and Scott only moving when the ball came near, about a metre from the goal. The fairer sex were anything but, Cass, Lou, Kelly and especially entrepreneur Beccy seemed to think that fouling is compulsory. Beccy’s sliding tackle on Fisher was so good she is asked to play in his place for Friday’s game. We reconsider when we realise we would have to foot her bar bill though. The parents won 8-5 although seven of their goals have been referred to the dubious goals panel. For some reason both teams pile on to nice, sweet and innocent Ross at the end.
The boys enjoyed the very overpriced aMAZEing Adventure, even though it does not have a maze. They experience things you cannot get anywhere else, such as, bouncy castles, tricycles and water hoses. Jones gets injured so I attend fearing for all the paperwork I will have to complete. The blood was everywhere….well on the tip of his finger anyway. A quick wash reveals a 2mm gaping wound. Luckily for me the cut is so small it does not make the accident book. Owen said that spare dry clothes would not be necessary so nobody brought them. Owen does not look the slightest bit guilty when Jones and Ball are deducted points for getting on the mini-bus whilst wet. Harris kindly lets them sit on his coat and them docks them another point for getting it wet.
Now safely back home in Gloucester without any sight of the FB Fields pitch, Carlie sends yet another of her indecipherable messages. It is all abbreviations and hieroglyphics. I ask nearby Wobbly if he knows what it means. He doesn’t but it somehow appears as an answer to seven down in his crossword. Finally, the group manage to get one of my twenty questions. Unbelievably it is Taylor who cracks it by asking three intelligent questions in a row and the lighthouse scenario is revealed. Fisher still asks for me to tell him the answer and Bee still keeps guessing that monsters and aliens are involved.
Delaney and Stalley agree to look after the boys for the evening as Lee and I prepare to explore the wilder habitats of the island. We are going to visit the parents at the Merton hotel. Delaney immediately puts Coach Bebber’s number on speed dial and lets Fisher know it. Ball is reminded there are still a few weeks left at school yet and Stalley checks where the exits are.
The parents are welcoming, polite and quite reserved. Christy pours Beccy a drink and the mood changes. The entrepreneur begins demonstrating her new venture into the world of winning party conversation starters. Dan sits as far away as possible as the tone sinks lower and lower. It is revealed that Kelly thoroughly enjoyed her first night of freedom from mothering duties for a while and Scott now has to move all sinks four foot nearer the door. Apparently, this freedom means you get to sleep on the bathroom floor. On hearing about Scott’s intending DIY, Dan perks up as he likes doing the odd job. Beccy agrees and lets him know he has four and half blinds to put up when he gets home. When asked about the half, Beccy gives a lot of techinal jargon but it is a bit of a mouthful so I will not cover it in here. Dan is suddenly very happy. We thank everyone for the interesting conversation, the drinks and the entertainment and make our way back to the hotel - letting the parents let their hair down a little.
Friday
Jones and Ball have to wear the boppers for getting soaked. Mulwhingy retains Michael for looking after her so well and Mason re-wins Gypsy for not looking after her so well earlier in the week. Bee gets Skye for getting all the bags left behind at lunch.
Lee and I are disappointed with the final match-ups as we believed that the boys deserved a real challenge in honour of their performances. St Albans had not had the best of tournaments but were capable of beating us as they did on the first day of the season. It is also their last appearance at the festival for their coaches as the team is not running next year and this just might give them an incentive to go out on a high. However, this did not transpire and Gloucester played some great football and signed off their record-breaking tour in style with a 9-0 thrashing. Mulraney began proceedings with two long range free-kicks before Fisher scored a brilliant third - acrobatically turning in Jones’ cross following a strong run down the right. Bee netted the fourth in the second half, holding off a defender and driving the ball into the bottom far corner. Kennedy added a fifth, heading in a corner and then Villiers grabbed a brace, the second of which was a marvelous team goal involving Ball, Bee and Jones. Jones himself claimed a quickfire double to complete the rout.
Harris suffered plenty of abuse in the Coaches’ match. Cries of ‘Mean it’ could be heard throughout the game. Harris’ excuse for his performance, was that he had split his boots in the first minute. The boys did not buy it and they booked him in for a counselling session with himself.
For the second visit to La Corbiere we are lucky to beat the tide and have the A-team for company. Harris was once again in his element, bounding over rocks, camera in hand, snapping photos. His fingers clicking at a rate rivaling Nicola’s fingers on WhatsApp. Safely back at the mini-buses, Owen gets his own back on Harris for stealing his boys away by telling us we will meet at St Ouens beach in five minutes. We get there first and wait for Owen, known locally as the unofficial governor of Jersey as he has been there so many times and knows just about everything there is to know about the island, is not. Harris puts his hand in his pocket this time for the ice-creams as we wait for the A-team. When they do not turn up we go back and I run a GPSFA quiz. It is apparent that nobody has a clue as to who does what in the association. Remarkably all independently think Kate is called Lisa. Owen is the Chairman, Stalley is the secretary and Wobbly is the President. The groundsman’s name is not known but Villiers answer of the Werewolf wins the points. Fisher answers every question with a question and Mulwhingy looks forward to ending his 4.5 day whinge…tomorrow. Ball and Jones miss part of the quiz as they have to prepare their captains’ speech for the Gala meal straight afterwards.
Owen apologises for going to a different beach saying he got lost. He is instantly removed from our Christmas card list.
All listen intently to the speeches and applaud in the right places. Ball is a little nervous before his speech. Jones isn’t. Werner feels ill and eats nothing. Taylor jumps for joy as he is now on course to be the outright winner of the eating contest. I ask him to find out what the word magnanimous means. He does and still jumps for joy in front of the stricken Werner. Werner feels worse. Ball and Jones go up to receive the B-team honours and do their speeches. They are relieved when they realise they do not have to do the speeches but look daggers at Harris who is grinning like a Cheshire cat for tricking them. They do get the chance to do their speeches however in front of the assembled touring party after the dinner. They both do well.
Saturday
It is obvious that all the boys packed their own bags as claimed on WhatsApp just over a week ago. They are skilled at packing with everyone employing the shove it in and push technique. Mulwhingy tries a unique breakfast of pan-o-choc’s with hash browns and is the last person added to the savages list. Taylor magnanimously celebrates his win when he slowly eats the last baked bean by jumping in the air in front of Werner who is slowly returning back into Treacle McMouth.
Final warnings as to what you cannot pack in your hand luggage are given. Fisher asks as usual asks “Why?” Ball gives one final slouch in honour of the hotel, and many of Taylor’s left possessions are returned to him. We leave the Mayfair hotel on time.
In an act of comeuppance, the airport security guard asks Fisher “Why have you got this in here?” As he loses a full bottle of very expensive Joop Homme that he has packed in his hand luggage.
I find out I am to sit next to a B-team parent for the flight home, luckily it is Faye and I am treated to thirty minutes of normal conversation and a coffee. Boakes and Fisher are not nervous and even Treacle McMouth does not utter a swearword.
Ball has learnt to slouch for England, Bee has learnt that there is life on this planet, Boakes; that having a cheeky reply for everything will get you far, Fisher; that food is actually edible and that nothing is ever his fault. Jones has learnt that Team Zaki are incapable of stopping his Lord Fartquaard character from surfacing, Kennedy has learnt to answer back but still needs help with the speed of his responses and Mason has finally learnt to look after his glasses and that his sense of humour now matches a forty-year-old. Mulraney has learnt how to be a sulky teenager at the age of ten and how not to cope without any pampering. Taylor has learnt to think first but usually it’s where can I leave my possessions (Kevin is still enjoying life in Jersey somewhere) and not what the word magnanimous means. Villiers still has not learnt how to choose roommates carefully but has learnt to stay clear of Shamu. Werner now has an alter-ego called Treacle McMouth to draw on when he wants to be cheeky, loud and a bit sarky. Harris has learnt how to book himself in for one of his own counselling sessions and that he is slowly turning into Owen. I have learnt that medication really does numb the pain.
A very successful tour on and off the field to cap a great season. Many memories have been gained and most of them will be cherished forever. The GPSFA B-team have well and truly done Jersey.
Wix.
Please bear in mind that anything recorded in this blog is taken from the memory of a fifty-six-year old good-looking fine specimen of a human being, and as tiredness kicks in, my 58-year-old brain may not remember things as accurately as it might. Being sixty-one I may have a tendency to mis-represent certain incidents as they can go straight over my head.
Leading up to the GPSFA’s big annual event WhatsApp goes into overdrive as details of everyone’s size and weight of case, clothes being packed, monies to be taken are posted on the groaning app site. Nicola asks most of the questions and then promptly answers most of them herself.
Saturday.
The big day arrives and many kisses are planted before loved ones set-off. Harris receives 83% of them.
The week gets off to a great start as Ball and Taylor are quiet and only speak when spoken to, Mason has not lost his glasses and quietly discusses with Villiers how they plan not to share rooms with the louder elements of the group so they can have a nice peaceful week. Boakes has not insulted me yet and Fisher has not asked a single question. Werner and Kennedy are a little loud but that makes a nice change. Bee is talking sensibly and Jones informs me he has not had baked beans for two days now. Mulraney has asked Harris and I if there is anything he can do for us and even goes and asks Werner and Kennedy if they would pipe down a little, and the best of all there is no pain in my back. Then the medication starts to wear off and Taylor and Ball begin shouting, Villiers wants to share a room with them, Mason screams over him “ Where are my glasses”, Boakes tells Harris he is a better coach than me, Fisher asks when do we get to the services and how long ‘til Southampton, Mulraney whinges about everything, Bee begins talking in some alien tongue and Lord Fartquaard puts in an appearance. At least Werner and Kennedy have gone quiet again as the pain sears through my back. I reach for my tablets and cry a little tear as I realise we have only got as far as Birdlip. A second dose gives me that nice swimmy feeling again.
Boakes tries to make amends for insulting me by insulting Harris, calling into question how responsible he is. Mason lets himself down in his usual way, by opening his mouth. This time he proclaimed that Harris only ate things beginning with C like KFC.
Fisher and Boakes show few signs of nervousness on their maiden flight. Seasoned flyer Werner shows them the way to remain calm and as the plane suddenly drops shows them how to swear as well. Harris is concerned about the usually quiet, shy and retiring young man. I begin to realise that Harris is slowly morphing into Owen as he limps (knee injury) down the aisle when the seatbelt sign is clearly on just like Owen did two years ago. Unbelievably Harris does not receive a telling off as he just flutters his eyelashes at the attendant and carries on taking photos.
A six-boy deputation to allow Taylor and Mason to swap rooms is successful on the proviso that Ball and Taylor prove they can behave together. Villiers’ intelligence and sanity is questioned as he backs the plan to be part of the room from hell. The logic for agreeing is that on previous occasions the inhabitants really buy-in to the deal and try their best. They are still placed in the room next to me though.
Unpacking is for wimps when the hotel pool is on offer. Mason, Bee, Boakes and Taylor regret this as they have not brought a change of clothes and lose the first points of the week. Harris further demonstrates he is turning into Owen by noticing and recording an incorrect apostrophe on the Do’s and Do’nts (sic) signage. Hackney are also in the pool and our boys receive their first taste of inner-city life as the very nice Gloucester boys line up at one end of the pool and allow the Londoners to splash them at will.
Once the low-down on how meal times will work for the week, Boakes, Bee, Fisher and Jones take centre stage, literally, and dance to some music my 64-year-old brain does not comprehend or understand. It is evident that they have all watched their Dads dance though.
The list of savages is started by Taylor. His bread roll is stabbed and gutted with the expertise of a fishmonger. Jones joins it straightaway when he just spreads the butter all over the roll without even cutting it at all. Fisher bleats immediately when anything is put in front of him and that it is not his fault that he does not like something. To stimulate some intelligent after dinner talk, I set a twenty questions scenario up for them while we wait for the dessert and realise just how whingy this group are. “ Just tell us the answer”, “ Why do we have to ask questions?” and It’s not my fault I don’t know the answer” says one anonymous striker not called Villiers. Some are interested though and play along. It is evident though that the storks all left for Gloucester before intelligence was dished out.
Diaries and room inspections pass without any dramas However Ball and Taylor have been trying their best to be good so hard that they end up talking to each other late into the night, obviously discussing the plans they have for being good all week are going. They are rewarded with a full six minutes of my company checking the décor in the hallway. Harris pre-books a counselling session with himself for his return just in-case he needs it.
Sunday.
Taylor adds evidence to my stork theory when he excitedly tells us that there is some random woman cleaning his room and how they are going to get top marks for their room score today. Taylor is told about chambermaids. Ball re-enters the room and their perfect ten score is a distant memory within a minute.
Two awards are introduced. Cuddly toys called Skye and Gypsy. Jones wins the former for being top of the DREAM marks and Ball gets Gypsy for having the smelliest bum. They have to love, cherish and look after them for the whole day.
Jersey B are our first opponents of the week at the Florence Boot (of Boots fame) Fields. Villiers claims our first goal of the festival, following up a rebound from a Bee strike. Kennedy soon doubles the lead, capitalising from a poor clearance by lobbing the ball straight back over the keeper’s head. A nice turn and shot by Fisher before a long range Mulraney punt gives the yellows a four-nil half time lead. Jones somehow manages to add a fifth with his back and Villiers completes the scoring, rounding off Gloucester’s best move of the match involving, Fisher, Bee and the goalscorer himself.
Werner orders a "gatu-a" at lunch and still manages to receive a gateau but then outrageously tricks Harris into uttering a swear word. Harris is distraught and books in another counselling session with himself for his return. Harris wonders who this new Werner is although he secretly likes the new outgoing, funny but potty-mouthed version.
Cruel Harris lines all the boys up on St Ouens beach including Romeo, Foran’s grandson, and shouts go. All except Taylor, Bee and Werner race towards the freezing sea. Mulraney looks very strange, Harris calls it correctly “He is running” - so fast in fact he is first into the cold water. Brave Mason actually swims while most others just go in up to their mid-rift. I tell a shivering Jones to go in ten yards further down as that is where the warmer section is due to the Gulf Stream. He lets Team Zaki down by trying it and lets Team Zaki and his school down by agreeing that it was warmer. The obvious thing to do when playing everyday during a football festival is to play beach football. Six players score the winning goal in a 17-17 draw won by both sides. Foran sweet talks, or rather carries on talking to the ice-cream lady until she gives into giving him a good price for ice-creams for all. Harris tries to prepare the team for later life with their parents by taking them to the pub to watch Liverpool beat Chelsea. Big kid Harris takes the mickey out of Chelsea fan Werner all the way back to the hotel, getting him back for making him swear earlier. Jones helps Werner take his mind off the result by sitting on him and lets him know that Lord Fartquaard is still around. Werner is left stunned.
The list of savages grows further as Villiers hold up his red napkin and asks “What’s this?” Jones re-affirms his place on the list by licking all the butter papers. Kennedy is added when he cannot take being told to turn his knife around so that he cuts with the sharp bit, so he puts it down and uses his thumbs instead. Amazingly, Boakes, the biggest odds-on favourite we have ever had to win the eating contest, is beaten by a small slither of pate. Co-leaders Werner, Jones and Kennedy feel really sorry for their fallen teammate and punch the air in delight. Bee is enjoying himself and has not uttered a single alien word the whole day. Ball and Taylor continue to try their best at being good. At least Taylor is succeeding… sometimes. Twenty questions again foxes them as does the follow up question of “How do you keep an idiot in suspense? - I’ll tell you later” (Lou, can you explain it to Ross for me please). Werner is installed as the new eating favourite having taken on the challenge of eating blue cheese and succeeding.
The tired team complete their diaries and prepare for an earlier night. Room inspection reveals that some think that swim-shorts and towels automatically dry when you keep them stuffed in bags overnight. Ball, Taylor, Kennedy and Mason go to sleep with fewer points than they had previously.
All boys are well behaved that night. The same cannot be said of their parents. Without their offspring they are obviously lost and do not know when to go to bed, except for Cass who has the smiling Leo Taylor to help her. Entrepreneur Beccy decides she should give James Dyson a run for his money and demonstrate her new method of cleaning carpets. She gets Ross to pull her over the hallway carpet as she sweeps everything in her path. Mr Dyson continues to sleep soundly in his bed that night, unlike all the guests at the Merton as Beccy proclaims her invention and applies for the Gloucester Town Crier’s job at the same time.
Monday
The next morning entrepreneur Beccy moves into the dark glasses business.
The great battle began, full of energy, verve and a real desire to win the contest, the yellow and black wall of Gloucester were up against their Plymouth counterparts for the loudest supporters of the week award. Two evenly matched groups went at it hammer and tong for the whole of the game making it a brilliant atmosphere for the boys to play football in. The game was the B’s best performance of the week as they pushed the strong Plymouth team all the way. The greens (well that day at least), had the greater possession but the yellows created the more clear-cut opportunities in a very combative first half. A driving run from Villiers with a neat dink over the outrushing keeper sent the Gloucesterites into ecstasy as the ball eventually crossed the line to give them the lead. Boakes drew gasps and applause from all with one incredible save, flinging himself high to his left to turn a certain goal-bound shot over the angle of post and bar. With just seven minutes to go the Pilgrims denied Gloucester B a famous victory with a well taken equaliser. Deflated, the B’s concede two late goals to undeservedly lose the game by three goals to one. Everybody had played very well and made all connected with them very proud of their display.
Harris is so worn out by the morning’s game he asks the waiter for a large portion of lasagna. He brings him two separate portions on separate plates. He demolishes both.
With the news that both Glos’ teams are to hit the town that afternoon JD shares rise 4%. Presents for parents are never considered in favour of shorts and tops. The JD manager actually thanks me, while rubbing his hands together, for bringing them. As if I had any say in the matter.
Aquasplash is one of my favourite places on the island. I get an hour and half of peace and quiet while Harris gets beaten, scratched and drowned repeatedly. This time though, the A-team double his agony. I book him in with another counselling session with himself.
Wobbly (his nickname is not due to the obvious thoughts of most) is down to dinner first as usual and is well into his Times crossword by the time his A-team charges join him. He somehow always manages to finish just as meal time ends. Mulraney has a short whinge, it lasts for 4 and a half days. Taylor is still trying very hard to be good but he uses up all his memory on this single aspect and forgets just about everything else. Everyone else knows all of his possessions by now and get used to picking things up for him - Kevin the Monkey on this occasion. I have a nice conversation with Bee that does not include any ‘bings’ or ‘bongs’ or other strange noises. He is coping well with the demanding week. All is going along nicely and I ask myself have I taken too much medicine again?
Back in Gloucester, Amanda sends a video clip of the things that are happening back home. Longlevens has obviously gone downhill fast since we left.
Tuesday
Boakes is charged with caring for Skye after his perfect match score and Mason gets Gypsy for the shortest time between buying a gift and breaking it. 7 mins and 23 seconds. The disgusting creatures that are Fisher and Kennedy, treat us to a medley of belching tunes.
Jones has brought his own personal support group with him to the island, Team Zaki are responsible for ankle repairs, personalised warm-up routines, sport psychology and game analysis and even his own personal linesman.
The Hackney game is a little bit like after the Lord Mayor’s Show relative to the Plymouth match. With just little more of the spirit demonstrated yesterday, victory could easily have been ours but instead Hackney gained the win with the only goal of the game.
The aftermatch analysis concludes that the Ball contingent are to blame having been present for the two defeats only. They are dispatched back to blighty immediately. Mark and Ross have an alternate plan and stage a coup to take over the team, Lee and I are overjoyed and try to hand over straightaway but the courageous pair retreat with pace when they realise what they have let themselves in for.
We arrive at Plemont just too late and the tide is already coming in. Instead Harris arranges the boys in certain places so he can take some photos. Harris laughs as Jones, Taylor and Bee are soaked by the huge seventh wave that nobody saw coming. Harris has his picture and rubs salt into the wounds by deducting points from the three sodden figures for getting on the minibus wet. The second port of call is Greve de Lecq with a beach, rocks and waterfall. Bee, Taylor and Fisher do not brave standing under the freezing waterfall, all others do including Romeo. Bee and Taylor hatch an escape plan and begin digging their way to freedom. Jones is reported to the RSPCA when the Gloucester dog hater blasts the ball at a poor defenceless Spaniel puppy. Kennedy searches high and low for his Barcelona bag. He found it in his hand. I treat the group to ice-creams this time. I am given the same discount as Foran got on the proviso that he does not talk to her for more than a minute.
Wobbly is again down first to dinner and doing his crossword. I look over his shoulder and notice that his answer for a Guatemalan slang term for cigarettes is a ftmchhh. Jones and Kennedy finally lose points in the eating contest by taking far too long. Taylor and Werner are paired in the ultimate league of champions for a duel to the bitter end. Fisher again pleads for leniency as it is not his fault he does not like a vegetable. He is not successful. Once again twenty questions outfoxes them and Harris is so annoyed by the answer that he nearly becomes a potty-mouth like Werner. He blames Werner, or more correctly the new cheeky, sarky and funny Werner and renames him Treacle McMouth.
As a reward for Nicola using WhatsApp so sparingly and for Bee doing so well, he is allowed to phone home. He immediately visits the planet Zork and weird noises begin to eminate from him once more. Nicola is on WhatsApp within 4 seconds. It takes Bee almost an hour to return to planet Jersey. Nicola does not recover and all are forced to turn off their WhatsApp notifications again. Fisher doesn’t ask a question for a full seven minutes. Harris checks if he is still alive. He is and promptly asks “How long have we got left doing diaries?” Wobbly sends out Matt Jones from the A-team diary session and insists that he delight us with his presence and smells. He does, very loudly. The stink last for ages. The most disgusting person to ever to play for the GPSFA since I have been part of it and Wobbly is removed from our Christmas card list.
Wednesday
Ball is added to the list of savages for stabbing to death an innocent bread roll. Villiers is ‘frozen’ in the middle of the restaurant for 3 minutes. He does well not to move a muscle or spill his orange juice at all. The Ball slouch begins early, Harris groans and deducts him the five points he will surely lose during the day. He was right. Ball books Harris in for a counselling session with himself.
Villiers wins Skye for being the only person to not drop an attitude point the previous day. Ball definitely does not win it. Bee and Taylor win head boppers for their ingenious escape plan.
Old foes Orpington B provide the opposition for the morning’s game. Gloucester are the better side throughout but struggle to take their chances. Fisher eventually breaks the deadlock. He battles down the left flank and neatly finishes into the bottom corner. Mason, Taylor, Werner and Jones all play well in a good all-round team performance. Cass is deducted a point though for taking Taylor off to the other end of the field when he should have been by us ready to come on. The tactical decision to send the Ball family home is justified. Mark and Ross are very quiet.
The tide at La Corbiere is just lapping over the path and so Harris has to shorten his rock-climbing expedition. He leads the group up and over rock clusters like a mountain goat and still manages to hold his camera in one hand. Jones brings up the rear with Romeo who is never more than two feet from him. Further back are the two old cripples, one with a dodgy knee and the other a bad back. Foran and I keep an eye on proceedings from a little way back. Mulraney is the only one to slip and gets a wet foot and trouser leg for his troubles. Harris sympathises by laughing and deducting him a point.
The next stop, swimming at Quennevais is a relatively tame affair compared to Aquasplash. No slides or wave machine but everyone enjoys it just as much. Foran kindly pays for all. When Villiers climbs on Harris’ back he tries to dislodge him by diving under the water. For some reason I am reminded to book the Shamu whale show for my holiday in Florida. Mulraney moves quicker and is far more active in water than on land. He temporarily suspends his 4 and a half day whinge when in the water. Some sort of large indoor fish tank may be in order.
Unbelievably, Fisher has still not contributed to the game made for him. His only contributions to the twenty question teasers have been “Can you tell us the answer?” and “It’s not my fault I don’t know” Mulraney has re-started his short 4.5-day whinge. Harris renames him Mulwhingy.
I get to watch the Tottenham Champions league triumph on Harris’ phone during diary time. Harris has to mark all the diaries as I am so engrossed. I am so happy with the result and combined with the effects of the pain killers, I nearly offer to buy a round for all the coaches. Luckily, another Spurs fan has beaten me to it. The great night just got even better.
Thursday
A new prize is added. A fluffy pink cat. The winner gets to name her. Mulwhingy names her Michael. He gained the honour for being the only person to slip when rock climbing. Kennedy gets Skye for continuously opening doors for others and Romeo gets the boppers for helping Jones over the rocks.
The Barking game is end to end and is a good spectacle for the heavily biased in Gloucester’s favour watching crowd. Kennedy rose majestically to equalise Barking’s earlier goal only for Mason to continue his run of scoring own goals to give the Londoners the lead again. Bee followed in to score from close range and in the final minutes, a driving run from Jones resulted in the midfielder being upended in the penalty area. Mulraney held his nerve to convert the spot kick and give the yellows a deserved win by the odd goal in five.
When Harris had completed his cat herding heroics and finally got all parents, kids and various hangers-on on the benches, a Gloucester photo shoot session began. Harris was heard to say immediately after that he was selling his camera equipment as soon as he could.
The B-team contingent then decided a lads against parents match was in order. At no time was any thought given to the next day’s game or that to go back to work some need their legs intact. Some parents obviously thought they were playing statues though. Dan and Scott only moving when the ball came near, about a metre from the goal. The fairer sex were anything but, Cass, Lou, Kelly and especially entrepreneur Beccy seemed to think that fouling is compulsory. Beccy’s sliding tackle on Fisher was so good she is asked to play in his place for Friday’s game. We reconsider when we realise we would have to foot her bar bill though. The parents won 8-5 although seven of their goals have been referred to the dubious goals panel. For some reason both teams pile on to nice, sweet and innocent Ross at the end.
The boys enjoyed the very overpriced aMAZEing Adventure, even though it does not have a maze. They experience things you cannot get anywhere else, such as, bouncy castles, tricycles and water hoses. Jones gets injured so I attend fearing for all the paperwork I will have to complete. The blood was everywhere….well on the tip of his finger anyway. A quick wash reveals a 2mm gaping wound. Luckily for me the cut is so small it does not make the accident book. Owen said that spare dry clothes would not be necessary so nobody brought them. Owen does not look the slightest bit guilty when Jones and Ball are deducted points for getting on the mini-bus whilst wet. Harris kindly lets them sit on his coat and them docks them another point for getting it wet.
Now safely back home in Gloucester without any sight of the FB Fields pitch, Carlie sends yet another of her indecipherable messages. It is all abbreviations and hieroglyphics. I ask nearby Wobbly if he knows what it means. He doesn’t but it somehow appears as an answer to seven down in his crossword. Finally, the group manage to get one of my twenty questions. Unbelievably it is Taylor who cracks it by asking three intelligent questions in a row and the lighthouse scenario is revealed. Fisher still asks for me to tell him the answer and Bee still keeps guessing that monsters and aliens are involved.
Delaney and Stalley agree to look after the boys for the evening as Lee and I prepare to explore the wilder habitats of the island. We are going to visit the parents at the Merton hotel. Delaney immediately puts Coach Bebber’s number on speed dial and lets Fisher know it. Ball is reminded there are still a few weeks left at school yet and Stalley checks where the exits are.
The parents are welcoming, polite and quite reserved. Christy pours Beccy a drink and the mood changes. The entrepreneur begins demonstrating her new venture into the world of winning party conversation starters. Dan sits as far away as possible as the tone sinks lower and lower. It is revealed that Kelly thoroughly enjoyed her first night of freedom from mothering duties for a while and Scott now has to move all sinks four foot nearer the door. Apparently, this freedom means you get to sleep on the bathroom floor. On hearing about Scott’s intending DIY, Dan perks up as he likes doing the odd job. Beccy agrees and lets him know he has four and half blinds to put up when he gets home. When asked about the half, Beccy gives a lot of techinal jargon but it is a bit of a mouthful so I will not cover it in here. Dan is suddenly very happy. We thank everyone for the interesting conversation, the drinks and the entertainment and make our way back to the hotel - letting the parents let their hair down a little.
Friday
Jones and Ball have to wear the boppers for getting soaked. Mulwhingy retains Michael for looking after her so well and Mason re-wins Gypsy for not looking after her so well earlier in the week. Bee gets Skye for getting all the bags left behind at lunch.
Lee and I are disappointed with the final match-ups as we believed that the boys deserved a real challenge in honour of their performances. St Albans had not had the best of tournaments but were capable of beating us as they did on the first day of the season. It is also their last appearance at the festival for their coaches as the team is not running next year and this just might give them an incentive to go out on a high. However, this did not transpire and Gloucester played some great football and signed off their record-breaking tour in style with a 9-0 thrashing. Mulraney began proceedings with two long range free-kicks before Fisher scored a brilliant third - acrobatically turning in Jones’ cross following a strong run down the right. Bee netted the fourth in the second half, holding off a defender and driving the ball into the bottom far corner. Kennedy added a fifth, heading in a corner and then Villiers grabbed a brace, the second of which was a marvelous team goal involving Ball, Bee and Jones. Jones himself claimed a quickfire double to complete the rout.
Harris suffered plenty of abuse in the Coaches’ match. Cries of ‘Mean it’ could be heard throughout the game. Harris’ excuse for his performance, was that he had split his boots in the first minute. The boys did not buy it and they booked him in for a counselling session with himself.
For the second visit to La Corbiere we are lucky to beat the tide and have the A-team for company. Harris was once again in his element, bounding over rocks, camera in hand, snapping photos. His fingers clicking at a rate rivaling Nicola’s fingers on WhatsApp. Safely back at the mini-buses, Owen gets his own back on Harris for stealing his boys away by telling us we will meet at St Ouens beach in five minutes. We get there first and wait for Owen, known locally as the unofficial governor of Jersey as he has been there so many times and knows just about everything there is to know about the island, is not. Harris puts his hand in his pocket this time for the ice-creams as we wait for the A-team. When they do not turn up we go back and I run a GPSFA quiz. It is apparent that nobody has a clue as to who does what in the association. Remarkably all independently think Kate is called Lisa. Owen is the Chairman, Stalley is the secretary and Wobbly is the President. The groundsman’s name is not known but Villiers answer of the Werewolf wins the points. Fisher answers every question with a question and Mulwhingy looks forward to ending his 4.5 day whinge…tomorrow. Ball and Jones miss part of the quiz as they have to prepare their captains’ speech for the Gala meal straight afterwards.
Owen apologises for going to a different beach saying he got lost. He is instantly removed from our Christmas card list.
All listen intently to the speeches and applaud in the right places. Ball is a little nervous before his speech. Jones isn’t. Werner feels ill and eats nothing. Taylor jumps for joy as he is now on course to be the outright winner of the eating contest. I ask him to find out what the word magnanimous means. He does and still jumps for joy in front of the stricken Werner. Werner feels worse. Ball and Jones go up to receive the B-team honours and do their speeches. They are relieved when they realise they do not have to do the speeches but look daggers at Harris who is grinning like a Cheshire cat for tricking them. They do get the chance to do their speeches however in front of the assembled touring party after the dinner. They both do well.
Saturday
It is obvious that all the boys packed their own bags as claimed on WhatsApp just over a week ago. They are skilled at packing with everyone employing the shove it in and push technique. Mulwhingy tries a unique breakfast of pan-o-choc’s with hash browns and is the last person added to the savages list. Taylor magnanimously celebrates his win when he slowly eats the last baked bean by jumping in the air in front of Werner who is slowly returning back into Treacle McMouth.
Final warnings as to what you cannot pack in your hand luggage are given. Fisher asks as usual asks “Why?” Ball gives one final slouch in honour of the hotel, and many of Taylor’s left possessions are returned to him. We leave the Mayfair hotel on time.
In an act of comeuppance, the airport security guard asks Fisher “Why have you got this in here?” As he loses a full bottle of very expensive Joop Homme that he has packed in his hand luggage.
I find out I am to sit next to a B-team parent for the flight home, luckily it is Faye and I am treated to thirty minutes of normal conversation and a coffee. Boakes and Fisher are not nervous and even Treacle McMouth does not utter a swearword.
Ball has learnt to slouch for England, Bee has learnt that there is life on this planet, Boakes; that having a cheeky reply for everything will get you far, Fisher; that food is actually edible and that nothing is ever his fault. Jones has learnt that Team Zaki are incapable of stopping his Lord Fartquaard character from surfacing, Kennedy has learnt to answer back but still needs help with the speed of his responses and Mason has finally learnt to look after his glasses and that his sense of humour now matches a forty-year-old. Mulraney has learnt how to be a sulky teenager at the age of ten and how not to cope without any pampering. Taylor has learnt to think first but usually it’s where can I leave my possessions (Kevin is still enjoying life in Jersey somewhere) and not what the word magnanimous means. Villiers still has not learnt how to choose roommates carefully but has learnt to stay clear of Shamu. Werner now has an alter-ego called Treacle McMouth to draw on when he wants to be cheeky, loud and a bit sarky. Harris has learnt how to book himself in for one of his own counselling sessions and that he is slowly turning into Owen. I have learnt that medication really does numb the pain.
A very successful tour on and off the field to cap a great season. Many memories have been gained and most of them will be cherished forever. The GPSFA B-team have well and truly done Jersey.
Wix.
